Sunday, 20 March 2011


I have tried to be honest about how I feel and what is going on for me but it seems as though that makes things worse. So I don't know why I bothered trying in the first place.

I want to do this course. I want to do well. Yet the thoughts of suicide are a constant. Surly it's not normal to fantasise about taking your own life and picturing your own death. Playing it out in your head over and over and over. I live for my work. When I am at work/placement I have control. It doesn't affect it. I can't say it's not that the thoughts don't occur, they do. But I can control them more. I can ensure they don't have any impact on what I do. The day that they do is the day I hang up the boots. What makes me happy is helping other people. Putting other people first and making them happy. Or helping them to help themselves.

I am good at what I do. I get results and no one is negatively effected. I did a great job of something on Friday. Something I have been trying to do for this client since the day I met her. I have had so many obstacles and have had to jump through hoops just to do this thing but it paid off and I got her what she wanted and what she needed. I felt really good about it and so I should.

Why, when I want to do this so much, am I still fantasising about my own death. Why am I even planning it still? Why do I spend hours online looking up methods. I think I even have a plan now should the worst happen in all of this.

Why am I secreting blades in places, just in case.

I have this awful feeling I am going to end up in hospital and I have started preparing for it. I have hidden blades in places I know wouldn't get searched. Like under my battery in my phone.If it was recommended that I go rather than being sectioned I would agree to it and go as an informal patient. Of course I don't want to go but informal patients have so many more rights than those who are sectioned. And if I was informal which I would have to agree to as if sectioned then it's on your records and will come up in searches. And if you are informal they can't force your medication, and you can leave the ward when you want. So I have made the decision if they turned round to me and said you need to be in hospital etc etc etc I suppose I would have to agree so it didn't go down the sectioning route.

The two people in me are getting further and further apart. It's strong that I want to do this course and succeed. But it's strong that I am now even thinking that I don't care if looks like a suicide. And I have a plan should I be made to go in to hospital which I know would work.

This whole thing is sending me mad. It's making me have really delusional, paranoid thoughts. It's making my thoughts go at over a million miles an hour, I am restless, I don't know what to do.

How can I ask for benzo's from the GP on Tuesday when I want a fit note from him. Before all this stuff kicked off I was asked to make an appointment with him. I can speak to him about all of this on Tuesday. I may say I have had a problem with my sleep and can I have some sleepers. I wont mention my head and what is going through it.

I have emailed Sam today asking if we still have an appointment on Wednesday. I want to show her I am infact stable and can rationalise. I know I can. I understand why she feels why she is doing what she is doing. But if I then and go and cut off contact and run away from it all I think it shows I am not stable and not rational. So while my instincts are to run away and just ignore the problem I have rationalised that it is not the best thing to do and I need to keep seeing her.

Part of me feels that I have been assessed by Nurseman Mike, and others in his dept, I have a psychiatrist and was assessed by a full team when I was 136'd and not one of them said I should be taking a break and they thought it was beneficial to me to carry on with the course. Surly if they thought I was at risk they wouldn't be saying that?

Ok. I am probably not in the most stable of places at the moment but that is because I am under threat. I am not sure where things are going and I have been thrown in to turmoil. I think I am actually coping with it rather well. There would have been a time in the past where I would have just gone fuck you all then and then gone on a drinking, od'ing, cutting and attempt bender. I am trying to hard to fight those irrational thoughts that are telling me well, who cares what you do. You wont succeed so you may as well throw in the towel and do what you want to do. Go on. Take that blade. Take those pills. Go on go mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know for a while I have to keep my feelings to myself. Well to here and not discussed with anyone in a professional capacity. I know now if I am honest then the fall out from that is worse than keeping them to myself. I said the other day that the 136 was a wake up call for me. I suppose in a way it was. I wont be going jumping of bridges. Well I wouldn't anyway as I haven't got the courage for that. What I have learnt from that is not to drink to excess. If I start to feel those thoughts coming on if I have had a drink to distract myself some how. I know now I wont be able to talk about my feelings with Sam. Not if I am going to be continuing on the course.

I have managed before. I have managed for the last 26 years like that so I will just have to carry on doing it.

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