Tuesday, 22 March 2011

What's Going On?

A question. Because I am not really sure.

I don't feel well :-(

I'm still doing my control thing with food. Managed from Sunday lunch to tonight. Not good enough. I feel weak for giving in. I actually considered making myself sick to get rid of it. Tomorrow I am back on the control thing. No food until Friday. In my mad world at the moment it's the only thing I feel I can control.

I went to my GP today. He's lovely. Such a nice guy. Not in the cute kind of way as I would say he's mid 40's and doctor like. But just so nice in the fact that he genuinely cares. In fact all the GP's at my surgery are brilliant. He asked how things were going. I asked him for a fit note. Nope. He can't do it. BUT, he did say he will support me in my studies/placement and doesn't think it's for the best I should be pulled from it. He said that he knows I don't take my issues in to work with me as he can tell when I go to see him that I cover a lot up and that he doesn't feel I am a risk to others. He said I'll make a really good SW. He said his only worry is me. He said he knows it's more than depression and there is more to it. But I am not delusional, manic or psychotic and that he would worry if there was those but as it stands he thinks it's good for me to being doing the course. So while he said he wouldn't write a fit note as should I royally screw up he would be to blame, he would write a report if asked. He said while he couldn't lie if he was asked particular questions he would make sure he was supportive of me staying on placement. Although he said because I have a psychiatrist it would probably be him that uni would be asking should they want further clarification.

What concerns me is how uni will be. They have never asked me if I have had/have mental health problems so I haven't lied in not saying anything. But I am worried they wont be supportive. I am going to have to be really careful in how I word everything.

I am really worried about everything. It's sending me in to a weird way. If uni think there are any concerns they are not going to let me do my placement while they wait for reports are they? If they have concerns they are going to pull me.

I said to my GP about how I was worried about being pulled and what it would do to me. I said I can appreciate that I am not sounding like the most stable person in saying it but I was worried about how it would affect me. If you look at my medical records the admissions and self harm have been when I have been on breaks from uni. The holidays etc.OK, there was the s136. But that was because I was stupid. Because I went out when I wasn't in the right frame of mind and drank. Usually I reason with myself and don't allow myself to go near alcohol unless I am having a stable day. If there have been increased thoughts of suicide or self harm I don't touch it. I am not saying that these thoughts are going to go away. But I am able to have some control over them.

He then took my BP. Not for the hell of it but because that's the original reason I went in. I am on a contraceptive pill which helps regulate my PCOS. When ever I have it taken and I am not with the GP it's on the lower side of normal. When I was in hospital it was always around 110/70. At first today he wouldn't tell me what it was as he didn't want to worry me. In the end he told me the top reading was 166. I have never had it so high. It was probably to do with the conversation we had just had and the fact that I knew it needed to be low as they don't let you have the pill if it's high. So I was worrying about that. So combined it's probably quite expected it would be high. But that high. Even I am worried. I am worried they are going to take me off the pill and that combined with the Metformin is working. I have regular light periods for the first time in about 3 years. I just hope they don't take me off it. So I am worrying about that now. It's so frustrating the whole irregularity of my periods and it's so nice to be able to know when I am going to be on. Before I was bleeding up to 20days of the month. Please don't let there be another thing to add to my list of problems. Especially when I thought it was sorted out.

The more I write about it the more I think I am possibly delusional after all. I worry that there is a bigger issue than I can see and I keep saying it's fine, I'm ok. When maybe, I'm not. I know I am still self harming with the letting and there was those weekends where I swallowed stuff. Maybe I do need to be really honest and say everything. I fear if I am and tell them just how often I think about killing myself even though doing the course is making me happy they will turn round and say, actually you need to be in hospital. I have plans if I was admitted though. If the worst came to the worst and I was admitted I know then I have plans to kill myself. So is me saying that  maybe I do need to be in hospital just an excuse for me to do what I need/plan to do.

At the moment I have made a deal with myself. I am not going to attempt while I am doing the course as that is giving me hope. If they take that away I'm giving up. I have got fight in me at the moment. There is something I am fighting for. But take that away and then my hope has gone. I can't see the point in fighting to keep it together when I have nothing to keep it together for.

I know I am not stable at the moment. I am not a risk to anyone though as I am good at what I do.

I'm not really thinking straight at the moment. As I said I am not feeling 100%. Not mentally but I think I am getting some kind of virus. Dunno. It may just be because I have been taking the metformin on an empty stomach. My diet has been coffee for the past couple of days so it could be that also. Less coffee for me tomorrow!

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