I think I have resigned myself to the fact I wont be going back to placement.
I feel as though I should just give up. I can't face this. I know I need to keep doing it as of the benefits it has for me. But. At the same time, the self harm is just stupid now. I think about death all the time. I know normal people don't. Normal people don't think about death and killing themselves. I have a plan should things get worse than they are now. I get out plan. Maybe taking some time out would be a benefit. But at the same time I am not sure if it would. I think I will get worse. What have I got controlling me?
I wonder what a life would be like where I am not filled with these thoughts of suicide. It is constant. I always feel I want to die. It is on constant loop. There is not really time where I feel like I don't. Even when things are seemingly going well I feel like I still want to die. I have felt like this for a very long time. Even when I didn't acknowledge the depression and I was having the time of my life travelling, I wanted to die.
I know how to keep myself safe. I do. At the moment I would not attempt unless I knew for sure it would work or would look like an accident.
Part of the reason I have been so against taking a break is because I know I will sink in to a deeper depression. Because I enjoy the placement it gets me out of bed in the morning. When I am not there I don't get dressed. I stay in bed all day. I don't shower or do anything. I live in PJ's.
I feel like just giving up on everything now. Turning my back on the world and checking out. I don't want to fight it anymore. I don't drink that much anymore but I want to spend my days drinking to block out the thoughts. I don't want to have to answer to anyone and I don't want people to care about me.
I think I should just give up.