Thursday, 24 March 2011

Giving Up?

I think I have resigned myself to the fact I wont be going back to placement.

I feel as though I should just give up. I can't face this. I know I need to keep doing it as of the benefits it has for me. But. At the same time, the self harm is just stupid now. I think about death all the time. I know normal people don't. Normal people don't think about death and killing themselves. I have a plan should things get worse than they are now. I get out plan. Maybe taking some time out would be a benefit. But at the same time I am not sure if it would. I think I will get worse. What have I got controlling me?

I wonder what a life would be like where I am not filled with these thoughts of suicide. It is constant. I always feel I want to die. It is on constant loop. There is not really time where I feel like I don't. Even when things are seemingly going well I feel like I still want to die. I have felt like this for a very long time. Even when I didn't acknowledge the depression and I was having the time of my life travelling, I wanted to die.

I know how to keep myself safe. I do. At the moment I would not attempt unless I knew for sure it would work or would look like an accident.

Part of the reason I have been so against taking a break is because I know I will sink in to a deeper depression. Because I enjoy the placement it gets me out of bed in the morning. When I am not there I don't get dressed. I stay in bed all day. I don't shower or do anything. I live in PJ's.

I feel like just giving up on everything now. Turning my back on the world and checking out. I don't want to fight it anymore. I don't drink that much anymore but I want to spend my days drinking to block out the thoughts. I don't want to have to answer to anyone and I don't want people to care about me.

I think I should just give up.

1 comment:

katieinwonderlandx said...

Give up!? After all you have said about how much your placement/ helping people & making use of you experiences means to you?. No you shouldnt give up. And you wont, becaue you have too much still to give. You just have to get well enough that you are able to do so safely and to the best of your ability. Give up. Pfffft. No Way :) What would be the point in all of this if you just lay down and gave up now? Your more than that. xx