Not blogged properly in a few days. I suppose because I have not had an awful lot to blog about. I was hoping I would be able to blog about my placement but because what I do is quite specialised I wouldn't be able to say much without giving away who I am and possibly putting my clients at risk.
I've not been that good over the past couple of weeks. I have found new ways in which I am self harming and also attempting suicide.
Last weekend I started swallowing stuff. I say that like it's been an ongoing thing but it hasn't. I would say it's something new. But it's not. A few years ago I did it a few times. Weird things. Like pen tops, paperclips, anything metal. I went to hospital about it once as I did regret straightening out the paperclip and swallowing it. I had x-rays done and that was it. Was told to go back if had any pain. I didn't so I didn't go back. I also had this weird thing of not wanting to actually admit to what I had done so spoke in code or said I couldn't remember when asked about it. I do it a lot now. Sometimes I can't remember but when I am ashamed or embarrassed about what I have done, say for example inserted something in my leg when I have cut it, or taken an od the day before, I don't say anything about it. I will lead them to it somehow but wont actually tell them. I don't know why this is. Sometimes it is a case of I don't remember. And then I have to say something as if I can't lead them to it and I don't remember, well, it could get me in to trouble. So I have to say, I can't remember but I have done such and such in the past. It makes me feel so stupid.
Anyway. Last weekend. Friday night I swallowed some metal. You know on a can (coke can) when you pull the ring pull the bit that goes inside. Well there is like an edging on that and I pulled it off and straightened it out and swallowed it. On Saturday I just decided to swallow a hypodermic needle.
When I have worked on Psychiatric wards in the past the methods that people succeeded in that I knew of were of them swallowing something. OK it was a pen they swallowed. There is no way I could do that. I have a terrible gag reflex (which coincidentally makes me crap at deep throating....sorry had to throw that in there and lower the tone. Lol).
I know of one patient who died from doing this and another who very nearly died and would have done had she not told anyone. I actually raised massive concerns over this particular member of staff which was supposed to be supervising as the patient was not allowed pen access and she was sat there reading a news paper while in a room with high risk patients who were all supervised with pens. She didn't notice this patient who I will name Jane leave the room with the pen. I know it sounds really over the top but these patients knew every trick in the book. I'll write more about Jane and the member of staff who I will name Eileen later.
So having this knowledge and speaking in great details to the surgeons that operated on Jane I hoped that in swallowing it, it would perforate somewhere and, either, cause internal bleeding or, cause massive infections. Well it's been a week and nothing. The thing is I am not sure if it has passed through. If I thought it had I would swallow another one. But what worries me is if it didn't do what I wanted it to do and it caused unbearable pain and they found it, with it just being one I could plead ignorance. With more than one I will be asked questions and possibly sectioned. From what Nurseman Mike was saying last time he said it wont be long before I am as it's all getting out of control.
My other method of trying to top myself is by trying to cause air bubbles in my blood. How have I been doing this? When I blood let, when I have found a vein I have been blowing as hard as possible in to the end of the needle. On Saturday I thought I had finally mastered it as I went all dizzy and it hurt when I breathed. But no, I woke up again on Sunday morning. The only tell tale sign was that my hand and arm had swelled up to unusual proportions and crackled when you pressed on them. I know I have to be careful with this blood letting thing as I look like a junkie. I went to visit one guy today who was an IV drug user (crack and heroin in case you are interested) and I looked at his hands and wrists and they looked like mine. Scary. So maybe only forearms and elbows from now on.
I am so bloody angry at the moment. I can't stand being around my Dad and he just keeps irritating me and winding me up. He started on Saturday and he thinks it's funny to do it to me. So, back to my room it is where I can keep out the way of anyone. I don't have to be sociable or put on airs and graces when I am in my room. I just don't want to be around him at the moment as every thing he does he really annoying me.
Like today he got back from work and had a go at me as I hadn't put the oven on to heat up his dinner. I said that I wasn't having any and I shouldn't have to always consider his every whim and need and run around after him. Actually I didn't say that. I started off shouting down stairs hello in a nice polite way as it's just easier rather than not saying anything. It's easier to pretend than have the "what's your pissing problem, you are always in a bloody mood, cheer up and don't get so stressed, you are a miserable cow" rant. Which doesn't go down well and usually makes me want to cry or shout at him to piss off and then I will usually slam a door and get really angry which usually results in me crying as I only really cry when I am angry. Anyway, I said hi all nice and polite and the response was "UH! Didn't anyone think to put the bloody oven on". To which I responded I am not eating that as I don't like bollognase and it only takes a few minutes to heat up. I then calmly closed my bedroom door and muttered curses under my breath and ignored him. Yay for me! Not rising to it!
It sounds awful and I feel so bad for saying it out loud, ok not out loud but articulating it that even the sight of him drives me mad at the moment. Why does everyone have to run around after him. It really pisses me off. Like if my mum is in late meetings and I have a late one at work I can come home and he will be sat there in one room the rest of the house will be cold and dark. He will have been in since about 3 ish and I will get back at 7 and he will ask me what is for dinner. The dog will have not been out and he expects me to run around after him. So I take the dog out and usually if it is the case where my mum has not left anything he will never think to do something him self. Why should my mum have to run around after him all the time. And there is no way he will have say spaghetti and egg on toast as a one off for dinner. NO, it needs to be a proper cooked dinner with veg etc. If it was just my mum and me we would have things like stir frys, baked potato, easy quick meals. Occasionally we'd have a proper dinner but we are both happy with easy simple things and because he isn't she has to do the running around after him.
Ok rant about that over.
On SF I spoke to a couple of people about what I have been doing and one person on there has said I need to talk to Sam about it. I know she would probably have to break confidentiality if I did. They can if there is a serious risk of harm to you or another and that would constitute it really. I have said I hope it does harm me so that side of me doesn't want to tell anyone. Then the other side of me that worries about placement doesn't want to have to miss placement because of something that may happen.Do you get what I mean. I don't want to have to hold on placement because I have to go in to hospital for the metal in me. Have to explain what it's all about. As far as my parents are aware I have had 3 hospital admissions in the last 9 months. As far as my brother is aware it's 4. Only one of these has been genuine. Ok that was due to reckless behaviour of getting a motorbike in Asia and falling off and not looking after the wound properly. But was a pretty genuine reason to be in. The others have been due to self harm. They know one of them was and they think the other is related to a UTI and the extra one my brother knows about is due to a heart arrhythmia. But it was because I self harmed, took an od and then had my clothes cut off me. I had to ring my brother tell him I went in as my heart was going far too fast. I took my clothes off for an ECG and then I put them under the trolley. I said I was then moved around and lost track of my clothes.
I am so sick of the lies and it's getting hard to keep up with them.
I want to die. I don't want to live. But, I don't know how long I will be around for. So I may as well try and get somewhere in my life with the course in the mean time. I want to do well on it. Yes, running away seems to appealing. I know that I haven't got the balls to do it though. I haven't got balls for anything as I am not a bloke, but you get what I mean right?
If I was going to attempt in such an obvious suicide way I would need to make sure it worked. Couldn't have the not working and then have people know I tried. With the air on the blood thing I doubt it would be classed as suicide but perhaps a self harm episode that went too far and accidental as the air thing wasn't intented. Yet I write about things like this on here and I know if I was to go in slightly suspicious circumstances then the first thing that would be looked at would be my laptop. They would then probably also find tracks to SF. So I suppose would I need to delete everything. But then, I would be dead. I would be gone. I wouldn't care. I know I am getting worse as I am not actually too concerned about people knowing it was suicide. I am bothered about it failing and people knowing it was a suicide attempt but if it worked. Then I suppose that's a whole different matter. I just need to be sure what ever I did worked. And for me is the least painful and doesn't take as much courage as say jumping in front of a train or off a bridge.
I am thinking about coming off the Mirtazapine. I can't stop eating. I want to blame it on that as I know what it has done to me in the past. But I am putting on weight. I am not a thin girl anyway. I have been unhappy with my weight since I was about 12. I am currently a size 18-20 (US I think 14-16) I am 5'8 and I go in and out in the right places and it's evenly proportioned. But I want to be a size 12 (uk). Actually I would be happy with a 14. When I was travelling and when I came back I lost about 1.5 stone in a few weeks as of being ill. But now I can't stop eating. I am craving junk and sweet stuff all the bloody time. It's making me really miserable. I know I need to take the metformin better as it does help a little bit with the cravings. But on top of all my other issues I have this to contend with also. I often think if I were thin would I still have the same problems. Or would they still be there. Or is it having done through over half my life being overweight has that contributed to how I am think about things now.
I have never actually talked about my weight in therapy as it is something I am really embarrassed about. I know when I am feeling bad I crave more crap and I comfort eat. And then I feel worse for that so I eat even more. I read blogs such as Bippidee's who has an ED and wish I was her size. I find it really hard to understand ED's. Mainly as I always compare myself to them and think that "you think you are fat....err HELLLLLOOOOOO, standing in front of you". I think being too thin is much more socially accepted as being overweight. Say if I weighed 8 stone. At my height that would make me only just on the underweight side. If I got to what I wanted to weigh then I would still be outside the range of normal on the BMI. I read these blogs of people with ED's and it makes me feel worse. I wish I could purge after eating. I wish I could do all that, without the having to weigh myself 10 times a day. There are days where I can not eat at all. I have done it before where I haven't eaten as a control thing when I have been a bit manic you could say...like when Gom broke up with me, it wasn't the relationship grief it was me wanting to have some control in my life. I have also done it before back when I was OD'ing every week. I felt I couldn't control the SH and the suicidal thoughts but I could control that. It was only nearly blacking out while driving and nearly causing an accident that I thought that I could injure or kill someone other than myself and that I couldn't take that risk. So why can't I have that now. Do I need to be manic to have that control? It is generally when I more hyper and unorganised. When I can't concentrate on anything and it lasts a few days. Why can't I have the same self control as a lot of other people do when it comes to food. Why do I crave the crap? I am going to try and ensure I keep on top of taking the metformin this week see if that reduces it. I have appointment with Dr T in 2 weeks. If it continues I'll tell him I want him to prescribe me something else. Something that will knock me out at night but not have same effect on my appetite. If he doesn't I'll just stop taking them anyway. So I will give it 2 weeks and see how things go.
Speaking of Dr T. I had a phone call today from my GP surgery saying they had had a letter from him and they wanted me to go in for blood tests as Dr T was concerned I was anaemic. My first thought was I will go a bit OTT on the iron tablets so I have high iron levels in my blood...that will confuse them? Why did I think that? But no, I am going to continue the way I am with letting as and when I need to.
I wonder if that means the GP surgery have only received a letter from him today if it also means that crisis team have only just had one. He was going to get them to contact me. I don't want to call them. Also the more I read peoples blogs about crisis teams it def puts me off calling them. No way can I be honest and say I have suicidal thoughts almost constantly if they are going to send the police round to make sure I am ok and drag me to hospital or if they will make me go down to the ED. I can't have them coming here as I live with my parents and they don't know anything. So calling them isn't really an option. I hope that with me being on their books still that it is stopping someone who really will make use of them and would be better for them to be on rather than me.
That's all I can be bothered to write about today. Next time I will write about my job in a medium secure forensic female PD ward. If you read this and you think you have problems...wait til you hear some of my stories. Hopefully I can keep it a bit more light hearted than this on.
I appreciate any comments made so if you have read this far please feel free to comment and tell me how mad I am.