I have tried to be honest about how I feel and what is going on for me but it seems as though that makes things worse. So I don't know why I bothered trying in the first place.
I want to do this course. I want to do well. Yet the thoughts of suicide are a constant. Surly it's not normal to fantasise about taking your own life and picturing your own death. Playing it out in your head over and over and over. I live for my work. When I am at work/placement I have control. It doesn't affect it. I can't say it's not that the thoughts don't occur, they do. But I can control them more. I can ensure they don't have any impact on what I do. The day that they do is the day I hang up the boots. What makes me happy is helping other people. Putting other people first and making them happy. Or helping them to help themselves.
I am good at what I do. I get results and no one is negatively effected. I did a great job of something on Friday. Something I have been trying to do for this client since the day I met her. I have had so many obstacles and have had to jump through hoops just to do this thing but it paid off and I got her what she wanted and what she needed. I felt really good about it and so I should.
Why, when I want to do this so much, am I still fantasising about my own death. Why am I even planning it still? Why do I spend hours online looking up methods. I think I even have a plan now should the worst happen in all of this.
Why am I secreting blades in places, just in case.
I have this awful feeling I am going to end up in hospital and I have started preparing for it. I have hidden blades in places I know wouldn't get searched. Like under my battery in my phone.If it was recommended that I go rather than being sectioned I would agree to it and go as an informal patient. Of course I don't want to go but informal patients have so many more rights than those who are sectioned. And if I was informal which I would have to agree to as if sectioned then it's on your records and will come up in searches. And if you are informal they can't force your medication, and you can leave the ward when you want. So I have made the decision if they turned round to me and said you need to be in hospital etc etc etc I suppose I would have to agree so it didn't go down the sectioning route.
The two people in me are getting further and further apart. It's strong that I want to do this course and succeed. But it's strong that I am now even thinking that I don't care if looks like a suicide. And I have a plan should I be made to go in to hospital which I know would work.
This whole thing is sending me mad. It's making me have really delusional, paranoid thoughts. It's making my thoughts go at over a million miles an hour, I am restless, I don't know what to do.
How can I ask for benzo's from the GP on Tuesday when I want a fit note from him. Before all this stuff kicked off I was asked to make an appointment with him. I can speak to him about all of this on Tuesday. I may say I have had a problem with my sleep and can I have some sleepers. I wont mention my head and what is going through it.
I have emailed Sam today asking if we still have an appointment on Wednesday. I want to show her I am infact stable and can rationalise. I know I can. I understand why she feels why she is doing what she is doing. But if I then and go and cut off contact and run away from it all I think it shows I am not stable and not rational. So while my instincts are to run away and just ignore the problem I have rationalised that it is not the best thing to do and I need to keep seeing her.
Part of me feels that I have been assessed by Nurseman Mike, and others in his dept, I have a psychiatrist and was assessed by a full team when I was 136'd and not one of them said I should be taking a break and they thought it was beneficial to me to carry on with the course. Surly if they thought I was at risk they wouldn't be saying that?
Ok. I am probably not in the most stable of places at the moment but that is because I am under threat. I am not sure where things are going and I have been thrown in to turmoil. I think I am actually coping with it rather well. There would have been a time in the past where I would have just gone fuck you all then and then gone on a drinking, od'ing, cutting and attempt bender. I am trying to hard to fight those irrational thoughts that are telling me well, who cares what you do. You wont succeed so you may as well throw in the towel and do what you want to do. Go on. Take that blade. Take those pills. Go on go mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know for a while I have to keep my feelings to myself. Well to here and not discussed with anyone in a professional capacity. I know now if I am honest then the fall out from that is worse than keeping them to myself. I said the other day that the 136 was a wake up call for me. I suppose in a way it was. I wont be going jumping of bridges. Well I wouldn't anyway as I haven't got the courage for that. What I have learnt from that is not to drink to excess. If I start to feel those thoughts coming on if I have had a drink to distract myself some how. I know now I wont be able to talk about my feelings with Sam. Not if I am going to be continuing on the course.
I have managed before. I have managed for the last 26 years like that so I will just have to carry on doing it.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Not Going To Go Without A Fight.
So what have I decided. The title says it all.
I know I am no risk. I know as soon as I felt how I was feeling affected my work I would take a step back. It's not now and I can't see it being.
When I go to work I am a different person. I leave all my issues at the door and don't pick them up until I go home. I have even said weekends are the hardest as I have too much free time.
I can see Sam's point. And put in her position it would concern me also. But what she doesn't know is that I don't let it affect work. I can let them know how important doing the course is etc but I don't see how that would change their mind as I am working with potentially vulnerable people. I don't want to keep saying how important it is for me to be doing it as of my own mental health as that will make them think I am doing it and there are costs involved. What I need to make them see is that I don't take any of my issues in with me. That the way I am won't affect the people that I work with. I know they mentioned that bit about me in there but I think that was just to soften the blow a little. And probably they were hoping that I wouldn't see the negatives in it all by thinking all they are concerned about is the people I work with.
I am not concerned about what the placement and course is doing to me. It makes me happy. What I am concerned about is, if I have to stop! As well as me knowing that I am fine doing it, I know if I am not doing it I wont be fine. How many times have I said that it is the one positive thing in my life which is going in the way I want it to? How many times have I said if people were to know then there would be a greater loss of control. I can't tell them this though can I? I can't tell them this as it looks as though I am threatening them with "if you do this, then I will no longer be held responsible for my own actions". I need to show them that I am stable enough, without my only argument being that I don't want people knowing and I know that the course is keeping me alive! Me telling them this makes me not look ok, and that they are probably right. I need to keep away from this argument.
So, what am I going to do?
Fight!
First off I am telling Sam to hold off intervening as I want to be the one who speaks to uni. Before I speak to uni though I want to get the support of my GP and Psychiatrist on board. As much as I like Sam, I feel the support of 2 doctors against a nurse would probably be more beneficial to me. I am then going to go to uni and speak to the course leader. I am going to say that I have had issues with depression and self harm. That I currently see a counsellor and they are raising concerns about my work, the effect it has on me and possibly on clients. I will mention that I have disclosed to her that thing I don't talk about and never have done and it has been a hard few months. But. I am dealing with it. I am doing the right thing in getting help.
I will then say that although the counsellors have raised concerns and don't think I should be working, I am more than capable and have the back up of my GP (at which point I will have a fit note) and the psychiatrist. I will explain how they want me to take a couple of months break but I don't agree and that I don't want it forced on me by the NHS as would affect future career etc.
I will say one of my worries is not being able to finish the placement which I love doing, and falling behind my friends etc. Or the possibility of not being able to finish the year etc. I will tell her I have had cycles in the past but now the route cause is coming out and it has been harder but I have been proactive in all of this. I will tell her how if at any point I doubt my own ability I wont keep it covered up. I will let it be known. I will also tell her how few people know about the difficulties I have had and that I keep it very private.
How does all that sound. Does it sound like someone who is rational, or does it sound more like an irrational person who is trying her best to keep it all covered up?
I am so scared though. This whole situation is provoking more thoughts within me. I feel as though I have lost control of it. I am petrified. I have not eaten since yesterday lunch time. Partly because I am not hungry, but partly that control thing. I know I am not exactly showing stable behaviour here by my reaction to it all. I worry the feelings I am having are maybe a sign that I shouldn't be there. It is making me question myself and question how bad I really am. It is really making me question my own capabilities. Gom did this to me when we broke up. It sends me in to kind of a bit of a manic phase. I can't relax, I stop eating, my thoughts are going at a million miles an hour.
If I get my way with this, how am I going to be able to trust Sam again. I have too much to lose by telling the truth. Do I find a different counsellor and try and build a relationship with them. I don't fault Sam for talking to her directors about this. Because, the professional in me sees what she has done. But I don't see how I can continue to work with her if I get my way with this one. I feel shot down. I have never been as honest with anyone as I have with her. I have never been open with my feelings like this. Part of me thinks, she had to do it. If I wasn't capable and anything happened with one of my clients and she hadn't made her concerns know she would be in the shit big time. But then the other part of me feels now I know why I don't share emotions and feelings. I do rationalise with myself but even when you do that it doesn't stop you feeling how you feel does it? It's like if someone hurts your feelings accidentally and you know it was an accident, it still hurts doesn't it? Then I feel bad for feeling these feelings as because I know there is no vindictiveness or malice behind it.
I feel as though that in seeking help and trying to deal with the things I have made things worse.
It's just reinforced my issues of trust. How can I be honest with people when it has such negative consequences. There was no way I could then tell her about the other stuff. I know I am bad at the moment. But, the course is what is keeping me going. It makes me happy. It gives me control and I keep it separate from me. It's the other person inside me. I can understand what they are saying...if I was a risk to other people. I'm not. I am doing really well on it. I am a positive thing in the peoples lives that I am working with. I don't let my own issues come in to it at all.
Sam was/is supposed to call me this evening. I emailed her last night about my plan. I didn't say why, but I said I would tell uni and let them have the decision about me taking time off. I want the decision to be mine. I feel that I can cope with it. I know I am doing well in what I am doing now. I need to have some security with it now though. I don't want them finding out what is going on at placement. There are only 5 in the team. I know me having issues wouldn't be a problem, after all they have ex service users providing support to vulnerable people. I know it sounds big headed but I feel I am in a much better position to make judgement about my own practice than one of the volunteers I know who uses drugs frequently, went a bit mad and off on one. Not all that long ago!
No one is without their issues, and they can leave them at the door. So do I. It may be draining but I can do it. I don't let it interfere with my work as I know I have so much riding on it.
I know I am no risk. I know as soon as I felt how I was feeling affected my work I would take a step back. It's not now and I can't see it being.
When I go to work I am a different person. I leave all my issues at the door and don't pick them up until I go home. I have even said weekends are the hardest as I have too much free time.
I can see Sam's point. And put in her position it would concern me also. But what she doesn't know is that I don't let it affect work. I can let them know how important doing the course is etc but I don't see how that would change their mind as I am working with potentially vulnerable people. I don't want to keep saying how important it is for me to be doing it as of my own mental health as that will make them think I am doing it and there are costs involved. What I need to make them see is that I don't take any of my issues in with me. That the way I am won't affect the people that I work with. I know they mentioned that bit about me in there but I think that was just to soften the blow a little. And probably they were hoping that I wouldn't see the negatives in it all by thinking all they are concerned about is the people I work with.
I am not concerned about what the placement and course is doing to me. It makes me happy. What I am concerned about is, if I have to stop! As well as me knowing that I am fine doing it, I know if I am not doing it I wont be fine. How many times have I said that it is the one positive thing in my life which is going in the way I want it to? How many times have I said if people were to know then there would be a greater loss of control. I can't tell them this though can I? I can't tell them this as it looks as though I am threatening them with "if you do this, then I will no longer be held responsible for my own actions". I need to show them that I am stable enough, without my only argument being that I don't want people knowing and I know that the course is keeping me alive! Me telling them this makes me not look ok, and that they are probably right. I need to keep away from this argument.
So, what am I going to do?
Fight!
First off I am telling Sam to hold off intervening as I want to be the one who speaks to uni. Before I speak to uni though I want to get the support of my GP and Psychiatrist on board. As much as I like Sam, I feel the support of 2 doctors against a nurse would probably be more beneficial to me. I am then going to go to uni and speak to the course leader. I am going to say that I have had issues with depression and self harm. That I currently see a counsellor and they are raising concerns about my work, the effect it has on me and possibly on clients. I will mention that I have disclosed to her that thing I don't talk about and never have done and it has been a hard few months. But. I am dealing with it. I am doing the right thing in getting help.
I will then say that although the counsellors have raised concerns and don't think I should be working, I am more than capable and have the back up of my GP (at which point I will have a fit note) and the psychiatrist. I will explain how they want me to take a couple of months break but I don't agree and that I don't want it forced on me by the NHS as would affect future career etc.
I will say one of my worries is not being able to finish the placement which I love doing, and falling behind my friends etc. Or the possibility of not being able to finish the year etc. I will tell her I have had cycles in the past but now the route cause is coming out and it has been harder but I have been proactive in all of this. I will tell her how if at any point I doubt my own ability I wont keep it covered up. I will let it be known. I will also tell her how few people know about the difficulties I have had and that I keep it very private.
How does all that sound. Does it sound like someone who is rational, or does it sound more like an irrational person who is trying her best to keep it all covered up?
I am so scared though. This whole situation is provoking more thoughts within me. I feel as though I have lost control of it. I am petrified. I have not eaten since yesterday lunch time. Partly because I am not hungry, but partly that control thing. I know I am not exactly showing stable behaviour here by my reaction to it all. I worry the feelings I am having are maybe a sign that I shouldn't be there. It is making me question myself and question how bad I really am. It is really making me question my own capabilities. Gom did this to me when we broke up. It sends me in to kind of a bit of a manic phase. I can't relax, I stop eating, my thoughts are going at a million miles an hour.
If I get my way with this, how am I going to be able to trust Sam again. I have too much to lose by telling the truth. Do I find a different counsellor and try and build a relationship with them. I don't fault Sam for talking to her directors about this. Because, the professional in me sees what she has done. But I don't see how I can continue to work with her if I get my way with this one. I feel shot down. I have never been as honest with anyone as I have with her. I have never been open with my feelings like this. Part of me thinks, she had to do it. If I wasn't capable and anything happened with one of my clients and she hadn't made her concerns know she would be in the shit big time. But then the other part of me feels now I know why I don't share emotions and feelings. I do rationalise with myself but even when you do that it doesn't stop you feeling how you feel does it? It's like if someone hurts your feelings accidentally and you know it was an accident, it still hurts doesn't it? Then I feel bad for feeling these feelings as because I know there is no vindictiveness or malice behind it.
I feel as though that in seeking help and trying to deal with the things I have made things worse.
It's just reinforced my issues of trust. How can I be honest with people when it has such negative consequences. There was no way I could then tell her about the other stuff. I know I am bad at the moment. But, the course is what is keeping me going. It makes me happy. It gives me control and I keep it separate from me. It's the other person inside me. I can understand what they are saying...if I was a risk to other people. I'm not. I am doing really well on it. I am a positive thing in the peoples lives that I am working with. I don't let my own issues come in to it at all.
Sam was/is supposed to call me this evening. I emailed her last night about my plan. I didn't say why, but I said I would tell uni and let them have the decision about me taking time off. I want the decision to be mine. I feel that I can cope with it. I know I am doing well in what I am doing now. I need to have some security with it now though. I don't want them finding out what is going on at placement. There are only 5 in the team. I know me having issues wouldn't be a problem, after all they have ex service users providing support to vulnerable people. I know it sounds big headed but I feel I am in a much better position to make judgement about my own practice than one of the volunteers I know who uses drugs frequently, went a bit mad and off on one. Not all that long ago!
No one is without their issues, and they can leave them at the door. So do I. It may be draining but I can do it. I don't let it interfere with my work as I know I have so much riding on it.
Monday, 10 January 2011
Musings!
The nurse I see at the organisation I go to for self harm said I should try writing in here more often as like a diary. It seems to be going ok. Although I am worried that I am making problems out of things that I didn't see as problems before. We talk about quite a lot of things and I will mention something that I don't seem to be that bothered by or don't think it's affecting me much and the way she reacts to it makes me think that it's not normal and it is a problem and then I analyse it and think it is a problem. Maybe they were to start off with and my way of dealing with things is not to see them as problems. Without actually saying what it is it's hard to explain. One example is how my mum tells me stuff about her relationship with my Dad that I just don't need to know. I don't want her confiding in me about things. Ok, it does bother me but I have never really put that much thought in to it. I mentioned something in the session and it seemed as though it was made in to a bigger thing.
I think it's me looking at things the wrong way. My way of dealing with things is not good and I overlook the importance of things so that I don't get weighed down with every thing. But obviously subconsciously I am, otherwise why would I be self harming? I do really like the person I see. I can see her helping quite a bit. She is not patronising at all and seems to understand where I am coming from. She doesn't just sit there in silence and not say anything. I am finding it hard and I feel so drained after a session. I get quite anxious about them also. It is making me realise some of the reasons why I self harm and why I feel like I do. A lot of it I had not really addressed before and didn't understand why I do what I do. The only thing I am concerned about is making bigger issues of what is already there. I seem to have quite a lot of issues with my family and I am quite concerned that if I understand these then I may resent them. But then at the same time I know I can't continue with the self harming etc. It's making me aware of all these issues and I am not sure if it is the right thing to be doing. I think I will have to bring it up with her next time I see her.
One of the issues that I haven't discussed with her yet (I'm going to have to give her a name as it feels rude to refer to people as she and her...so from now on it's Sam) is how a lot of the time my mum puts me down. Especially when comparing me to my eldest brother. It's little comments and they really hurt. We were talking about private schools the other day and she was saying how my eldest brother would have passed the exams to go to the school as he was intelligent etc and then she went on to say how I would have never had passed as I am not as intelligent. There is often little remarks and they just leave me feeling inferior and stupid. I know I am not as when looking at exam marks etc I did as well at GCSE, better in my A Levels, the same in my degree. I am really close to my eldest brother and I would class him as one of my best friends and so I try not to get upset about it but it's quite disenheartening when you are often told you can't do something or I wouldn't have been able to do something as I wasn't intelligent enough. I feel really bad for even writing it down as I have only ever thought it before yet writing it and actually thinking about it in some detail is making me quite upset. I feel as though I have stabbed my brother in the back somehow. Am I being self obsessed?
Speaking of being self obsessed, my mum and I had an argument last night. I had an assignment due in today and I asked my mum for help last night. She was pissed again. She was not supposed to be drinking until Easter. So her new years resolution lasted less than a week. I am quite worried about what the parents drink. About 3-4 times a week they drink at least 3 bottles of wine a night between them. It's not just what it does to their health but I can't stand being around them when they are pissed. My Dad just becomes annoying and tries to be funny. My Mum, well, she becomes aggressive, hostile and nasty. So last night I was pissed off at her as it was the 3rd night running where they had had a lot to drink. I was pissed off as the night before they were supposed to be looking after my nephew and ok I was in but what if I wasn't. When I have kids I am not letting them stay here if they are going to be drinking. I know they wait for him to go to bed, but still. It's not fair on him. What if he wakes up in the night and then they don't hear him as they are too drunk. I know his mum and dad drink while he is in the house but it's their choice to do that, they are his parents. And to be fair my sister-in-law doesn't drink that much anymore as she knows she has to get up in the morning with him. Anyway, I asked my mum for help with part of the assignment and it had only been an hour since I had been upstairs doing work and when I came down they had had 2 bottles of wine already. I made a comment about the amount they drink. She then laid in to me saying I was being self obsessed and that it wasn't a problem and then made the comment "well at least when we drink we don't do stupid stuff like you have done". Referring to the night they know about where I self harmed. How low can you get? I was really upset so came up to my room.
She comes storming up after me saying how I was being self obsessed and stupid for being upset. No apology and still no apology the next day. She just walked in to my room while I was trying to work and so I told her to piss off as I wasn't going to speak to her while she was pissed. So she leaves and does the same thing again saying I am out of order and having a go at me again. I ended up leaving the house and going to uni to finish my assignment. While i was there I got missed calls from her and a really horrible voicemail. I am still pissed off about it. I know in some respects she is right about it being self obsessed as part of the reason why I hate them drinking is because of what it does to their mood and attitudes. I wasn't pissed off because she was of no use helping me but because she was pissed again! So yes, selfish in some respects, but I am worried about how much they drink. It's stupid. I know I have problems with drink. But at least I can admit to it. And, since November when it all happened I have not drunk anywhere near as much. I have managed to calm down on it and stop drinking when I feel as though I have had enough. Am I still self harming, yes! So it proves that it is not the drink causing it. I have cut down a lot on what I drink and quite often go a week without drinking.
I am actually getting angry as I write this now.
Different subject...
So I had a trip to A+E today. I went for x-ray on my arm as of the needle in it. I didn't say I knew what it was as I don't want people at the hospital knowing it was self harm that went wrong/too far. Anyway, it's still hurting quite a bit so I was sent from my G.P for an X-ray. You can see it clearly on there. The X-ray department sent me down to A+E. I thought they would just send it back to my GP and he would decide where to go. I really didn't want to go to A+E as I know a lot of the staff now. In fact the nurse I saw first was one who I have seen a few times (as he said). He even said to me "I've seen you a few times haven't I"? I can only remember seeing him once but who knows. I am usually crap with faces but I remembered him as he is really cute! Anyway, the A+E staff said it needed to come out and they were going to do it there but it is too deep so am being referred back to my GP who will refer me to surgeons. I don't think he will though. Think he just wants to leave it. So I don't know what will happen there.
Had some marks back on work from uni also. I had a mark back on my first assignment. TBH I was quite disappointed. I spent hours and hours on the bloody thing. Have never put so much effort in to a piece of academic work. Turns out I only just passed it. So I was quite upset with that. I was given decent feedback so I knew where I had gone wrong and hopefully I can improve on my written work. I have also had a mark back for an exam I did. I was happy with that mark. I did quite well. The only thing I was let down about was my friends have done quite a bit better than me. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I want to be the best at things and so I get quite let down in myself when other people have done quite a bit better. But I have to keep remembering I have passed. Of course I want my friends to do well, it's just that I want to do better. I am very competitive see.
I have not taken my meds in a while. I am worried that I will sink again but I can't get on with these new ones. I know I shouldn't have been but I was taking the Mirtazapine at the same time as them and so I was sleeping well at night. However, I have now run out of them and only have the Duloxetine. If I take them in the morning the nausea is unbearable. So I have been taking them at night but then I can't sleep. I have been on them about 6 weeks now and the side effects should have subsided but they haven't. So I have stopped taking them. I will mention it to the GP when I go back in a few days. I don't want to go on those other ones the Psychiatrist said as I don't think they will work. Clinical studies have shown they are no better than a placebo. I know these ones have improved my mood but I can't sleep on them. It's driving me mad. I am so tired all the time. Grrrr!
I have an appointment tomorrow with I think a psychologist. It's one that I was referred to by that waste of time Psychiatrist. I don't know if I have it in me to open up to someone else. I am finding it really hard with Sam but I am getting there and I like her. Sam has said it can be counter productive to have two things on the go at once. I know I want to continue to see her as I know over time I will be able to trust her. So I have sort of written this off before they have even offered me anything. I have the appointment tomorrow morning, I will be honest with her and tell her how I am feeling and see what she suggests. If she suggests a group then I will just laugh at her. I don't do groups!
I start back at uni tomorrow also. I am quite looking forward to it. I need to take my mind off things and need a focus elsewhere. The past few days all I can think of is Gom moving spaz features in. It's my house. I chose it with Gom when he brought it, it's my cat that lives there. He was brought for me. I want the cat back. The parents don't like cats though and we have a dog so there is no way we can have him here. And I want to avoid contact with Gom as much as I can. I have not seen him in over 9 months now. Yet it's still tearing me a part.
Ok, realised this blog had kinda ripped one of my new years resolutions of being more positive. But everyone needs a moan every now and again, and I have not blogged in nearly 2 weeks.
I'll try and be more positive in the next one!
xxx
I think it's me looking at things the wrong way. My way of dealing with things is not good and I overlook the importance of things so that I don't get weighed down with every thing. But obviously subconsciously I am, otherwise why would I be self harming? I do really like the person I see. I can see her helping quite a bit. She is not patronising at all and seems to understand where I am coming from. She doesn't just sit there in silence and not say anything. I am finding it hard and I feel so drained after a session. I get quite anxious about them also. It is making me realise some of the reasons why I self harm and why I feel like I do. A lot of it I had not really addressed before and didn't understand why I do what I do. The only thing I am concerned about is making bigger issues of what is already there. I seem to have quite a lot of issues with my family and I am quite concerned that if I understand these then I may resent them. But then at the same time I know I can't continue with the self harming etc. It's making me aware of all these issues and I am not sure if it is the right thing to be doing. I think I will have to bring it up with her next time I see her.
One of the issues that I haven't discussed with her yet (I'm going to have to give her a name as it feels rude to refer to people as she and her...so from now on it's Sam) is how a lot of the time my mum puts me down. Especially when comparing me to my eldest brother. It's little comments and they really hurt. We were talking about private schools the other day and she was saying how my eldest brother would have passed the exams to go to the school as he was intelligent etc and then she went on to say how I would have never had passed as I am not as intelligent. There is often little remarks and they just leave me feeling inferior and stupid. I know I am not as when looking at exam marks etc I did as well at GCSE, better in my A Levels, the same in my degree. I am really close to my eldest brother and I would class him as one of my best friends and so I try not to get upset about it but it's quite disenheartening when you are often told you can't do something or I wouldn't have been able to do something as I wasn't intelligent enough. I feel really bad for even writing it down as I have only ever thought it before yet writing it and actually thinking about it in some detail is making me quite upset. I feel as though I have stabbed my brother in the back somehow. Am I being self obsessed?
Speaking of being self obsessed, my mum and I had an argument last night. I had an assignment due in today and I asked my mum for help last night. She was pissed again. She was not supposed to be drinking until Easter. So her new years resolution lasted less than a week. I am quite worried about what the parents drink. About 3-4 times a week they drink at least 3 bottles of wine a night between them. It's not just what it does to their health but I can't stand being around them when they are pissed. My Dad just becomes annoying and tries to be funny. My Mum, well, she becomes aggressive, hostile and nasty. So last night I was pissed off at her as it was the 3rd night running where they had had a lot to drink. I was pissed off as the night before they were supposed to be looking after my nephew and ok I was in but what if I wasn't. When I have kids I am not letting them stay here if they are going to be drinking. I know they wait for him to go to bed, but still. It's not fair on him. What if he wakes up in the night and then they don't hear him as they are too drunk. I know his mum and dad drink while he is in the house but it's their choice to do that, they are his parents. And to be fair my sister-in-law doesn't drink that much anymore as she knows she has to get up in the morning with him. Anyway, I asked my mum for help with part of the assignment and it had only been an hour since I had been upstairs doing work and when I came down they had had 2 bottles of wine already. I made a comment about the amount they drink. She then laid in to me saying I was being self obsessed and that it wasn't a problem and then made the comment "well at least when we drink we don't do stupid stuff like you have done". Referring to the night they know about where I self harmed. How low can you get? I was really upset so came up to my room.
She comes storming up after me saying how I was being self obsessed and stupid for being upset. No apology and still no apology the next day. She just walked in to my room while I was trying to work and so I told her to piss off as I wasn't going to speak to her while she was pissed. So she leaves and does the same thing again saying I am out of order and having a go at me again. I ended up leaving the house and going to uni to finish my assignment. While i was there I got missed calls from her and a really horrible voicemail. I am still pissed off about it. I know in some respects she is right about it being self obsessed as part of the reason why I hate them drinking is because of what it does to their mood and attitudes. I wasn't pissed off because she was of no use helping me but because she was pissed again! So yes, selfish in some respects, but I am worried about how much they drink. It's stupid. I know I have problems with drink. But at least I can admit to it. And, since November when it all happened I have not drunk anywhere near as much. I have managed to calm down on it and stop drinking when I feel as though I have had enough. Am I still self harming, yes! So it proves that it is not the drink causing it. I have cut down a lot on what I drink and quite often go a week without drinking.
I am actually getting angry as I write this now.
Different subject...
So I had a trip to A+E today. I went for x-ray on my arm as of the needle in it. I didn't say I knew what it was as I don't want people at the hospital knowing it was self harm that went wrong/too far. Anyway, it's still hurting quite a bit so I was sent from my G.P for an X-ray. You can see it clearly on there. The X-ray department sent me down to A+E. I thought they would just send it back to my GP and he would decide where to go. I really didn't want to go to A+E as I know a lot of the staff now. In fact the nurse I saw first was one who I have seen a few times (as he said). He even said to me "I've seen you a few times haven't I"? I can only remember seeing him once but who knows. I am usually crap with faces but I remembered him as he is really cute! Anyway, the A+E staff said it needed to come out and they were going to do it there but it is too deep so am being referred back to my GP who will refer me to surgeons. I don't think he will though. Think he just wants to leave it. So I don't know what will happen there.
Had some marks back on work from uni also. I had a mark back on my first assignment. TBH I was quite disappointed. I spent hours and hours on the bloody thing. Have never put so much effort in to a piece of academic work. Turns out I only just passed it. So I was quite upset with that. I was given decent feedback so I knew where I had gone wrong and hopefully I can improve on my written work. I have also had a mark back for an exam I did. I was happy with that mark. I did quite well. The only thing I was let down about was my friends have done quite a bit better than me. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I want to be the best at things and so I get quite let down in myself when other people have done quite a bit better. But I have to keep remembering I have passed. Of course I want my friends to do well, it's just that I want to do better. I am very competitive see.
I have not taken my meds in a while. I am worried that I will sink again but I can't get on with these new ones. I know I shouldn't have been but I was taking the Mirtazapine at the same time as them and so I was sleeping well at night. However, I have now run out of them and only have the Duloxetine. If I take them in the morning the nausea is unbearable. So I have been taking them at night but then I can't sleep. I have been on them about 6 weeks now and the side effects should have subsided but they haven't. So I have stopped taking them. I will mention it to the GP when I go back in a few days. I don't want to go on those other ones the Psychiatrist said as I don't think they will work. Clinical studies have shown they are no better than a placebo. I know these ones have improved my mood but I can't sleep on them. It's driving me mad. I am so tired all the time. Grrrr!
I have an appointment tomorrow with I think a psychologist. It's one that I was referred to by that waste of time Psychiatrist. I don't know if I have it in me to open up to someone else. I am finding it really hard with Sam but I am getting there and I like her. Sam has said it can be counter productive to have two things on the go at once. I know I want to continue to see her as I know over time I will be able to trust her. So I have sort of written this off before they have even offered me anything. I have the appointment tomorrow morning, I will be honest with her and tell her how I am feeling and see what she suggests. If she suggests a group then I will just laugh at her. I don't do groups!
I start back at uni tomorrow also. I am quite looking forward to it. I need to take my mind off things and need a focus elsewhere. The past few days all I can think of is Gom moving spaz features in. It's my house. I chose it with Gom when he brought it, it's my cat that lives there. He was brought for me. I want the cat back. The parents don't like cats though and we have a dog so there is no way we can have him here. And I want to avoid contact with Gom as much as I can. I have not seen him in over 9 months now. Yet it's still tearing me a part.
Ok, realised this blog had kinda ripped one of my new years resolutions of being more positive. But everyone needs a moan every now and again, and I have not blogged in nearly 2 weeks.
I'll try and be more positive in the next one!
xxx
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