Saturday, 9 April 2011

Disappointed....but for the wrong reasons.

I wrote about it last night on SF. I had tried self harming last night by my usual blood letting methods and I could just not find a vein anywhere. So lots of puncture marks no release. I had worked myself up to it. I knew I was going to and had worked up to have those feelings released by the self harm. Then they didn't I just felt really disappointed and let down.

It's bad isn't it when things work out like that.

I have slept loads today at least. I woke up at about 11, went back to nap at 1 and woke at 4.30pm. Good nap. Think it was cos I took 150mg of Quetiapine last night. I am only supposed to be on 100mg. My thought processes behind taking more were that I wanted to sleep the day away. I plan on a bottle of wine and the same again tonight and hopefully I can spend most of Sunday asleep.

I had thought it would be a nice idea to go on the park with a book. But the idea of getting dressed and sorted was too much for me today. So it has been a PJ day.

I think part of the reason I am feeling so down is because I don't have any money and it's a week until I get some more.

I get a bursary though of around £2000. It is meant to last me 4 months. I know what I am like though. I am already planning the things I want to buy. It's my birthday in June so I can ask for some of the things for my birthday. I want some RayBan prescription sunglasses. So I will ask for those as a birthday present. So I wont be needing to buy them. I also want some new clothes. I need a summer wardrobe. You know those harem style trousers I want some of those as I get too hot in jeans over the summer, so I will probably buy a couple of pairs of those. I also need tops. I only have 1 t-shirt at the minute. I don't really like wearing t-shirts as of two bingo wings and scars. I think normal people wont question them but professionals and people in the field I am in will.

I think I am going to get a bouncy castle also. Ok, that sounds a bit weird...but I want a BBQ for my birthday and I had a bouncy castle for my 21st and it was great so I want another one. It is a good laugh when you are pissed and there's a few of you. I was covered in bruises though. Worth it!

I say I am going to have a BBQ. But I hate organising anything. My friends are useless. I try and do something and they always drop out at the last minute and I end up getting hurt. So not sure if I want to arrange something like a bouncy castle if only 4 people will come. It's always loads of effort trying to arrange anything and I end up being let down. So I don't know if I will bother after all.

I also want to get a ticket to Leeds festival. The line up looks amazing. My brother is going with my sister-in-laws brother so I have asked if I can tag along and he has said yeah. The line up looks brilliant and I really wanna go. I get petrol money back from placement at the end of the month and that will pretty much cover my ticket cost. So I don't really mind paying £200 for the ticket. As I said...line up = amazing!

I have been sitting planning what I am going to spend my money on. It's bad isn't it? I know I should be saving it but I can't have it sitting there in the account.

I was going to go to Spain for a few days but I would rather go to the festival so I am putting the money towards that. I need new shoes also. I'm getting a pair of coloured converse (slightly more summery) and I need some summer shoes that aren't open toe or too soft. Risk of needle stick injuries and all that.

I've gone a bit mad there haven't I?

I still feel like I wanna self harm. I will do later. I think having a drink may help as dilutes my veins and brings them to surface.

I am feeling a bit speeded up today and I can't concentrate on one idea for any period of time. I thought reading a book may be a nice idea but I read the first page over and over as it wasn't going in. Annoying.


1 comment:

Kristy said...

I have been reading your blog even though I have never have left a comment. My foggy memory thinks I read you where dx. bipolar2 once . That might be an issue with your implusive money issues and cycles of moods. It might be something to keep in mind and keep a mood diary and see how predicatable your moods are. You might see a pattern.