Sprung

My friend text me today. She was taken to hospital Saturday night as someone threw a bottle at her and it hit her on the head. Result was her going to the ED. She said what time she was there etc. I didn't really think much of it. Just worried for her as it's a noticeable scar, or it will be when it heals. She kept asking and asking me if things were ok and then suddenly I clicked. I got home from the ED at about 5.30am. She was there at that time. She must have seen me.

So, I keep telling her that things are going great and then I get another message from her

"Are you sure you are ok? I saw you in the ED just before 5. I was about to be treated so couldn't speak to you and boyfriend was with me so didn't want to put you on the spot. I hope you feel you can say if something is wrong".

"Shit". Just what did she see and where? So after about an hour I had made some story up. Hoping she hadn't seen anything. I thought about saying I was there with someone else after a night out but I knew what I was wearing (joggers and a t-shirt) that that wouldn't go down. So I said that I had been sick and there was quite a bit of blood in it. I called NHS Direct and they advised me to go down to the ED. I then made up some story about how it was from my operation and the tubes being in my throat and being sick had caused a small tear. She asked me what had made me sick and I said some kind of allergic reaction. So she asked to what. I racked my brains what I have eaten with her before and am not likely to eat again and I said "clams". She was really questioning me over it. I could tell she doesn't believe me. She knows I self harm. She knows things are pretty shit but I wasn't going to tell her that.

I was worrying that she would have seen me while I was with the paramedics or when I was talking to a nurse when I was on the stretcher. But luckily not. She said she saw me on the phone in the entrance. Weirdly, I had a horrible feeling while I was there and I didn't want to walk through the department to get out so I went round a different corridor. I saw Bitch Nurse but I don't think she saw me. But I had this horrible feeling I didn't want to walk through the waiting area to get out. Turns out I was right. If I had have done she would have probably grabbed me there and asked what was going on and I wouldn't have been able to lie about it.

She kept asking me questions like why I wasn't in the main area. I said I was in a cubicle as I was throwing up and they didn't want me in the waiting area throwing up in front of other people as not nice for them. I said they gave me anti sickness pills while I was there which worked and told to go to my GP if I have any more problems.

I don't like lying but I am not prepared to tell anyone. As I said before I wouldn't give them my last name as I didn't want it on my medical records. I am glad she didn't approach me and it wasn't earlier as someone may have noticed and asked her what my last name was. It was a close call really. But I don't want it on my records. I am not going to tell Sam about it even. I can't see the point!

Bed time for me now. Another day of boring lectures tomorrow!

xxxx

And Again

That post I wrote in the early hours of this morning needs more explanation.

Basically I ended up cutting last night. I don't know why. It came from no where. The decision was made and I did it. I had had a drink so maybe it was that and it stopped any self control I had.

I did end up going to the ED as someone saw me. I didn't cut at home. I went to the local park and someone saw me and the ambulance came. I said I didn't need to go but they said if I didn't go they would call the police. I was scared of being put on a 136 again.

I feel quite ashamed by my behaviour last night. Fit Nurse was on. The one on first name terms with. I embarrassed myself. I don't know why I just didn't keep quiet but I was telling him about Bitch Nurse, and used her first name. So he knows exactly who I was on about. I must have come across as someone who just abuses NHS services. I did say that I had not cut since January and that was the last time I had to go as of self harm. I was saying it like it was something I should be proud of and making it seem as though it wasn't as bad as I hadn't been there since January. I am so ashamed by my behaviour. And I really didn't need to go there. I actually stabbed myself in the leg with a scalpel blade. It went all the way in. In my own stupid state I fished it back out also. The wound itself is not bad and all they did was clean it. But I think I have gone through muscle as it is quite painful. It's hard trying to walk without a limp. It's not as though I can blame my ankle as it's the wrong leg.

I feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have cut. I don't know why I gave in last night. Is it stress? Is it the situation with my friends? Oh and they have no idea I feel like this either. They have no idea I am pissed off and upset by them. So it's a whole one sided thing. And, no one has emailed me or anything saying they were sorry I had cancelled my birthday plans.

I feel quite down today. I think it is because I am feeling let down with myself over last night. Not so much the cutting but my behaviour. I refused to give a full name. I hope they didn't figure it out. I don't want it on my medical records. That's why I refused to give full details. They asked me if I wanted to talk to someone and I said no. I didn't want to talk to crisis team. And, as I said I don't want it on my medical records. I don't want the Psychiatrist finding out. I am not even going to talk to Sam about it. I am not going to let anyone know. When the doctor was asking me about my thoughts and if I wanted to kill myself I refused to answer her also. I was a fool last night and I am appalled by my own behaviour!

What bothers me is the fact that whilst I was cutting it felt amazing. Am I going back down the cutting route? I thought the letting was stopping me from cutting. Maybe it's not.

I am having a PJ, feeling sorry for myself day today. I have been lying on my bed most the day watching re-runs of casualty. Tomorrow I am in Uni all day. Just hope this bloody weather stops. It is supposed to be summer, yet I am freezing and it's pissing it down with rain.

Grrrrr

Cut

Stupid me cut. I say stupid it was good.

 I have been to ED as more of a stab than a cut.

 Going to get some sleep now.

Grrrr

Paying For Services

I wish that I paid for the services I receive. That way I would have a valid reason about stopping. That I can't afford it.

I have had counselling in the past and I was paying for it. So when it got that I didn't want to do it any more I could use lack of funds as and excuse. I was paying £30 per hour. That was the student rate. It should have been £50.

But, the more and more I think about it the more I don't want to do it anymore. I know. I do still let. But I can control it. I know it may go out of my control as Beth was saying on Tuesday. She said when I first started cutting I could control it quite well but got to stage where I couldn't. So this may happen with the letting.

I think what I don't like about all this work etc that I am doing is being told that I can't or wont be able to do something. Who the fuck are they to tell me that. Also, it kinda feels like too many people are involved. And too may people are getting together and discussing me. First Nurseman Mike calling in Crisis Team (after a lengthy discussion with the PDoc. I think Mike wants me sectioned!!!!!

Then Dr T talking to everyone. Dr T talking to Sam. Dr T having "discussions" about me and how a MH Assessment may be on the cards. Dr T discussing me in meetings about Support workers. Being discussed in meetings about what I do and they probably think they all know the answers. Being discussed in supervision between Sam and clinical psychologist (CP) whom I was referred to. Then Beth (My CPN) wanting to have a meeting with Sam and CP to talk about me again. I don't want these people talking about me anymore. I don't want these discussions anymore. I don't want people talking about me. It's not that I am worried what they will say behind my back. OK, I am a little. Sam generally tells me most things that are going on. Well I say that and I bet she is still having meetings about me.

I don't want it going on behind my back, but I don't want to be involved with it anymore. I don't want them talking when I am there either. I don't want it anymore.

I want to walk out. I know Catherine has said what would you say if it was a patient and you were working. Well. I feel now that I can never go back in to that job. I know on the face of it how it all looks. But look more deeper at my thoughts and feelings and as a worker I wouldn't be able to say anything. Seriously!

I would start off with all the shebang about needing help and rah rah rah rah. I would probably, may, possibly (I don't know) discount my own feelings. But no one knows how it feels deep inside.

I know that I don't want this anymore. It's too hard and I feel I have so much shit going on that this can be filed and put away.

Also, I am not planning on being here from mid August onwards. So why even try?

XXXXX

Disappointment.

Yet again I am disappointed. I don't know why I bother.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. So, I thought I know, it's summer it will be nice to have a BBQ and have my friends over. I was thinking about others in that I didn't want people to spend loads of money and I don't have money so thought it would be nice. So I make a Facebook event and invite friends from Uni and friends who I have known a while. Out of about the 25 people I invited 8 people said they would come. And then, when you have people who say they will come they never do.

What bothers me is that I make an effort to go to other people's things. I have been away usually once a year for someones birthday which costs me a fortune. And it usually means re arranging other things. But it seems as though no one wants to make the effort for me. People have already arranged to be going away that weekend (when they know fully well it's my birthday and they are supposed to be my friend). Bloody hell. I sound a bit young don't I?

I know I shouldn't be upset. After all I am going to be 27. People have plans etc. But what gets me and what upsets me is I give over 6 weeks notice that I am planning on doing something. And then they go and make other plans. And, if it was another of their birthday they always change their plans etc to fit in around. It's not like I am asking much. Bring a bottle of wine and maybe about 10quid in taxis. £15. It's not exactly the £100 and more that it costs to go somewhere for the night. I feel quite let down by them.

Any way. Because I always end up getting upset by my birthday, hence why I made sure I was away for it last year, I have decided to cancel what I had planned and have asked my brothers and my mum if we can go out for a meal together. But I am not even sure if my brother will as he is moving house the next day.

Not family related but what is it with friends. I thought I was a nice person. I thought I was a good friend. I do good things for other people. I know it's childish but I can't help but be upset by it.

I am more upset by this than I am by finding out Gom was planning his wedding to LD. Either that says I am closer at getting over Gom or I am being childish about this whole thing with friends.

Thinking of Quitting

I don't really want to be in therapy anymore. I can't see where I a going with it and I have started to feel uncomfortable in sessions. I used to be ok and I could open up but I don't feel that way anymore.

I also don't want to see Beth or Dr T any more.

I feel as though I am not getting anywhere. Things are no different now than they were when it all started. I have been seeing someone 7-9 months now and I don't feel as though things have changed. So what's the point? I don't like making my private thoughts open for every one to share. Also. Beth has said she wants to meet up with Sam and also the clinical psychologist so they can all work together. And, I know I shouldn't feel it but with all these people involved I am feeling as though I am being ganged up on. I am also feeling bad as Sam is nothing to do with NHS yet they keep pulling her in to things about me. It's not right. I feel as though I am taking too many of the organisations resources as she must be spending quite a bit of time on me. More than other people who just go to see her for an hour a week.

And, there is probably a waiting list for the service. I don't want to stop the blood letting and when I cut it is planned and usually with an OD and all part of a plan of trying to kill myself. Or if it's not it doesn't happen that often. I have got the blood letting and that has stopped me cutting. I haven't cut since January. I use that instead. So I feel as though I am being selfish as there may be someone who is waiting who actually wants to stop self harming and I am taking up a space.

Am I being rational? Can you see my point?

I need advice here please.

xxx

Fat Club - 2nd Weight In + Meeting with CPN

So,

Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds

I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.

Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.

So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.

On to the next thing on the agenda.

Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.

She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.

Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.

It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...

But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!

Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.

She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.

I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.

I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.

All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.

We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.

To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.

I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!

One Husky Mama

Gom is engaged. I found out last night. How do I feel? Well I saw it coming. I'll write more about this but first what led up to me finding out.

I went out last night with uni girls. Decent bars and lots of men. We ended up in my favourite club as it is an Indie Disco type place. Brilliant. I never get to go there as my normal friends don't like it. I love it. And it's always full of really hot men. Anyway, so we were there. I met a few nice men. I sat with a couple outside while I was having a cig and went on to tell them that as there was such a big age difference between him and his brother, he was 40 his brother was 23, and the other siblings were around the same age that he was probably an accident. Yeah. I have a way with the guys don't I? I was only joking with him and he did find it quite amusing. They brought me a drink also.

So, back downstairs and I meet another guy, we talked, we kissed and we had a drink. I don't really remember what happened to him. I don't know if I decided I'd had enough, or if I went to the loo and got distracted on the way back. More dancing with the girls and I meet another guy. I quite liked him. We danced, we kissed, we drank. We left the club went to the bar next door as I thought it would be quieter. He kept asking me to go home with him but I said no. I was a good girl. Also, he was really pissed. And I seemed to be the one who was the one in control. If it was the other way around and I had have been not really knowing what I am doing the bloke would have been seen to be possibly taking advantage of a pissed girl. So, I said we would go to the 24hour place and get soft drinks and woop his ass at pool. As we were queuing to go in he grabbed a guy who was already in there. It turned out to be Gom's ex best mate. My friends boyfriend, Jack.

Turns out he was out in a group with him. Then I got chatting to his mates and they said they were going back to Jack's flat which is a penthouse flat and did I wanna go back with them. At this point the guy I was with had gone and I said why not. I knew Jack and so thought his mates would be ok. It was as we were walking back that we were talking and found out that one of the guys knew Gom quite well and he was telling me how he was all busy planning his wedding. I was like, what? He's engaged. And the guy was like you didn't know?

We walked back holding hands but that was it. He was well fit, but he had a live in girlfriend. He kept trying it on but I was having none of it. I said to him that if I was her and he was my bloke I would  be upset by his behaviour. He then went on to tell me about his online girlfriend in Denmark also. Nice guy!

So how am I feeling about all of this. Surprisingly ok. I am going to sound like a bitch now. But...

She is nothing compared to me. I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I am pretty. Ok, overweight but I can change that and I am doing. I have a big personality and know what I want and what I don't. I have aspirations in life and I am doing a Masters so that I can get a meaningful job and do something with my life. I am good fun. People say I am fun to be around and interesting. Now compare this to someone who is not that good looking. As I said before she looks as though there is something not quite right with her. I think she may also be a bit on the podgy side. So I win on looks! Lol. Ok I am a bitch but I am not going to stop.

From what people have said about her she is dull and boring. She has nothing about her and her favourite topic of conversation is what goes on in the City Centre shopping mall's car park. She doesn't have a job that is going anywhere and from what people have said has no aspirations to do anything else. Jack was really slagging her off last night saying how boring she is and he is considering dumping Gom as a friend as he really can't stand LD.

Now the way I feel is. I am not that person. I don't want to be that person and I will never be that person. If that is what Gom wants then we were obviously best off out of it. If that is what is making him happy then let him have it. If she had been drop dead gorgeous and my other friends liked her and she was a different person then I would feel differently. If, she was like me I would feel differently. But she is the total opposite to me.

Ok, I am not with anyone at the moment. But, as you can see from what I have written I am having a whole heap of fun. I spent most of my 20's with Gom. I am enjoying the rest.

Jack was saying last night that I was looking good. He could tell I had lost weight. When Gom and I broke up I was around 19stone. Just not being with him made me lose weight without even trying that much. Jack's friend seemed to think so also. They said they couldn't believe I was with Gom for so long as I am fun, and they couldn't picture us together.

I wasn't supposed to find out Gom was engaged. Gom had told Jack he couldn't even tell his girlfriend Neve incase she told me. Why would he even be bothered? I find it odd. Forget about me and move on.

If I was him and happy with someone else; like he must be if he is getting married to her, then I wouldn't think about his feelings. Why wouldn't he want me to find out? Weird. Or am I just reading too much in to it... please if you have read this far would you comment your thoughts on this.

So I am a husky thing at the moment. I have lost my voice. It's so weird. The past couple of days I was in agony with my throat as of the operation. I think they bruised my throat with the tubes or something. I have been in so much pain with it that I have been in tears. Every time I swallowed it was like someone stabbed me in the neck. The pain isn't as bad now, but I have lost my voice. I have never lost my voice before so I am finding it quite amusing. I was having the piss taken out of me last night.

I had a really good night last night. Even hearing about the engagement didn't ruin it. I am a little upset, who wouldn't be, but I know I am better than her! I really am a bitch aren't I. I sort of feel if that is what he wants and that is what makes him happy I deserve better.

Please comment on this as I would love to hear other peoples views on this!

I Went East

Transferring my blog over to here a bit at a time...

Nearly Packed...

I have nearly packed. I didn't realise how hard it would be to get 3 months in to one bag. Obviously I plan on doing washing and not taking 3 months worth of new clothes. But those who know me will know I can not travel light. It is a near possibility. I take a suitcase when I go for one night somewhere, so then tell me I have to get a variety of clothes in a bag that I need to carry for 3 months and we have a slight problem. Those who have ever been anywhere with me then they will also know before going anywhere I change outfits about 3-4 times.



I have reluctantly given up on the hairdryer...big frizzy hair here I come! But I really can not think of things I can cut down on. My mum said she will help me cut down on things. I am not giving up shoes, and I need my 3 pairs of trousers, 3 pairs of leggings. Is 10 t-shirts excessive? Maybe I don't need all the dresses/tunics, and the purple silk dress? But dam it. I have brought them I will dam well wear them! Arghhhh!!!! I don't like this whole packing malarky!!!!! I have a weight limit to be under though. And I would like some space just incase I buy anything. Unlikely as money will be tight!


Anyone fancy being my own personal porter? No money paid but you will get the pleasure of my company. Maybe the odd moan.


How the hell am I going to manage?

5th Apr 2010



Made it and cor blimey it is rather warm!

I made it. After over 24 hours of travel I made it to Bangkok. My body clock is really messed up and trying to stay up til later and go to bed at a normal time so that I can get used to it quickly. It will mean though that I have not slept since Saturday night and that was only for 4 hours, Think I am running on excitement of being here though. Staying in the main backpacker area of the Khao San Road. Loads of tourists but it has a really nice vibe to the area. The flight was pretty uneventful apart from when checking in the guy asked where my Visa was as return is not until 1st July and to stay here 3 months you need to apply in advance apparentely. Anyway after nearly having a heart attack and getting worried I'd be back in Nottingham by Sunday night I remembered that I had printed off my internal flight confirmations for the flight to Vietnam. Luckily it was all ok. Then I was worried at this end the Thai authorities would be a bit questionning of my plans etc, but there was nothing. He stamped my passport and waved me through.

We were delayed slightly. We were put on the plane and were told there was technical problems which would take about 50 mins to sort out. So sat there with nothing to do. Then from Abu Dhabi were also delayed as another flight we were waiting on was also delayed. So hit Bangkok rush hour traffic! Oh joy!

I can't get over how quiet this place seems. I remember it being really noisy and awful. But comparing it to Mumbai and Delhi it's country driving. They don't incestently beep their horns and they just sit out the traffic jam. Seems so peaceful compared to India.

Spent about an hour looking for a room that was not extortionate or really horrible. Paying about 6pounds a night for a fan room which is more than I want to be paying but it is Bangkok so is slightly more expensive than everywhere else. It's ok though. Sharing a bathroom but it's a massive bed in a spacious clean room. The bathrooms are really clean also. One I looked at was gross. It was a single bed in the tiniest darkest room. Imagine the film The Beach at the beginning where he was in Bangkok and that was basically it. It's quite weird being back here. It's 6 years since I was here last but I remember where I stayed and how things were.

It is sooooooo hot! According to this is is 36c and cloudy....it's not. It is nearer to 40c and sunny. The cold shower was lovely. Don't need hot water when it is like this. I am a shiny freak at the moment. Need to get used to the heat.

So far being on my own is ok. Ok, I know I have only been here 7 hours but I've met some people already. Although they did seem to only talk about how wasted they have been getting and how off their faces on mushrooms and other stuff that could put you in a nice Thai prison for eternity. Seemed rather young in their approach to things.

Just went for a really nice lunch. Thai green curry with loads of veg in. With 2 drinks and the curry and rice it was just over 2pounds. Nom nom nom!

Not sure what I am going to do next whether or not I am leaving tomorrow and going further north or hanging around here. I need to leave my passport with the embassy while they process my visa which takes about 3-4 working days. I need to find out if I can leave bangkok really. If not I will probably move away from KSR area as is quite over priced. Want to visit a few places near by but also want to go to the north. I suppose I could always do that once Rach has returned home.

Will blog again soon when I have actually done something of interest!
xxxx

Vietnam

I am just reading through my old blog about when I was travelling. I will transfer it all over to here at some point but I just had to copy and paste this that I had just read that I had written. It made me smile remembering it.

1) Who says you can't get as much on a motorbike as in a car...


- I have seen up to 5 people on one motorbike... a kid standing in front of the driver, the driver, his wife, another child and a babe in arms. Yup...the new family vehicle. My tour guide to the tunnels said it is law that you have to wear a helmet and usually everyone does, but it is also the law that you can have 2 adults and one child (under the age of 6) on one bike....he did say that the police usually tend to forget this law.

2) A motorbike is as good as a van with a roof rack...

- I've seen it all. Today alone I have seen

a) the passenger carrying a car windscreen between him and the driver (that would have made a bloody mess if they crashed).

b) A MASSIVE HUMONGOUS pig in a pen. The pig was the biggest I have ever seen. Must have weighed 300kg easily. This was some how attached to the bike seat where the passenger sits.

c) A man had tied approx 10metre long bamboo rods (think they were scaffolding poles) and was towing them behind him. There were about 5 of them and he had just tied one end to the seat and about 10metres behind him they were trailing on the ground.

3) A motorbike can be used in all weather conditions...

- They just don a poncho and bring their knees up under their chin and carry on riding. Or put an umbrella up hold that with one hand and steer with the other. These aren't super strong umbrellas that don't turn inside out with a bit of wind either. So to compensate that they usually just ride with in in front of their faces!

Also, I saw people riding through water that was knee deep.

4) It's not hard to ride a motorbike...
- just ask the guy who was reading his newspaper while on the highway.

5) The women here do not like the sun at all and would rather die of heat exhaustion than the sun get on their skin...

- Most women here when out and about wear thick white/tan stockings even with flip flops, they wear a surgical mask (although think this is to do with pollution also), gloves, scarves, and hoodies. And it's 30c+. They also wear sunglasses even when it's pouring rain.

Some Of My Favourite Photos.

 Paris is one of my most favourite places in the world. I have been 4 times and want to go again soon. These are a few of my favourite Paris pictures.

The first place I always go to is Sacre Couer. I just love it there. I love the church the atmosphere and also Montmatre around the back. These photos are Sacre Couer or around Montmatre.










These photos are also of Paris.



This photo was taken in the main Cemetery. I know the name just not how to spell it. I like how I have captured two people walking away with their arms around each other.
















This photo is in a shopping centre in Paris. I love the Christmasyness of it all.
















Notre Dam




Most people when they think of Paris the first thought that comes to mind is the Tour de Eiffel, or in English, The Eiffel Tower. A tower recognised throughout the world.

And Finally of the Paris photos...

I have also been to India a couple of times and these are some from my last trip there in 2009.

 

This was taken on Varkala Beach. If you look closely you can see stray dogs under the sun lounges getting shade from the intensive heat.

This is the beach in Goa. It was a lovely beach and it was quiet as it was out of season when we went.

This was in Kerala on the backwaters. The were beautiful. I like this pic. Especially as I was just holing the camera up and pointing it behind me without looking. It's a shame that I have caught my hair in it also though.











Last year I went travelling around South East Asia. I went to Thailand, Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia.

Although this is not an amazing photo I like it because it was the view from my little hut that I had in Ko Chang.









If you have seen the film The Beach with Leo DiCaprio you may recognise this beach. It was stunning. I would say it's the most beautiful beach I have even been to.










Railay Bay. Thailand















The Temples Surrounding Angkor Wat. Cambodia. Cambodia is the most amazing country I have been to. It amazes me how fast and their resilience to what happened there only 30 years ago. Such a brilliant place.

Vietnam was also an amazing place. They didn't like the Americans very much and the Americans that I met whilst there weren't too keen on Vietnam. However, I have nothing but good experiences (a part from taxi drivers trying to rip me off and arguing with them but that's pretty normal in Asia anyway. Well it was in my experiences). The Vietnamese were incredibly friendly. They would come up to me in restaurants just to talk to me. Another thing I liked about Vietnam was how Asian it was. I went there just after Thailand which I was disappointed with as it seemed to have lost a lot of it's culture and had got very seedy in the 6 years it had been since I had last been there.


Ha Long Bay.














The streets of Hanoi.











This was in Sa Pa. This is a hill region in north Vietnam. The people who lived here had a whole different culture to the rest of the Vietnam and they also had slightly different appearances. It was a lovely place and because it was so high up the change of climate was very welcome from the 40c humidity of the rest of Vietnam.





This is what tubing is. This photo although, not very clear reminds me of a day where I was laughing so much I was in pain. My friend and I were going down the river and we decided to stop at a bar but she didn't get out in time and we ended up miles away from each other. Tubing in Vang Vieng was amazing and I would recommend that although it's not typical Laos, it's so much fun and the scenery is lovely.

I went to Whitby in Yorkshire a few years ago and took so many pictures. These are a few of my favourites.

 

My favourite time of the day is sunset. So, funnily enough I love taking photos of sunsets. I have hundreds of them. Here are just a couple though.
This is at Reading Festival in 2009. I love this picture as it reminds me of summer.

This Photo was taken from Cafe Del Mar in Ibiza. Even though I have done lots of travelling all over the world this sunset was probably the best one I have seen. Cafe Del Mar had a soundtrack to the sunset which was perfect. It was timed to the second with the sun going away and it was amazing!

I don't know where I pulled this photo from. I have forgotten. I think it's a Thailand sunset but I am not sure.

I have got 100's and 1000's of photos. My friends have a nick name for me as I see everything through the lens of a camera. I take 1000's of photos. I wish I had an SLR and could edit. But these are what you see is what you get, I think I may have added a slightly red tint on a couple but I have not edited them.

I hope you like these photos.

xxxx

Operation

So, obviously because I am writing this, I am still here.

I had the operation in my arm today under a general anaesthetic. Was supposed to be a short operation but I was under for more than 2 hours. And, they couldn't get it out. So I am feeling quite miserable. Miserable in the fact that my plan of eating and drinking so I would aspirate didn't work. And also, because I am stuck with the pain of the bloody thing in my arm. My follow up appointment isn't for 3 months. 3 bloody months. I was last on the list today. I didn't even see the consultant after the op for him to explain anything to me about the follow up appointment. I really don't like the consultant. He is an arrogant twat.

The experience on the whole wasn't bad or scary. It was boring waiting around for 3 hours before they took me in at 14.30. Come my turn I was taken in to theatre and there was a whole team of people dressed in green scrubs. He took a few x-rays first and then they put the cannula in.The anaesthesiologist then gave me some Medazalan, which I couldn't really see the point of. What is the point in a sedative just before they put you out? Then she put a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply. Then I saw them putting the general in. The only reason I knew it was the general was because it is like milk. I wasn't told that's what they were doing. I didn't even see it all going in. It knocked me straight out. Next thing I know I am being told they are going to move me on to the ward. I can't remember being in recovery except there was a woman sitting next to me and her saying that I hadn't come round yet. I mumbled that it hurt and then I was taken to the ward. I was then given a hefty dose of morphine. Nice! Lol. I am sure the amount of that stuff I have had recently I may become addicted (just kidding there but it seems they are happy to hand it out like a can of pop; and it does taste nice).

Surprisingly, I wasn't scared. I was at first but after waiting so long for it to be my turn I was feeling ok. It surprises me as I thought there was a possibility that I could die, that I wanted to die. But I was pretty calm. So, I take that as confirmation of my feelings about ending everything. I thought there was a high possibility of me being sick while I was under and it drowning me. But no.

How do I feel now? Disappointed. Other than that, a bit woozy. I feel like I've had a few drinks and my head is not all there. I also feel really emotional. The smallest thing is setting me off. Like being told I had to make my own dinner if I wanted some, my Dad saying "you do watch some crap" when he didn't even know what I was watching. It was actually the Panarama from the other night. Did anyone see it? If not it's shocking. The abuse those patients were put through from sadistic "care" workers. It's on BBC iPlayer if you have not seen it. I have worked in similar settings and I have never seen anything like that. It's so shocking that people think they can treat others like that.

Oh, and I've got the Morphine Itch now. Grrr. So annoying. I've just taken a cyclizine (from my previous hospital stay) to combat the woozy feeling. Being as though they are anti-histamines I hope that it stops me itching. Grrrr.

So feeling pretty miserable right now. And, to top it all off I have got to get up early in the morning as there is someone coming to fix my balcony roof. It's leaking water in to downstairs. The parents have only just re-decorated also. It's cos the floor gets really hot and gets deformed. So even if they do work from the outside like they did today, I am not going to be able to sleep while there are 2 strange men only feet away. And my nephews are staying with us for 3 nights so that means baby talk tourettes from my Dad. I love my nephews so much, but I find that after a while of them being here and my Dad being around I want to get out. I love it when he's not here. If he wasn't here I'd want them to live with us. It's just my Dad. And it really annoys me how he always makes my mum and I to be the bad guy. Like if oldest nephew is doing something he shouldn't be he'll tell him not to do it but when it comes to actually taking the thing off him, or moving him away it's my Mum or myself that has to do it. Then there's tears then we get "isn't Granny/GP mean? Awwwww come here". And then it's hugs and kisses for something he shouldn't have been doing.

I'm moaning now. But it does piss me off. I'm fed up!