Friday, 5 August 2011

I'm Going To Try Again

Don't tell me to go to hospital, don't tell me to call Crisis Team. You know my feelings about them.

I don't want to go on like this anymore. The cycles I can't control are in control of me.

I just hope it works. I will leave the house in the dead of night to ensure that my family don't find me. OK, it's probably pretty selfish as some poor dog walker will. What have they done to deserve that? But, they wont be able to do anything about it. It's not as though they can think "what could I have done". Well in all honesty no one can do anything. I am broken. You can't fix me now. It has gone too far.

I am not all together sure it will work. But if you never try you will never succeed. Try try again and then you will succeed. Never give up. That is what I was taught through my childhood. Never give up! Friday night is probably not the best night to try with people coming back from out on the town. But, if I can get to where I need to be then it should work.

If you never try you'll never succeed!


catherine said...

you are not broken. i don't see you that way. sad, desperate, out of ideas, maybe. but not broken. can you call sam? i don't want to lose you.

Golden Psych said...

No it's 9pm at night and I wouldn't anyway. She is off on her holiday now. She's stayin at home bit I still wouldn't call her.She is my counsellor not my friend. I feel she is already doing so much. But I am not going to call her in times like these...mainly cos I have made up my mind to try again! xxx

catherine said...

i don't think she'd mind if you called, but i understand not wanting to call at 9 pm at night. all i can say is please reconsider. you have so much to offer the world. you are going to be a great social worker. just focus on that. when they told you to try, try again as a child they didn't mean keep trying to kill yourself. if anything, it means keep trying to survive. is anyone around on suicide forum? can you post there as well, or go into chat? i'll be around for a while if you want to keep posting.

Golden Psych said...

She's my counsellor not my friend. That is the relationship we have. Ok, she hugged me but I have given hugs to patients who need a hug. She is my counsellor not my friend.

She works with me. As I said there is a professional relationship and if called it woudn't get picked up until she is off holiday. I don't want to disturb her holiday either. sHE is a counsellor and she will not be my friend as ifyou are a proffessional you don't cross that line.


werehorse said...

I have various "suicide rules" and one of them is that if there is the slightest ambivalence in me I don't make an attempt. Some of the things you've posted recently, about your social work, about your male friend, about your desire to lose weight, suggest that somewhere in you there is a desire for a future - can that be enough?

You realise that if you try and fail you will almost certainly end up in hospital? I don't know, maybe that is what you need. But can your fear of hospital keep you alive?

Suicide is *always* an option. So you can put it off for now and then always come back to it later. But I've been convinced I want to die and right now I'm glad I didn't. So things can change, really they can.

I don't know what to say really. I'm just trying to stop you doing this. Please just think about it.

peter said...

From what you are saying now is obviously the wrong time.

catherine said...

hi golden i hope you are okay. please update me? hugs, c.

Michael said...

Just wondering how you are GS?

Not heard for three days now so have to worry a bit.

And with labels of 'death' and 'suicide' - I pray your still here. If not - your at peace. Sadly - we will not be. There is no comfort that can be taken from suicide - its a horrible thing. It confirms to us that the world is - not really worth it.

As for friends - you got people who could be - on the forum. We are not professionals - we're just in the same boat is all. And we might as well get along with each other - offer support and so on.

Here in the UK times are tough - all we have is each other.

I'm there and others also.


I hope and pray your here.

You'll Never Walk Alone - Hold Your Head Up High said...

Was hoping your next article was up by now but obviously your still working on it.

Hope there are a few positives GP.

Narratives my dear.

We create them - go through the motions and things happen.

Good luck, God bless and I hope you find some peace of mind - even for a few hours a week helps.

Regards as ever. PLG