Wednesday, 16 November 2011


They've asked me to go informally. Either that or they tell my mum everything so I said I'd go. They need to see if there is a bed first. Waiting to hear.

Update at 17.55

I have spoken to the team a couple of times. There are no beds. They still wanted to tell my Mum. I have managed to put them off. I spoke to them the first time and said I could either lie and say I would be fine or I could tell them the truth and say that although it wasn't in my plans tonight I couldn't guarantee anything. I didn't say I would do anything, just that I was really struggling and that I don't know how much longer I can hang on for. On the second call they gave me the options again saying they had been trying for beds but still couldn't get one and they would need to speak to my Mum. I said I really didn't want that as would make things worse. I said I couldn't do that to her. She is in counselling herself for the relationship breakdown.

They asked why would I not want her to know and was worried about her finding out how I was feeling or finding me dead. I didn't say it, I couldn't but the reason is because, I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out if I was dead. I would be gone. How selfish am I?

In the end they agreed that if I call crisis team at 7pm and speak to them and the duty team can call me tomorrow at 10am then they wouldn't go in telling my Mum. Duty team want me to go in tomorrow. I will, but again I am going to tell them I don't want their input as I can deal with things much better on my own. If I hadn't had all this going on today I wouldn't have had the extra stress making me more certain of planning things. The last time people were involved and I was honest I ended up sectioned. Worst possible scenario. So I don't want it now!

I feel awful. I feel like the most selfish person alive. And as of that in a vicious circle.

I don't want to go into hospital. I suppose if it's informal I have more control over things. But at the same time, the place makes me stir crazy. But again, if it's informal I can leave when I want. No, I don't want to go. I don't want anyone involved. The only thing I am sure of at the moment is the feeling of being suicidal.


Kristy said...

Hoping you can get your mood stable. The hospital can do that for you and provide you with a safe place. Be willing for treatment so you can turn around your dangerous impluses. You will not always feel like killing yourself. IT IS YOUR MOOD or psychois. It isn't rational to want to die. Please take care of yourself. You really do deserve and are capable of good things in life.

catherine said...

the most important thing is finding a place where you will be safe, and home doesn't sound like that place. take advantage of what the hospital has to offer. maybe they need to adjust your meds some more. it took a while to get mine right (well over a year and a half). i'll be holding you in my thoughts tonight, strongly, and hope you can hang on til morning. xox c.