I keep looking up methods and how I could go about attempting. I think I know how I would do it if and when I try. It's got to that stage again and I can't cope with going on like this.
I said yesterday that I thought I needed to be back in hospital, well I have been thinking about it more and I think it would possibly make things worse for me. The PDoc in there thought that was the case also at the time. It does make things worse for me being in there, so I can't see how going back in would help. Nothing would help now. I have racked my brains today thinking what would honestly help me. Would calling crisis team? No, I tried that before and it was awful. Would being open with Beth about it help? I don't think so. I think as soon as I mention I am suicidal and have been making plans she will make me have another Mental Health Act Assessment. If I mention it to Sam she will again have to break confidentiality and get Beth involved which again would lead to MHA.
So, it doesn't leave me in a good place really. I have been looking up methods and how much I need of what and I know I have enough as I was given some pretty dangerous stuff. Stuff that would work within an hour should I get it right. But, the same thing is I don't want to do it while my Mum is around as wouldn't want her to find me. So I need to figure something out in terms of that. I have thought of a number of different ways but I keep coming back to the same place.
I have an appointment with Beth on Wednesday. My Mum has asked if she can speak to her. I am not sure why, but I have an idea. It may be something to do with the fact my Mum has noticed I am down again. I have not been out of my PJ's since Saturday. Kinda gross really. I have no motivation and I can't see the point in making the effort to get showered and dressed when I don't have to be anywhere or do anything. When I feel like this I don't want to go anywhere or do anything so what is the point in getting showered and dressed? I know tomorrow I need to get in the shower as my hair hasn't been washed since Thursday and is starting to smell. Gross I know.
I am sleeping quite a bit at the moment. Last night it was about 13 hours and was the same Saturday night also. I feel as though I need it. My time is all off though as I am not going to bed until about 2am so not waking up til between 2-3pm the next day. My mum has probably noticed that also.
I don't know what to say to Beth on Wednesday. I don't want to end up in hospital again. I feel if I am honest that is the way it is going to go.