I am thinking that I may need to be in hospital again. I don't want to go and will do my best to try and stay out but I am struggling too much. I am back in the planning stage and have a number of ideas. I feel like I did just before I was admitted last time. It scares me how powerful the thoughts are. When I came out the hospital they were just fleeting thoughts but now it's back on a reel again.
I have no purpose in life. I am not giving anything and I can't see a future. I have no point. There is no point in my existence.
What worries me if I end up in hospital is that I will end up somewhere on a long term basis as that is what they said last time when I was on the medical ward and they were contemplating what to do with me, whether to put me back in PICU and then transfer to somewhere long term or to go back to the ward that I had come from. I don't want to be in hospital, I don't want to be alive and I don't have any fight left in me. So, what does that mean?