I have been detained under S2 of MHA. I don’t have internet access but I do have my lap top so at least I can write and keep an updated blog kind of. Excuse the tenses as I am writing as I go along.
They turned up on mass. Five of them all together. Dr T, a GP who I have not seen in a while but I used to see him regularly. He knows my history and is the lead person at the surgery. The AMHP, who I found patronising, but I will get to that in a minute. Beth my CPN/CCO and Matt from Crisis team. It was horrible. They were firing questions at me from all angles. Hard questions. Questions I found hard to answer in the comfort of my own home. Asking me my intentions. What I wanted. I explained I didn’t want input anymore. I explained I felt that having input made things worse. Things had become worse since more people were involved. Again, I could not make eye contact. The pattern the rug became interesting. Very interesting. I couldn’t seem to make them see that things were being made worse for me.
They asked me to go informally. I said no. I don’t want to be in hospital. Worst nightmare comes true. I was asked to leave the room. I knew what they would be saying. Then I heard them on the phone trying to hunt down a bed. I was out the room about 20 minutes and a few of them trickled out. I am not sure why Matt from Crisis team was there or Beth. I knew what they were doing and I knew my fate. Hospital! Section 2. Up to 28days. Possibly followed by a S3, up to 6 months.
After a while they all left bar the AHMP. He didn’t seem to appreciate that I had worked in the local hospitals. And what impact that would have on me. In the end he did manage to arrange a bed in the nearest town. He managed to get someone to swap for me. It is the same hospital that I was taken to when I was detained on the S136.
I had to pack up some things at home to bring with me. I was told no sharps. Well I didn’t let them know I had already stowed my needles away. I need them. It took about 45 minutes to drive to the hospital. My mum drove and the AMHP came with us as he needed to be here to sign me in etc. We were put in a side room. Queue being stared at by others.
I was petrified. I didn’t know what to do with myself. The AMHP kept saying how well I had done to get here. I was like “yeah, I’ve done really well to be locked up under S2”. Patronising. Me; sarcastic!
They left. I was shown to my room. At least I get my own room. Basic and no lig points. I have already looked in to that. I was lying on the bed, staring at the wall. Vision became blurry. I spaced out not really sure where to. Not one with my own body. Not me.
Being here is making things worse for me. I have spent hours planning how I can self harm. How I can kill myself. The thoughts are so much stronger since I have been here. I can’t eat. I am not sure how much of that is I can’t or I won’t as a control thing. I think part of it is a control thing. It’s something I still have control of. I don’t have control over anything. I don’t choose when I take my meds. I get them forced on to me at 10pm. 8am, 12pm and 10pm. I don’t like taking the Quetiapine that early. I am on 10 minute obs. Or I was and I am now not sure. No one seems to have been in a while. I don’t want to be on obs. As soon as I come off I plan on somehow attempting again. I am also going to cut. I have what I need to cut. I also have my needles and I did blood let earlier. No checks were made on the stuff I brought in.
Last night (my first night) the nurse had a chat with me. She said it was down that I am not willing to engage. I don’t want to talk to people. I want to be on my own. I wouldn’t be planning another attempt this soon if I wasn’t here. Proof it is making me worse. I have spied the board in the office with patient’s names on. I am on the only one on obs. Also next to my name it says risk of DSH and non-engagement.
I am not going to engage. But I don’t want to be here. I need to make them see that it makes things worse for me being here. I have stayed in my room since I have been here. Only leaving to have a cigarette. They won’t let me hold on to my own cigs. They won’t let me light my own and they watch me like a hawk while I am outside. It’s a secure courtyard so it’s not as though I can go anywhere. First opportunity though I am making a run for it. I need to be away from here.
Last night I was given lorazepam which was supposed to make me feel a bit less agitated. Didn’t really work. Then I was verbally dragged out of bed to go and get stupid medication. I am going to try and store them somehow. I don’t want the medication. I don’t want anything. All day today I have been planning self harm. All I have done all day is lie on the bed listening to my iPod thinking about how I can cut. I think I am off obs now. So it will give me some more opportunity.
I don’t even get to see a Doctor until Monday. So I am def here until Monday. Ward round is once a week so if I don’t get out then, I will be in for another week. Fucking fantastic.
So yeah, I suppose I am feeling quite angry at the moment. I am also worried. Nursey last night said there are people who work here who have worked at the places I have worked before. One of my friends from when I worked at the secure unit also works here. Not on my ward but on another one which I am likely to get transferred to. I would rather it be him than anyone else though. I think I may even open up to him. I was quite close to him when we worked at the forensic unit. He looked out for me. If I had come off the ward crying for some reason or when I was attacked he was the one who came after me and got me through tough times at work.
Although there is this, I am still ashamed that I have been sectioned. Have I royally fucked up my career? There is still that part of me that wants to go on. I would say at the moment its 80-20 death-living. Not great odds really is it?
So that has been my MHA and first 24 hours in hospital under section.
I will try and write quite often as I do find it quite therapeutic.