I've made it to 100 posts. I didn't actually think I would and to be honest I am not sure if I will make it to 200.
I started this blog as a diary. I have re read most of my posts recently and have found that where some things have changed, over all, I still feel the same.
I am still a bit all over the place at the moment and it has been like it for over a week now. I think to try and get my thoughts to slow down and for me to slow down I am going to have to ask my GP for drugs. I don't know if he will be able to give me anything. But it's worth trying. I have been on full speed now for over a week. I am struggling to concentrate on anything. I am trying to read other people's blogs and I can't. I seem to be going a million miles an hour.
The suicidal thoughts are still there. In one way it is better being like this as they come in and go very quickly as another thought will soon pop in and take over. It's hard work though. The way I have seen someone else describe it describes it perfectly for me.
Imagine you are in John Lewis on the 3rd floor in the TV and Audio department. You have about 100 different TVs and also 100 different CD/Audio players. Each one is playing a different thing. I am managing to hear each one at the same time. Each sound is crisp and clear.
When it is not like this the suicidal thoughts come and stay and is all I can concentrate on. Now I have so much going through that I don't have control.
I don't know what is going off in my head but it scares me.
I went a bit mad on the shopping over the weekend. I don't plan on taking any of it back and I plan on going to out of town Matalan tomorrow to get some tops. I am near by in the afternoon so I may as well right?
I've got quite a busy week this week. I am actually going to a psychiatric hospital tomorrow for work/placement. I am quite worried. In my stupid paranoid head I think everyone is in on the game and by people saying can I go as my views and experience will help it's really all just a ploy to get me to the hospital.
Yeh. I am mad!
I am trying to rationalise it all saying that if they are going to section me then they will just turn up with the police, restrain me and drag me there. Why would they go to all that effort? But. I can't help but still think these things and worry about them. So what can I do?
It gets harder and harder to rationalise with myself. I know I need to. I know I need to keep talking to myself to tell myself that is not how it works. I need to tell myself that I am not being followed, there are not hidden cameras in my house/car/room. The whole idea of it is preposterous. I mean I have worked in psych hospitals. I know they can't do that. But why the hell am I so paranoid about it? Why when I rationalise or try to there is still seeds of doubt that is going on. Also. If I am so paranoid...why is my blog a safe place where I can say what I want? A blog I have given electronic extracts to Sam of (and if you copy and paste it it comes up with the blog in it's full detail....yeh I didn't think that one out), a blog about 6 people other than me reads. Why can I still do that. Surly this would say a lot more than following me around. Yet why am I not paranoid about this? I am weird!
And yet. I can't say any of these thoughts to anyone as I am so scared about being sectioned.
Maybe I put too much trust in to my online diary and I should stop putting so much of myself in to it.
Maybe I will re-consider this whole thing. Yet rational me thinks who the hell is going to want to read about my shit.