Crap. Things have really gotten out of hand.
Last night I was arrested and placed under Section 136 of mental health act. Basically the police arrest people being a bit mental in public places. I'll start from the beginning.
I went out last night and got wasted. On the way home I was feeling rather suicidal and thought that the idea of jumping off a bridge was a good idea. I remember standing on the ledge and then sitting on the ground. I don't know who turned up first whether it was police or ambulance. I said I wasn't going anywhere but the made me get on the ambulance. They said I had to go to the ED to be assessed by crisis team. I was not happy but the police said I would be arrested and taken to 136 suite if I didn't go. So didn't leave me with much choice. I didn't realise the police were following in their car and I tried to get off ambulance while we were moving. I get to the ED and I don't want to go in. The paramedics were really nice to me saying I needed to speak to someone. I was panicking as I didn't want to wait in waiting room around other people so I was reluctant to go sign my self in at the desk. In the end I gave the paramedic my details and he did it for me. I was pacing around a bit as I was anxious. I was drunk but the reality of what was happening was setting in.They wouldn't let me go to the toilet which just pissed me off. The police were with me now. There was 3 of them. I made an attempt to go to the loo and they grabbed on to me and put my arm up my back restraining me and hurting me.
They transferred me to a cubicle and the police were in there with me. In my drunken state I thought I would be able to leave and they restrained me again...painfully. They finally let me go to the toilet but the police woman wouldn't close the door. So I had to pee and people could hear me. To be fair I have a history of locking my self in the toilet and self harming so that I could understand. Bitch nurse was on. She had a go at me asking what had happened, why I was back again, why I was messing up my own life and having a go about resources. OK, I was drunk and not exactly cooperative but there was no need for that. She doesn't know me, she doesn't know anything about me. She always calls me by the wrong name, it's similar but wrong and it drives me mad. She's dog ugly also and I really don't like her. She's a horrible, un-compassionate person.
Anyway, after a while the police changed over and they said I could go out for a cigarette. I was escorted out by the 2 of them and I was pacing around. I got all panicky again and said I didn't want to go back in and see crisis. That I wasn't a threat to myself as all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed. Next thing I know I am being handcuffed behind my back, painfully and restrained again. They then tell me I am being arrested under 136 MHA. I then said I would be willing to go back in to the ED. I was willing to see crisis team and basically begged them not to take me on 136. I tried arguing with them but they said I had had my chance. They had been with me a couple of hours already and I was resisting all the time. I told them they couldn't arrest me if I was willing to attend the ED as 136 is for people who are not willing. I was sat in the back of the car with my legs out. I refused to get in saying they had wrongfully arrested me as I was willing. I am not sure when it comes to absconding risk of they can arrest you even if you say you are willing. I need to look in to it more on that one. Not that I will be able to do anything now about it but still.
My problem with the 136 is that I have worked on the wards at that hospital and on 136 suite. I know a lot of the staff. So I was really panicking now. They wouldn't loosen the hand cuffs or bring them round to my front. I told them it was really hurting me but they couldn't care less. I can't see why they needed to be round my back as I was not being violent. Just argumentative and stupid really. The woman police officer was horrible. She was a nasty bitch also and had no understanding or compassion in regards to why I was feeling like I was. She had no interest at all. Was rude to me and even when I was polite to her she was arrogant and off.
So I was taken in to the suite in my local hospital. I knew the nurse on and the HCA. It was mortifying. Especially as I was in cuffs. I didn't want to be in the communal area at all and they let me into the room. I went to the loo and just collapsed in to the bathroom corner crying. The nurse came in and spoke to me. I said I would rather be in the cells at the local police station than there and asked if that was a possibility. The police man who was nice came in and explained that I had been removed from a public place to a place of safety and now I was in it they couldn't transfer me. I spoke to the nurse again and she knew who I was and explained that I couldn't be sent back down to the ED to see crisis team and they couldn't come there to assess me as now I had been arrested on a 136 (or detained as I hadn't actually committed a crime) I needed to have a full MHA assessment. I knew there was no way that I was going to be going home after a while. Having worked in that suite I know how long it takes for them to arrange doctors and social workers. You need to have three people present to do the MHA assessment and I had feelings that I would be there all day and more people would know about it. Especially as the nurse due on Sunday morning was one that I knew reasonably well.
She gave me the option of being transferred to another city to use their 136 suite. I only know one member of staff who works in that hospital so I thought my chances would be better going there. I was worrying about how much it would cost for me to get home and the nurse said if that was worrying me they would pay for it.
The police tried to talk me out of going saying it was not a nice place and that I wouldn't get a bed there like in my own hospital. I said I didn't care as no one would know me and they would at local hospital where I work. The police said I would have to wait a while as they were going to transfer me in the back of the van in the cage. I pleaded with them and said I hadn't been violent to them so why were they making me go in the cage. I felt like I was being punished and that I was a criminal. About 40minutes later we reached the other hospital. It was so cramped in the cage I practically flew out as soon as they opened the doors. I was met by another nurse and him and the police took me to their suite. It was a tiny place. Luckily they don't make you stay in the tiny room. It would be like a seclusion room. There was no window in there and it felt really claustrophobic. The nurse was lovely. He was really caring and asked me lots of questions and took an interest in me.He let me sit in the office area also. I think patients are allowed to use that area. But I wasn't exactly a risk to anyone. He even let me go out for a cigarette. It's technically not allowed on a 136 but he took me out with another member of staff. I was hardly going to out run two blokes who can restrain to get me back on to the ward/room.
Another nurse took over the shift. He was also really nice. He spent ages talking to me and asking me about everything what had led up to it. I told him quite a bit but I kept quite a bit hidden. I knew he was assessing me so I told him I have problems being honest when it comes to things like this as I don't want to end up in hospital. I told him why I thought I did what I did last night and how I was feeling. I talked a little about having a constant fight and how draining it was for me to do this and keep up an act to everyone else as I don't want people seeing me as vulnerable or weak. I also told him that even if I was making suicide plans that I wouldn't tell him as would stop me going ahead with it. I did tell him it was something I thought about a lot and ways in which I have considered but have not come to a definite plan of action.
So. being assessed my 2 doctors and a social worker. So in total there were 3 blokes a woman and me. I actually prefer men when it comes to things like this. I don't know why but I feel more at ease. It was the woman who was asking most the questions though. I was being really careful in what I was saying. I was conscious they were there to look whether or not to detain me. I had to be careful as I didn't really want to mention what I had told the nurse but at the same time I couldn't lie if I were asked a question about it.
They basically wanted to know what has been going on on to lead up to this event where I was considering jumping off a bridge. I was honest and said that I thought it was a mixture of impulsivity, what I have been saying to Sam in the last weeks and general stupidness. They asked me what I wanted. So I explained about wanting to go home but I wanted support in place. I explained how going in to hospital would be the end of my career and life as I would just give up and I would lose control. I said I was scared and I didn't really know what to do though.
They went away to deliberate on me. It was awful. And when they came back in it seemed an age before she got to the bit where she said they were happy to release me off the section.
It really scared me. The staff at other city hospital were fantastic. I said to the band 6 who was with me this morning that as nice as he was I wish I hadn't met him. Or if it was it was through different circumstances. He was really helpful with giving me reassurance in regards to the MHA assessment and I felt like he was taking my side. He said he didn't believe I should be in hospital as feels it would make things worse. So he was with me on that. He said also that he hoped to see me again but through work not my problems.
I feel so stupid, so humiliated, so let down with myself that I let things get to that stage.
So after 7 hours on other city 136 suite I was allowed to go. They even paid for my taxi home which would have cost me about 40quid.
I need to not binge drink like that. I am certain that alcohol led to my appalling behaviour and actions last night.