Sunday, 20 February 2011

Feeling Like Crap

I feel worse after last night. I feel really let down in my self. I am humiliated that I got myself in to a position like that. I don't know what I was thinking thinking I would win against 3 police officers.I am covered in bruises and I can't lift my arms up as of bruises and pain around my collar bone.

I really don't know what was going through my head. What was I thinking. I would never jump off a bridge. That's not my method. I don't have the balls to do that. My plan is to make it look like an accident and is as painless as possible. Not jumping off a bridge in to icy water. Brrrrrr!

I don't know what to do with myself today. I am irritated easily. I am feeling low. I feel that I humiliated myself. There is no way I can go back to work there now. Not for about a year at least. I have shot myself in the foot really. I had to be assessed by a city social worker. At least I didn't know him. But what's to say I may not come across him at some point in a professional capacity.

I keep saying to the professionals that I don't think hospital admission is a good idea as would make things worse for me. But would it. They are there to make things better and to make it so I don't self harm and am not able to. In terms of uni and the career side it would. It would mean that I don't graduate at the same time as my friends. I don't want to go through that again. It would mean people would know. Which is a bad thing. I don't want my family to know what is going through my head. I don't want them knowing that I am suicidal and that the self harm has got out of control. There is the stigma attached to it and the embarrassment that goes a long side it. But I also feel that they would not be very supportive. It would be thrown back in my face years down the line. They have already do that now with things. They are funny about me drinking because they think it's a problem as they blame the fact that I self harmed that occasion that they know about, on alcohol. So they are really funny about it. I get snide comments and remarks and it makes me feel like shit. So why should I tell them.

I struggled to articulate today why I didn't tell anyone about the self harm and my feelings. They didn't seem to understand. I say they I had the social worker, police doctor and psychiatrist all telling me I needed to talk to people about my emotions. It's just not going to happen. Then he was saying things like get a hobby. As if I have the time for that. All basic rudimentary stuff which I have heard before. Get a pet, well I've got a dog. Exercise, it doesn't lift my mood I have tried it before. And to be honest I don't have the motivation to get out and do it. It's true I don't have a support network as I don't talk to my friends or anyone about my feelings and what I am going through.

I feel so frustrated. I really don't know what I can do. I write to distract myself and it helps in me making sense of my thoughts etc. I don't see it as creative. I am not the creative type. Poetry - yeah right like I'm going to do that. Art - tssssk. After year 9 I didn't step foot in the art room again. I hate art, I can't do it. Groups - they hadn't read my history and none of them knew me or my history.

I am fed up. I am tired. I don't know what else I can do. Maybe hospital would actually help and I need to put my mental health before anything else like my career. I know I am going to attempt suicide again. I don't know if it will work. That person who doesn't care is getting a stronger and stronger hold over me. If people were to find out it would give me free reign on self harm, suicide attempts etc. I keep saying my worst nightmare is going in to hospital and I say to people it would make it worse. I am not so sure anymore. I need help dealing with this. I think I am going to ask for a CPN or something. Someone I can call when things are bad, someone I can go meet somewhere to access support. I feel I am relying too much on Sam. I freaked a bit when she said she was annual leave next week. She said I can still text her and email her if I am struggling but she is on annual leave. She deserves that time off and not have to deal with me. I thought about texting her today but I thought it's a Sunday morning. Really what is she going to be able to do. It's not fair to invade on her weekend. I need someone who I can speak to when I feel like I do now. Someone who I know who will give me support. I wont make use of crisis team as any dealings I have had with them before I have not really liked them. I seem to have found a couple of people who I can start to be honest with. Mike, he will only see me to assess me in the ED or on the ward to ensure that I am ok to go home. I have called him a couple of times and he has said that there is nothing his department can do. So I can't use him. It's just someone to talk to. To sound off on. Someone who is trained and can give relevant advice. I seem to find someone who I like and have seen a few times, begin to trust them and then rely on them. But these are the wrong people who I am getting attached to. They can't do anything regarding my care.

I want someone I can talk to, who I can be honest with, who I wont scare by telling them all I think about is suicide and that I wont feel bad offloading on. Someone who is not personally worried about me. Who has heard what I am saying or similar things before and is not personally effected by what I say. Someone who is being paid to do a job of being supportive. Then I wont feel bad. I think it's something to raise with the Dr T tomorrow.

I am dreading the appointment. He is going to ask me what has happened since I last saw him. I am going to have to tell him about the suicide attempt in hospital. I am going to have to tell him about being detained on a 136. I wish I wasn't this person. I am not a person who self harms I am a self harmer. It has taken over my life. Suicide has taken over. I don't want to be this person.

No comments: