I wrote the following while I was in hospital. I wrote a bit so will post on separate blogs...
As I write this I am stuck on a horrible ward with my leg being infected. I have been going mad and am going mad now. I shall start from the beginning. I think I am going to have to split this. But I am writing it in word while in hospital and I will upload it once I get home.
On Wednesday evening I became quite unwell feeling sick and having a bad stomach. I also noticed that my leg smelt horrible and was oozing through the dressings. I was just putting one on top of the other and it was still seeping through. I saw Sam Wednesday night and she advised me to go back to A+E if I felt unwell. The consultant had also said that from A+E but I was putting it off thinking well I am going back on Friday so it can wait until then. However, Thursday I felt no better and thought well I am going to have to go back really. So I drove across and thought I would be a couple of hours and parked up and didn’t pay as I never do at the hospital. So went to A+E and was seen by triage straight away. Obs were taken and they were normal except my pulse which was 120bpm. So I was put in waiting room and was seen quite quickly by the nurse. I stripped off climbed on to the bed and pulled the dressings off. It was disgusting. Was horrible. I felt sick. Well I was already but it just made it worse. She looked and said she wasn’t going to do anything but get the senior doctor as I had seen a senior before.
So I waited about 1.5 hours for the doc to come. He was quite cute actually. I hate it when you get a cute doctor and 1) you self harm so they form a bad opinion of you and 2) you only have a top and knickers on. Not the best place to meet cute docs. Anyway, he looked and he looked through my notes and said that needed to look at admission as had already had treatment for it and the infection hadn’t cleared up. I suppose I neglected to tell him as part of my on-going self harm I wasn’t taking the antibiotics properly. They make me ill and I suppose I was hoping for blood poisoning and death but quickly. But no. I know… I am rather crazy.
I got quite upset my main worry being that I would have to tell my parents I was in hospital. I didn’t know what I was going to tell them. The medical student (who was also a fittie but probably too young) suggested I tell them I had a UTI and needed antibiotics through an IV. So that’s what I told them.
I had to have the stiches removed from the wounds. Yet it was too painful. So I got to have gas and air. Now to be fair I could have bared it as there were only 5 stitches that needed to come out. It was painful.Very painful. But I had gas and air last time they stitched me up a couple of times. Now I wouldn’t want to have only that in labour as you can still feel the pain. But wow. It’s like you are really pissed and everything seems so far away. You think like you are pissed and you probably act like it. I think like I am pissed when I am on it. It’s quite funny. It does still hurt but it makes you care less. No hang over and as soon as you stop breathing it after about 20 seconds it all goes. I had it taken off me in the end as she had stopped taking the stiches out and I was still puffing away. Free drugs and highs on NHS. I love the NHS!!!!!!
So bloods were taken and I was moved up to the AMU ward.
I have been there plenty of times and one of the nurses even said “hello (insert name) what have you done now”? It was in a jokey way and she was really nice to me last time I was in and it wasn’t in a condescending horrible way. She was lovely. Last time I was in after an OD I couldn't even stand up. She helped me go to the toilet and get dressed as I was so out of it. And she was so nice all the way through. Some nurses are just so rude and business like with you but she isn't. While she was admitting me a couple of weeks ago she was holding my hand and just being really nice and supportive.
In the mean time before going up to the ward I had told my parents I had a UTI and so they brought me in some clothes etc. I explained to the ward staff that I didn’t want anything discussing with anyone that any medical information wasn’t to be shared with anyone like my family as I had lied about why I was there. The HCA who booked me in asked me about my self harm and suicidal thoughts. I think he was asking out of interest but I don’t know. He asked how often I got them and I said all the time. I explained to him it wasn’t something that went away and I was always thinking about death and self harm and planning when, where and how. That most the time I could distract myself with things and they didn’t bother me but sometimes it became too much and that was when I self harm or attempted. Then he said as I was feeling the way I was they would need to get the dept. that Mike works in aka Nurseman (who I refer to him as on SF). Then they went on to tell me that I was not able to leave the ward until I have seen that dept. I kicked up a fuss saying that I knew they wouldn’t see me until I was medically fit which I didn’t know how long that would be. It could have been anything from a couple of days to unlimited like when I was back in hospital in July after the motorbike accident. I said I had seen them numerous times and I had been on the ward numerous times after self harming and attempts yet I had always shown wiling and come back after going off the ward and it had never been a problem. After a few hours I did see a Doc and he agreed I needed to be on IV antibiotics. And that I was allowed off the ward. Yay cigarette time!
So Thursday night was pretty uneventful. I was pretty ill but nothing really happened. The same on Friday. I saw a doc and was under the impression that I would be going home on the Saturday. I was told on Friday that as wasn’t a new self harm or attempt that I wouldn’t need to be seen by psych medicine (PM from now). I had actually psyched myself up for seeing them thinking about what I would say and what would happen. I was also struggling with my thoughts and distraction methods. Usually I will go out, write my blog, go on the internet, and watch TV. Anything that doesn’t require too much attention at first. I only had books and my iPod. I couldn’t really read as I needed to concentrate. And the music which usually helps was not working. I usually use music when I am doing something else like driving so I can sing really loudly etc. You can’t really do that on a ward. I don’t think it would have been appreciated. I had asked for some diazepam in the morning yet they were saying that they didn’t have any on the ward. I had been prescribed it by the doc. I love junior docs at times. At times not also…like when the F2 stitched up my leg a couple of weeks ago. But you can manipulate them in to prescribing what you want. So I said I was given Diazepam as PRN insinuating that it was something I always had at home. In reality I think I have only been given it on prescription a couple of times. Any way I was really struggling. Really wanting to SH. I left the ward to go for a cig and I was desperate. I picked up a paper clip off the floor. I tried to cut with it but it wasn’t sharp enough. I felt so angry. At myself and also at the fact that I couldn’t cut. So I actually decided I was going to have to call crisis team. I couldn’t distract myself and I knew I would end up doing something. So I got their number went off ward and tried calling. It wouldn’t connect. After all that psyching myself up and going through all the thought processes I had I knew I needed to speak to someone. After a while I went back to the ward. I had had some diazepam at about 6 but it hadn’t touched how I was feeling. It was about 12ish and I asked to speak to the nurse on the ward. I explained to her that I had tried to call crisis team as I was really struggling with the thoughts going through my head and I wasn’t able to distract myself. I said it would be really helpful to speak to someone from PM as I couldn’t speak to crisis. She came back to me about 40 minutes later saying she had found a bed for me on another ward. I think she thought as I was on an AMU ward that was busy I was being affected by that. Ok the person next to me was actually quite scary shouting at me and staring at me.
It’s weird. I work in mental health yet this woman was actually bothering me. I think it’s because I am not mentally stable at the moment and I wasn’t very well either. So at about 1am I left the AMU and was transferred to another ward.
Straight away I had a bad feeling about the ward. I don’t know what it was, it was the middle of the night but I just didn’t feel right about being moved. So that started the thoughts off even more. The nurse had left all my meds on my table. I considered just taking them all. But then I thought, “really what are 14 Mirtazapine and 28g of antibiotic going to do? Just make me sick”. So I had a better idea. The cannula! It goes straight in to the vein and keeps it open. I could bleed to death. And, it would be painless, quiet, I would just go to sleep and it would also look like an accident. I went in to the loo and tested my theory out. Sure enough it bled when removed the stopped. So I got in to bed. Turned my back to the corridor and pulled the end off. I put my iPod in. And drifted off. I felt my side get wet so I knew it was working. I started spinning also. I drifted off to sleep, or I think I passed out as I don’t think I would have been able to sleep knowing what I was doing. I had a few weird dreams. Come 6.30am I was being shaken by about 3 nurses shouting my name at me over and over again. They had come round to do tea and coffee (I’ll get to that in a bit) and had seen all the blood. I was being shouted at. I could hear them but I couldn’t quite wake up. I knew with them shouting at me that I hadn’t been successful. I could hear everything going on around me but I couldn’t wake enough. I was sort of pulled out the bed and on to the chair. They asked me why I had taken the end off which I denied. I was told to go get showered as I was covered in blood and left to it. My BP was quite low I think about 80/50. So think I lost a fair bit of blood. I think the blood congealed and stopped more coming out. So I didn’t get my way. I felt quite out of it. I went and got washed up, changed and got back in to bed and went back to sleep. I was woken again at 11ish by the nurse telling me I needed to drink something as BP was still low and I said I would but couldn’t face it. I was quite out of it. Went back to sleep and woke again at about 2ish. Nothing more was said. I was stupid really. I never thought how it would affect the other ladies on the ward. They don’t know it was on purpose. They said I gave them a scare as they said they spent ages trying to wake me and they struggled to wake me. I was still really disappointed that it didn’t work as really thought it would. It was too good to be true really. Maybe take a few aspirin next time so it doesn’t clot. Bloody hell the cogs are going now.
I thought I would be going home on Saturday but one of the nurses said she wasn’t able to get docs to come see me. So prepare myself for staying in. Saturday night was uneventful. I was told by nurse she had made referral to PM and they would come see me Sunday (today). I say uneventful. I have this thing about one of the nurses. I feel she has a massive attitude problem. I went off ward for cig and I was gone about an hour. I was talking to some people downstairs (these people will be covered in another blood) while having a cig and I didn’t really want to be on the ward and just wanted to take some time away. It annoys me.
Anyway. I came back on to the ward and I heard her really loudly say when I came back “that’s it, no one else is going off the ward now”. I thought how dare she. It is not a psychiatric ward. I am not going to do a runner. Surly I have shown that. It is an ADULT medical ward. ADULT. If I am allowed to go off during the day then what difference does it make if I want to go off at night. I am an adult. I can look after myself. It’s awful. I asked for some diazepam as I was wound up ( I know it seems like a small thing to get worked up about but as I said I am not very well so things are getting to me more than they usually would.). Before I went off the ward I said to one of the HCA’s can you ask the nurse when she does meds to get me some paracetamol, cyclazine and diazepam. She said sure she would ask. I got back and one of the ladies in my bay said the nurse has put your usual meds there if there is anything else then you need to ask. So I did. I then over heard the nurse saying “oh well, she should have been on ward when I was doing meds” and then came over in a massive huff as she got the meds out. Now with PRN I ask for it as when I need it. OK, I did ask for it before meds as I wanted it to help me sleep. But it is PRN. It’s the same with pain medication. It’s PRN. I don’t know if I am going to need it at 6pm when meds are dished out. I felt as though I had really inconvenienced her. The thing is she was just sat there gossiping when I came back. I know people say nurses do that. It really annoys me when they say that as I know nurses work really hard. But I knew she was sat there gossiping as I could hear what she was talking about. And she wasn’t doing paperwork or on a computer at the time. I know people are entitled to breaks and a couple of minutes rest but you don’t expect the attitude. I was really pissed off at her.
So Sunday. I was woken at 8ish by a nurse telling me to sit up and take meds. I asked for another diazepam. I wanted more sleep I woke up pissed off. So I went and got showered went for a cig. Came back to the ward and got back in bed. I was woken at 10 by the doctor. Yes the Doctor. So I was excited thinking “Yay, I’m going home”. He looked at my leg. And then said you are staying. And you are going back on IV’s. They had taken me off them yesterday when they took the cannula out and put me on oral. He then said he was going to refer me to plastics. The wound on my calf is still very infected and it’s not healing. Then he brought a nurse in and she said going to refer me to tissue viability. She has put the referral in but doesn’t know how long it will be before they can come see me. I think I will be in until they see me. I thought it would be tomorrow but she said could be longer as they are a busy team. I really don’t know what they will do. I am quite worried to be honest. I am worried they will want to operate to clean the infection out properly. If they do then I will have to come clean to the family about why I am really in hospital. I don’t like being here and lying to them. I have the feeling they know I am lying also. I have just said they are waiting for normal bloods and my stomach to stop being so dam pathetic and not wanting anything inside it. Although I have been able to take Imodium I have had a few problems. I hate telling lies. I lose track of what I have said and so it worries me I will get caught out.
Another nap. I wake up at about 4ish to see they have put another grave dodger next to me. She makes weird noises and is really annoying. According to the other ladies in my bay they have said at night she starts shouting. She was in a side room but has been moved back here on to my bay. I feel awful. I don’t have any patience for anyone at the moment. I feel quite bad how I am thinking about others. I just don’t have patience at all. I am not looking forward to tonight at all. The next blog details what happened next and my thoughts on hospital.