Dr T said something the other day that has really made me think things over. He said I come to him saying I want help yet when I need it the most it's when I don't approach anyone. So what is it?
Is it that I think I can deal with it on my own?
A lot of the time yeah. I come on here, I post on SF, I do what I can to deal with it on my own.
Is it that at those times I don't want help?
Yeah, this is true also. If I have made a decision to SH, OD, or attempt I don't tell anyone. I keep it to myself. Why? Well fear of being stopped. I am stubborn! If I have made my mind up about something then it is set on it. How is telling Crisis or what ever going to make any difference if I have already made up my mind. So when I have already made up my mind I suppose I don't actually want the help.
Is it because I am worried about how I am viewed?
Working in Psychiatry I have worked with a lot of people who self harm. What I never understood about these people was if they really wanted to self harm that badly why did they tell me. I wasn't going to let them, I would ensure that they weren't able to by removing items which they could harm with. Or by suggesting to the nurse in charge that they go in to strong bedding. I found a lot of the time people who told me this were just attention seeking and wanted me to feed in to it. I had it quite a lot working on the bank/agency for NHSP where patients would approach me as they thought I was new and inexperienced and tell me. OK, fair enough there are people out there who have the urges to self harm and they don't want to and they are worried so they tell someone, but the horrible truth is that these people are few and far between. So I worry. I worry if I was to call crisis team and say I am having these thoughts to self harm etc they would not take me seriously and think I was seeking attention. I have enough attention thank you very much and would actually quite liked to be left alone.
Am I scared?
Quite frankly YES! I am terrified. I am frightened. I had a taste of what being sectioned was like. And that was tame. I know what psychiatric wards can be like. They are not nice places. They are noisy. They busy. You are surrounded by mad people. And that's just the staff!!!!! Where I was on the 136 suite was me and one nurse in a room for 8 hours. I had someone there if I needed them. And I did. I was terrified of being left on my own. I was on high observations as standard when you are on 136. But that taste has scared me. I can't fault the staff. I thought both nurses as Different City Hospital were amazing. I said that to them. I said it's been really nice meeting you, you have excellent staff here but I would have rather have never met you and I hope to never meet you again...he then jokingly asked if I wanted a shift for that night as someone had called in sick! The nurse at Local Hospital was nice also. She could see I was upset and she made sure I was ok. She knew I had been staff and she made sure that I could go somewhere else and in my worrying about getting home from there told me not to worry and they would pay for the taxi. The staff at Different City Hospital said I was lucky as they usually make people get the bus!
I am scared that if I really tell them how I am feeling then they will end up putting me in hospital. I am so scared my career would be affected as that is the only thing that is going sort of positively for me at the moment. But, I think I am putting too much emphasis on that. I am putting too much hope in to that one thing. What if I encounter problems and it all comes crashing down. Then what do I have?
I also feel that maybe I should be in hospital. I am not going to tell them that. I keep my thoughts to myself. I don't want to be there. I am scared. I am embarrassed. I keep so much to myself that I am sure if I told them everything about my thoughts, my feelings, the smells, the voices, the extreme paranoia (at times) and everything else they would have me on a section 2 as quick as anything. The thing is I know how to work the system. I know what to say. I know how to avoid it.
I know when I am not in Crisis mode that I need help. I am able to go to the doctors and say I need this this and that. When I am in that mode I can't do anything. I want help now. I don't want help then. I have gone past that. But I would say it's mainly fear.
I am getting better with Sam. I am less paranoid about telling her things now as I know she is there to listen and help me. She is not one of these people who sits there quietly, she gets angry for me, she is not a "ummmmm, ahhhhhhhh, how does that make you feel? That must be really hard for you"? I feel like she is on my side. I feel the others aren't. I feel they are gathering evidence to put me in hospital. Sam is helping me avoid it.
Yeah, so I guess I am scared. Terrified is more like it. So what do I do?
I had an appealing thought today and it was stupid. I thought why not run away, become an alcoholic and just not care anymore. Drink so I don't care. I think I care too much at the moment.
(I don't think I could become an alcoholic though as my hangovers are getting worse in old age and I am quite particular about what I drink....I am rather picky)!