There are two different people. These two people are constantly fighting with each other. It worries me how different the people are and how much conflict there is. I worry about how much longer it will be before I can't control and fight the side that is sinking deeper and deeper.
There is one person who is career minded. Wants to do well at uni, in placement. She hides the other person quite well. To most people they wouldn't know that there is this constant fight. That there is battles every day. She can hide the scars and has a reason/excuse for most things. She tries to keep track of the web of lies about where she has been when having been in A+E or not in for the night as have been somewhere else. This person does not want anyone knowing what is going on. She doesn't show anger/stress and deals with it. She doesn't get in to a flap about things as there is no point. After all where will this get her. This person is bright and bubbly . This is the outside person.
The other one. Well, she's in a mess. She wants to take over. She doesn't care. She wants to end everything. She thinks why is she bothering with uni when she knows that she wont be around to see the career. This person self harms. Why? She doesn't really know. She cuts, she lets, she occasionally drinks in excess which makes her pass out. Although that has stopped now she is getting 2 day hangovers. Is that age or medication for PCOS? She doesn't think letting it as bad as the cutting. It's not like she has to get medical treatment for it like when she cuts. She doesn't have to deal with the ED, doesn't have to go through yet another assessment from Psych Med. No ones knows. They don't have the evidence of this like when she cuts. It's something she can keep more hidden.
This is the person who has on loop in their head plans of death and ways in which it can be achieved. She considers different scenarios. How will they play out? If she took this this and this together would they work. She reads a story in the paper about a famous person dying through an overdose. She wonders what it was and how she can get her hands on it. She spends ages on the internet looking up medications, vitamins and how they would affect her if she was to OD. She struggles to cross the road because the temptation is there. She controls it somewhat in not taking every small opportunity. She is saving it. She is selfish but at the same time thinks that she doesn't want someone else to blame themselves. She knows if someone jumped in front of her while she was driving how it would cause her to blame her self in someway. And, not just the blame if it was unavoidable but the feelings of anger and resentment towards the person who chose her car to jump in front of. She looks for ways so that it would look like an accident. No one needs to know it was suicide. Her family would feel worse and blame themselves that they didn't notice, that they didn't see it coming.
This person has irrational thoughts. Has paranoia attacks. Has hidden in a wardrobe before because she was convinced the person knocking on the door was going to come in and take her away. She has been at work on the wards when she was having delusional thoughts that she wasn't really staff and that she was a patient and the doctor was assessing her. Not the person she was observing. Has been manic. She struggles to concentrate on one thing as everything is going so fast, is hyperactive; she can't sit down for more than a minute without having to do something (at least her room is spotless when this is the case), she doesn't sleep; she will get by on about 3-4 hours, she doesn't stop talking. Part of this is fear that people will realise something is wrong so she talks at them.
Sometimes this person is the stronger of the two and there will be hospital admissions, more lies, more excuses, questions to be answered. What are the ramifications for this person winning the fight. At the time they feel great. They have won. The self harming makes them feel better. It's a release, an escape, a euphoric feeling. It's after that it's when it's bad. The infections, the questions. The questions!!!! Trying not to give too much away. Person number one is fighting back. Wanting to regain control. Wanting to ensure that the career is not effected. So she starts lying. She worked out what the people wanted to hear a long time ago. She knows what to say to people to avoid any further action. "I regret it, I no longer want to die, I wasn't planning it, it just happened, I'm getting support so that it won't happen again".
Then there is me.
I am trying to resolve the conflict between these two people. It is me that goes to the counsellor, to the psychiatrist, who is trying to get help. I feel that there may come a time where I can not resolve the conflict anymore and all my crazy is going to spill out. I know when one is stronger than the other and I try to do things that will quieten person number 2 down. I want person number one to win. I want to stop the fighting. It's so bloody draining. I am scared. I am confused. I am tired. I don't know how much longer that this is going to go on for. How much longer can I support number 1 before number 2 becomes dominant and has more strength than any of us. There are times when she is. But it's usually short lived as I can bring out number 1 to be more dominant. What if I can't? What happens then?