Managing.

My two worlds collided on Thursday and it was awful. I had to take a client to the ED and it was less than a week since I had been there with a possey of police for company. The triage nurse (who is rather cute) and I are on first name terms I have seen him that often. He was walking over to my client and noticed me and just looked really puzzled. I got anything else in before he could and said I was the support worker. He quietly spoke to me while my client was ahead while we were walking to the room for her to be assessed. He checked out I was ok, and asked how I'd been. I mentioned last Saturday and he said that he hoped things would look up for me soon. Anyway, was with her and I was getting every one staring at me. I was anxious enough as it was. Nasty nurse was on the night shift. I could hear her going on and on about general crap. She kept looking at me. I am surprised she didn't take the opportunity to come and have a go at me like she did last time considering I was stone cold sober and she is a nasty cow with no compassion or understanding. One of the things she said to me last week was "I thought you were going to get your life sorted out and stop being so stupid". I mean come on. She does not know the first thing about me. She doesn't know why I cut, self harm, attempt. What does she know. All she sees is another person who needs to be stitched.

My client had to be seen by Psych Medicine. I was dreading that. I was worried it would be Nurseman Mike or someone else that I knew. So I was freaking about that. The thing is I didn't have to be there. It was beyond my role. But I couldn't just leave my client there not knowing if she would be able to get home. She was a vulnerable lady with psychiatric problems, I couldn't leave thinking that they may make her get the bus in to town and out again at 11pm on a Thursday night. I had brought her down to the ED I couldn't just leave her. So, me having morals etc put me in a position where my two worlds collided.

I don't know if I am ready to be doing this. I am having near panic attacks when I see someone I know or when I have been somewhere I have been before. I am dealing with it though. Technically, I could have just dropped her off at the ED, said something to Triage nurse and left. She would have no longer have been my responsibility. I wouldn't have had to put myself through nearly 6 hours of hell. But I felt I had a responsibility towards her and although I could have done that, and according to the organisation I am in should have done that. I couldn't. So even though I am in a bit of a mess at the moment it goes to show that I am not neglecting my role and I am managing ok.

I am in a bit of a state at the moment. I am battling the urges. I am fighting and fighting to keep this other person away. I am actually beginning to think I am actually 2/3 different people. That rather than just being something I have done it's deeper than that. My thoughts are scaring me. I know I should be calling crisis team but I would rather  be dealing with it on my own. I don't want more people involved. More people asking what's going on.

I have an appointment with Sam on Wednesday at least so I can go through everything with her then. I wasn't going to text her or bother her while she was on annual leave. I will manage without.

At least I am back at placement tomorrow so I have that to concentrate on. Once I have a few more stories I will write a bit more about what I am doing. It's really interesting and I really like it.

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