I procrastinate over everything. I have not done any uni work this week. I should be doing some every day. If it didn't matter to me I could understand why I am doing it but it does matter. But then I think well I am probably going to try and kill myself come the end of July so why bother.
I also put off thinking about what I should be doing. Like when I have appointments with Sam she asks me what thought I have put in to what we discussed in the previous session. I don't tend to think about things that much outside of the sessions. I don't want to. I know I write it on here but then I write it and I file it away. I don't dwell on it. Maybe I should be doing. Maybe I should be looking at it in a homework way. But I don't have the time. I don't really want to be thinking about it.
I took my nephew out for a bit earlier. He is only 2. We only went to the opticians and supermarket but weirdly he seemed to enjoy himself and I only had to deal with one tantrum which I ignored. So I am taking him out again tomorrow. But, tomorrow is a spoiling him day. It was his birthday at the beginning of April and I was supposed to take him out on the day of the Royal wedding but I was in a plaster cast so I couldn't. So I am taking him out and spoiling him for the day. What he wants (within reason) he can have. It did make me feel a bit happier taking him out. And he is that cute that I love parading him. I don't think I am being biased but he is gorgeous. He has almost white wavy hair and he is so pretty. People may say to me think about your nephews if you do kill yourself. The way I feel though is that they are both so young still they will never remember me. So if I am going to, do it soon whilst I am not remembered.
I realise I probably sound a bit stupid saying this. I realise I am not looking at the bigger picture but sometimes what is right in front of my eyes is all that matters. I know what I would be saying to someone who was saying the same things as I am. But, even when I challenge myself on my thoughts, I ignore it.
I have this operation next week. I hope that I have some reaction to the anaesthetic and I can just disappear without it hurting, without any bravery from me. I think it's possibly the reason why I haven't managed to succeed yet is because I am not brave enough. I can't handle pain either. And what is there after death. Is there reincarnation, an afterlife, heaven, hell. What is there? I quite like the reincarnation idea. I like the Hindu Caste idea but then surly if I took my own life it would mean I have less in the next life?
Or is there nothing? I don't think that's the case. There are too many stories about ghosts that seem plausible. And, stupid as it sounds I think my Nan comes to me in my dreams. I dream about her quite a bit and often she is giving me a hug, or straight talking to me. 11 years on and I still miss her so much that when I think about her I start to cry. There's a song by Robbie Williams called Nan's Song which is a song about his Nan and I feel that way also. Obviously the first bit is his idea of a laugh but bear with it. I love Robbie. I realised the other day I have been a fan of his for more than half of my life. That's dedication. I know all the words to his songs, I own all the albums and I have a massive crush on him. I didn't like him in Take That the first time round. I was more of a Mark fan. Although looking at them now Mark is an ugly little scrote and the others are the ones that are nice. Even Gary Barlow isn't that bad! OK went a bit off topic there.
If there is such thing as ghosts and I have the option to come back as one. I am so doing it. There are so many people I would love to mess with. Not in a poltergeist way, but a "am I going mad, I am sure I didn't put that there" kind of way. It would be ace.
On topic of ghosts. When I worked in my first psychiatric unit there were some odd things going off. First off the unit was built on the grounds of an old nursing home. The nursing home was demolished and that built in it's place. Also, the road in which is was on is legendary in my city as there being the a ghost that appeared in people's mirrors as they were driving. When driving to and from work on that 2 minutes it took me to drive up that dark, windy road I never looked in my mirror as I was shit scared. So many people had said they had seen things.
Anyway. I was on high obs of a patient ( who was sleeping and we were line of sight) with a member of staff who didn't usually work on my ward. We were chatting and we found out she lived really near me and she didn't drive. So I offered her a lift home from work. I said to her I'll meet you in the staff canteen after. And she turns round and says really quite sharply "I'm not meeting you in there". OK, I was thinking, a bit rude. So I asked her to meet me in reception "no, I am not meeting you in there either, I'll meet you outside". She looked at me and could tell by my expression that I was kind of puzzled. She then turned round to me and said "I'm not being funny but this place is haunted and I can see them. It's some weird thing I have and they talk to me and here it freaks me out". Well by this I was thinking that she needed a bed.
I left it at that and gave her a lift home. A couple of days later I was talking about it with another member of staff and not naming her had said what she had said and then made a comment about needing to be more worried about the staff than patients. He then seriously said to me that he wasn't surprised as a couple members of staff had reported seeing things. Patients had also, but I think it wasn't taken seriously and was put down to hallucinations. We never discussed it in front of patients so there was no way they could have caught on.
So it kind of freaked me out working there. And night shifts when you walked to corridors on your own were the worst.
This girl I did actually become quite close to and we regularaly used to get drunk together after shifts and bitch about the shift and the place we worked in. She told me more and more about this thing that she had. At first I was kind of freaked out by it, especially when she said I had a resident ghost in my spare room. After a while I relaxed by it and named my ghost Edith. And when I was drunk I used to talk to her. Maybe I was taken in by it all. But. There are so many people that say they can see and hear things that surely there is something?
And what about 6th senses? Apparently in my family there are some people with a 6th sense. My Nan used to be able to mix all her records up then randomly select one with her eyes closed and name what it was. My thing is that I dream of places before I have been there. I am not in touch with it enough that I can dream and then say right ok, this is going to happen and this will be the scenario but I have often been in a new situation and known that I had been there before. Just small things like a pathway in a hotel grounds or something small and insignificant like that.
I'm going to stop now. Perhaps I am delusional? Lol. But one thing is I have bloody scared myself.
Good night world.
x
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Something That Has Been Annoying Me...
I am quite upset with one of my friends. Seems as though she has organised a birthday weekend away with all my other friends and I have not been invited. I am actually quite hurt by it. I always try to think the best of people and think that maybe she thinks that with me having broken my ankle I am still in cast and therefore wouldn't be able to make it. But even if that were the case it would have been nice to have been asked. Especially as I think I am the only one out of the group not going.
I've not mentioned it to anyone else, but it really has been playing on my mind. I am upset by it. Also I blame myself. Last time I went out with her I did get very drunk and fall over and break something. She probably just thinks I am a liability which could ruin her night. So on top of being hurt by it all at not being asked I blame myself for it also.
I have written about friends before. I would say that I am the one who has to initiate contact with all but a couple of my friends. Those in the same group would never contact me to see how I am, or what's going on. I am the one who always calls or texts. A couple of years ago I decided I had had enough and I stopped contacting any of them. It was over a year before I made contact again. And truth be told I only re made contact as Gom had said he wanted to break up and I needed people around me. I thought I need people to go out with now. So when Gom initially said he wanted to break up in the September I then got in contact with 2 of them and made it out to be all me that had decided not to be in contact etc and that was cos of stuff going on.
I do care about Raq. But even she will not be one to make contact with me. I was in hospital for 4 nights and the only people that came to see me were my mum and my brother. They all knew where I was. The same when I was housebound for the week after. No one bothered to come see me. I don't even think I got any messages.
It really does make me think why I bother. What am I getting out of these so called friendships? But then what do I give. No one contacts me and they are all closer to another so it's not as though I can give advice or be a good friend really. I think about friends and I feel that I don't have anyone I could be totally honest with. I don't have a "best friend" and there is no one I would call when I am having a crisis. I go straight to my brother.
Is it me? What do I need to do? I try and keep in contact by calling and texting but I don't get replies. I am not exactly a ball of laughs to be around but wouldn't a true friend want to be with you anyway?
I feel as though I am growing away from them. Should I embrace that or should I work even harder?
I've not mentioned it to anyone else, but it really has been playing on my mind. I am upset by it. Also I blame myself. Last time I went out with her I did get very drunk and fall over and break something. She probably just thinks I am a liability which could ruin her night. So on top of being hurt by it all at not being asked I blame myself for it also.
I have written about friends before. I would say that I am the one who has to initiate contact with all but a couple of my friends. Those in the same group would never contact me to see how I am, or what's going on. I am the one who always calls or texts. A couple of years ago I decided I had had enough and I stopped contacting any of them. It was over a year before I made contact again. And truth be told I only re made contact as Gom had said he wanted to break up and I needed people around me. I thought I need people to go out with now. So when Gom initially said he wanted to break up in the September I then got in contact with 2 of them and made it out to be all me that had decided not to be in contact etc and that was cos of stuff going on.
I do care about Raq. But even she will not be one to make contact with me. I was in hospital for 4 nights and the only people that came to see me were my mum and my brother. They all knew where I was. The same when I was housebound for the week after. No one bothered to come see me. I don't even think I got any messages.
It really does make me think why I bother. What am I getting out of these so called friendships? But then what do I give. No one contacts me and they are all closer to another so it's not as though I can give advice or be a good friend really. I think about friends and I feel that I don't have anyone I could be totally honest with. I don't have a "best friend" and there is no one I would call when I am having a crisis. I go straight to my brother.
Is it me? What do I need to do? I try and keep in contact by calling and texting but I don't get replies. I am not exactly a ball of laughs to be around but wouldn't a true friend want to be with you anyway?
I feel as though I am growing away from them. Should I embrace that or should I work even harder?
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Don't Know Whether or Not to Carry On?
So, another appointment with Sam. It's given me alot to think about. I have not liked the last 2 appointments at all. She is now wanting answers. I can't provide them. We talked about the first time I self harmed and why. I said it was impulsive but I was incredibly angry and it was a way of internalising that anger. But now, it's different. It's not about internalising my emotions. She asked me what is was about and I said I didn't know. And I don't.
She kept talking about this 10 minute rule thing and how I should give it ago. I don't want to. Basically the way I feel is that the letting is not an issue to me. It's something I do. Like I smoke. I don't want to give up smoking even though other people tell me I should. I know it's not good for my health but if someone told me to not smoke and I wanted to then I would just smoke. You have to want it yourself to stop. Telling a smoker to cut down or try and stop smoking when they don't want to is not going to be successful, Nor are they going to be able or want to come up with reasons why they smoke and how they should go about stopping if they don't want to stop. I used this analogy with Sam and she said she understood where I was coming from but no one was asking me to stop but to analyse what my feelings and thoughts are should I not be able to self harm. I said to her that I don't see this as a problem. Cutting I see as a problem, not letting. Letting I see as something that stops me from cutting. Should I not let, I believe that I will start cutting again. I don't want to be cutting. I am covered in enough scars!
I said I was reluctant to when I didn't see it as a problem and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stop. What I get from it is more than anything else in my life. When I know that I am going to do it I feel excited. Even if it is a few hours later the feeling I have when I decide I am going to do it is excitement. When I do it, I feel euphoria. Putting it off is just putting off something I am excited about. So it builds until I struggle to contain it. Say for example you have an event that you are excited about, a party, your birthday, a night out. You feel a good excitement don't you? Not nerves. Then as it gets closer you get more and more excited. If that event was then put off how would you feel? But you know it's still going to happen? I dunno, I am really struggling to articulate how it makes me feel. I think I self harm because I want to. Not because I need to. I am not punishing myself, I am not releasing emotions. I am doing it because I enjoy it. Maybe possibly I have some weird curious thing about the human body. I know I am curious about just how much the human body can take. Am I my own lab rat?
If someone told you that you should stop doing something that you enjoyed doing, that wasn't causing anyone else any trouble, and you didn't want to stop doing it. And, they wanted you to look at your thoughts and feelings about why you do it. Would you be a willing person?
We also had the no one is forcing you to come here talk. She asked me why I come to therapy if self harming was something I didn't want to stop. First off I said it was useful to have someone who wasn't phased by stuff that I said and to have a sounding board to bounce off. Also she gives me quite a lot of reassurance in things. Like if I say I am feeling one way about something which I am not sure is the right way to feel, or feel bad for voicing it.
For Example I didn't want my Nanna to die just before Xmas as it would taint Xmas every year. My other Nan did die just before Xmas. However, we have a way of dealing with it. We don't take our feelings out on everyone else and we just don't really get in the Xmas mood until after her anniversary. But after the anniversary we kind of get on with it. If my Nanna my Dad's Mum died just before Xmas, Xmas would have been a miserable affair for ever more as of the way my Dad would have dealt with it. I am not close to my Dad's mum, and to be honest, she has dementia and a whole other heap of old age related illnesses. She doesn't know anyone and really is just a shell that has a heart beat. So in a way I feel that it would be kinder for her to be left to die. What kind of life is that? Anyway, all that is another topic along with religion which I wont get on to as it's messy.
Anyway, I could never have said I hope that she holds on a couple more months just so Xmas isn't ruined each year to anyone. But I did say it to Sam and she said it was normal to think like that and was not unusual that I didn't want Xmas ruined for everyone. Please don't send me loads of hate comments now.
So I explained that it was nice to have that someone I feel I can be more honest with. Someone to listen and reassure me. I go to counselling so I can speak to someone where I am normal. Does that make sense?
So we talked more about why I was there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to address everything. Sam said it was a busy time for me and I am dealing with a lot anyway. So if I wanted I could stop going and re-visit when things have settled down. There were 2 things I brought up with this...
1) I am going to be a Social Worker. Things are never going to settle down. I am going to be in a demanding job with a lot of pressures on me. I thought that maybe it would be better now for me to address things while I am still being closely supervised. And, that when is it the right time for these things???
2) Goes back to my massive fear of hospitalisation. I feel that by going a long with what they want means that I am less likely to be made to go in to hospital or be sectioned. Me going to counselling and seeing Dr T and taking the meds shows I am engaging. Basically I know the self harm isn't going to stop any time soon. So what happens if/when I rock up at the ED. I then turn round and say "no, I am not seeing those people, I am not going to take medication, I am not going to see a Dr and I have tried counselling, have decided it's not the right time for me and to be honest I don't really like counselling". My thoughts on this are that they are going to think that they will be left with no other option than to put me in hospital.
Picture it. I am being assessed by the crisis team or by Nurseman Mike. NMM has already said it is out of hand. He contacted the duty Psych before as he thought I was heading towards admission. He contacted Crisis team and made them come see me the next day at the appointment with Dr. They ask me what I have in place at the moment and I say I had but I stopped attending and taking meds. They are going to go for section aren't they?
No matter what people tell me about not having to go to counselling, not having to take the meds, not having to go see a Psychiatrist. I do! Yes, I could stop seeing them. But I know it's only a matter of time before I am back at the ED after cutting and being assessed again. So I feel as though I am told I have a choice in all of this. Well I don't really do I? Where is that choice?
I know I sound a bit mad here as I have been saying that I want to self harm because I enjoy it. But, even though I have just written about the negative sides or the possible repercussions of it. Yet I still want to. So maybe perhaps there is more than just wanting to and enjoying it.
Fuck. Now I am confusing myself and I am back to square minus 100. Sam keeps telling me I have come on a long way. I really don't see it. I don't see what good counselling will do for me. Maybe I am scared to stop. But of what? Failure? Not having an outlet. I think I have just gone and totally confused myself here. I need to stop thinking!!!!
She kept talking about this 10 minute rule thing and how I should give it ago. I don't want to. Basically the way I feel is that the letting is not an issue to me. It's something I do. Like I smoke. I don't want to give up smoking even though other people tell me I should. I know it's not good for my health but if someone told me to not smoke and I wanted to then I would just smoke. You have to want it yourself to stop. Telling a smoker to cut down or try and stop smoking when they don't want to is not going to be successful, Nor are they going to be able or want to come up with reasons why they smoke and how they should go about stopping if they don't want to stop. I used this analogy with Sam and she said she understood where I was coming from but no one was asking me to stop but to analyse what my feelings and thoughts are should I not be able to self harm. I said to her that I don't see this as a problem. Cutting I see as a problem, not letting. Letting I see as something that stops me from cutting. Should I not let, I believe that I will start cutting again. I don't want to be cutting. I am covered in enough scars!
I said I was reluctant to when I didn't see it as a problem and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stop. What I get from it is more than anything else in my life. When I know that I am going to do it I feel excited. Even if it is a few hours later the feeling I have when I decide I am going to do it is excitement. When I do it, I feel euphoria. Putting it off is just putting off something I am excited about. So it builds until I struggle to contain it. Say for example you have an event that you are excited about, a party, your birthday, a night out. You feel a good excitement don't you? Not nerves. Then as it gets closer you get more and more excited. If that event was then put off how would you feel? But you know it's still going to happen? I dunno, I am really struggling to articulate how it makes me feel. I think I self harm because I want to. Not because I need to. I am not punishing myself, I am not releasing emotions. I am doing it because I enjoy it. Maybe possibly I have some weird curious thing about the human body. I know I am curious about just how much the human body can take. Am I my own lab rat?
If someone told you that you should stop doing something that you enjoyed doing, that wasn't causing anyone else any trouble, and you didn't want to stop doing it. And, they wanted you to look at your thoughts and feelings about why you do it. Would you be a willing person?
We also had the no one is forcing you to come here talk. She asked me why I come to therapy if self harming was something I didn't want to stop. First off I said it was useful to have someone who wasn't phased by stuff that I said and to have a sounding board to bounce off. Also she gives me quite a lot of reassurance in things. Like if I say I am feeling one way about something which I am not sure is the right way to feel, or feel bad for voicing it.
For Example I didn't want my Nanna to die just before Xmas as it would taint Xmas every year. My other Nan did die just before Xmas. However, we have a way of dealing with it. We don't take our feelings out on everyone else and we just don't really get in the Xmas mood until after her anniversary. But after the anniversary we kind of get on with it. If my Nanna my Dad's Mum died just before Xmas, Xmas would have been a miserable affair for ever more as of the way my Dad would have dealt with it. I am not close to my Dad's mum, and to be honest, she has dementia and a whole other heap of old age related illnesses. She doesn't know anyone and really is just a shell that has a heart beat. So in a way I feel that it would be kinder for her to be left to die. What kind of life is that? Anyway, all that is another topic along with religion which I wont get on to as it's messy.
Anyway, I could never have said I hope that she holds on a couple more months just so Xmas isn't ruined each year to anyone. But I did say it to Sam and she said it was normal to think like that and was not unusual that I didn't want Xmas ruined for everyone. Please don't send me loads of hate comments now.
So I explained that it was nice to have that someone I feel I can be more honest with. Someone to listen and reassure me. I go to counselling so I can speak to someone where I am normal. Does that make sense?
So we talked more about why I was there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to address everything. Sam said it was a busy time for me and I am dealing with a lot anyway. So if I wanted I could stop going and re-visit when things have settled down. There were 2 things I brought up with this...
1) I am going to be a Social Worker. Things are never going to settle down. I am going to be in a demanding job with a lot of pressures on me. I thought that maybe it would be better now for me to address things while I am still being closely supervised. And, that when is it the right time for these things???
2) Goes back to my massive fear of hospitalisation. I feel that by going a long with what they want means that I am less likely to be made to go in to hospital or be sectioned. Me going to counselling and seeing Dr T and taking the meds shows I am engaging. Basically I know the self harm isn't going to stop any time soon. So what happens if/when I rock up at the ED. I then turn round and say "no, I am not seeing those people, I am not going to take medication, I am not going to see a Dr and I have tried counselling, have decided it's not the right time for me and to be honest I don't really like counselling". My thoughts on this are that they are going to think that they will be left with no other option than to put me in hospital.
Picture it. I am being assessed by the crisis team or by Nurseman Mike. NMM has already said it is out of hand. He contacted the duty Psych before as he thought I was heading towards admission. He contacted Crisis team and made them come see me the next day at the appointment with Dr. They ask me what I have in place at the moment and I say I had but I stopped attending and taking meds. They are going to go for section aren't they?
No matter what people tell me about not having to go to counselling, not having to take the meds, not having to go see a Psychiatrist. I do! Yes, I could stop seeing them. But I know it's only a matter of time before I am back at the ED after cutting and being assessed again. So I feel as though I am told I have a choice in all of this. Well I don't really do I? Where is that choice?
I know I sound a bit mad here as I have been saying that I want to self harm because I enjoy it. But, even though I have just written about the negative sides or the possible repercussions of it. Yet I still want to. So maybe perhaps there is more than just wanting to and enjoying it.
Fuck. Now I am confusing myself and I am back to square minus 100. Sam keeps telling me I have come on a long way. I really don't see it. I don't see what good counselling will do for me. Maybe I am scared to stop. But of what? Failure? Not having an outlet. I think I have just gone and totally confused myself here. I need to stop thinking!!!!
First Meeting
So I went to my first fat club meeting today. Also know as Weight Watchers. It went ok but I am not keen on the leader. She's a bit excitable. A bit over the top. The whole idea surrounding it with the new points system seems as though it could work ok. It's all a points based system. I quite like that as means that I am more aware of what I am eating. Also there are quite a few no point foods on there. Obviously I am going to have to make some changes. Which means no binging on chocolate or crap. But the boredom eating I should be able to combat through eating no point foods. These include things like fruit. So I can eat all the strawberries I want. I can also sprinkle on sweetener rather than sugar and keep it at no points.
I think my main problem is snacking and comfort eating. If I can make the swaps then it should work for me. I need to get more active though. At the moment it's a pain as of my ankle. It is hurting quite a bit more now I am out of the cast so I am being really weary of what I do. Once that heals though I am going to start going on the park and being more active. I have considered swimming but not sure with the scars. I considered female only in the evening but not sure if I want to get my legs out as I am over conscious of them. I do love swimming though. I always have. When I was younger (a lot younger) I was in swimming clubs and was really good. I used to swim at school and do well in competitions. I stopped going as I moved clubs as my instructor moved and some of the girls in the new club bullied me. So I gave it up. But I could swim even with my ankle being dodgy as the water would support it more. But, I still have the problem with the scars. They are just about healed now. It's only taken more than 4 months! But it's obvious scaring!
I lost 2 stone through WW about 6 years ago. It worked well for me and I felt as though I had a lot more confidence when I have lost some weight. So I hope that this is the last time that I will go for it.
I've got an appointment with Sam later. I'm dreading it. I've stopped telling her a lot about how I am feeling. For instance there is no way I am going to tell her about my plans for the end of July. I mentioned that I would probably cut while parents are away and she seemed as though she was really pissed off with me. So I won't be talking about it anymore.
I am feeling a bit emotional today. I hope that doesn't mean I will start crying in the appointment later. I was sat in the WW meeting and I just wanted to cry! I don't know why. But I thought I was going to have to leave as I could feel it coming on. I don't know why I wanted to cry. It came from no where.
I'm a bit nervous about the appointment today. She wanted me to try the whole 10 minute rule thing. I haven't. I've just let anyway. I explained to her last week that once I made the decision to let then there was no point in me trying that. Also as I don't see that as a problem then I don't see the point in waiting 10 minutes. I said it's so mundane to me it's like putting off getting a cup of tea and see how you feel in 10 minutes. No different.
Are my thoughts becoming twisted? Does is sound rational what I am saying?
I think my main problem is snacking and comfort eating. If I can make the swaps then it should work for me. I need to get more active though. At the moment it's a pain as of my ankle. It is hurting quite a bit more now I am out of the cast so I am being really weary of what I do. Once that heals though I am going to start going on the park and being more active. I have considered swimming but not sure with the scars. I considered female only in the evening but not sure if I want to get my legs out as I am over conscious of them. I do love swimming though. I always have. When I was younger (a lot younger) I was in swimming clubs and was really good. I used to swim at school and do well in competitions. I stopped going as I moved clubs as my instructor moved and some of the girls in the new club bullied me. So I gave it up. But I could swim even with my ankle being dodgy as the water would support it more. But, I still have the problem with the scars. They are just about healed now. It's only taken more than 4 months! But it's obvious scaring!
I lost 2 stone through WW about 6 years ago. It worked well for me and I felt as though I had a lot more confidence when I have lost some weight. So I hope that this is the last time that I will go for it.
I've got an appointment with Sam later. I'm dreading it. I've stopped telling her a lot about how I am feeling. For instance there is no way I am going to tell her about my plans for the end of July. I mentioned that I would probably cut while parents are away and she seemed as though she was really pissed off with me. So I won't be talking about it anymore.
I am feeling a bit emotional today. I hope that doesn't mean I will start crying in the appointment later. I was sat in the WW meeting and I just wanted to cry! I don't know why. But I thought I was going to have to leave as I could feel it coming on. I don't know why I wanted to cry. It came from no where.
I'm a bit nervous about the appointment today. She wanted me to try the whole 10 minute rule thing. I haven't. I've just let anyway. I explained to her last week that once I made the decision to let then there was no point in me trying that. Also as I don't see that as a problem then I don't see the point in waiting 10 minutes. I said it's so mundane to me it's like putting off getting a cup of tea and see how you feel in 10 minutes. No different.
Are my thoughts becoming twisted? Does is sound rational what I am saying?
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Doing Something Good...
I've joined Weight Watchers. My plan, so put full details on here. That way if other people are following my weight loss I will get support. And yes, I do need to lose weight as my BMI is currently around 37. I was weighed at the hospital yesterday for my pre-operative assessment and I was 107kg. That's nearly 17 stone. So tomorrow I plan on getting up at a normal time and I am going to my first meeting. I will get weighed properly and I am going to detail it all on here about what I have done.
My weight is one of the things that has been affecting me for a while. It does get me down quite a bit. I am lucky in a way that it is proportionate and I have a curvy figure that goes in and out in the right places. But I want it to be smaller. Currently I am a size 20 bottom (UK) or in US a size 16 and a 18 UK on top or 14US. I would like to be about a size 14 (UK) all over. I would like to lose around 5stone. I have lost about 2 stone before on the WW diet and I know it works for me. According to the NHS for my weight to be in healthy ranges it needs to be somewhere between 8stone 8 and 11 stone 8. So if I lost 5 stone that would put me in normal ranges.
I would like to say I am going to follow an exercise plan also. But, I am a bit crap with the motivation for that. But. I have one of the UK's largest inner city parks as my back garden. I have a gate on to the park. I should make the most of it. I have a dog. And I have a bike. There is no reason why I should not be using these.
My leg is out of cast now. It is a bit soon to be exercising but there is no reason why in a couple of weeks I should not be able to. It is still sore and I am struggling with bits. Like I forget it hurts and I go and sit on it and then that really hurts.
So, will you support me? I know a few people read this and I thought if making it kind of public then it would be more motivating for me.
I do live with my parents and my mum cooks meals at night, generally they are healthy. My problems are with snacking and bingeing. I think I binge when I am feeling crap in myself, and when I am bored. But, if you have tips etc please pass them my way and I need all the help I can get as I sometimes lack motivation and if I have people bugging me about it then it will help.
xxx
My weight is one of the things that has been affecting me for a while. It does get me down quite a bit. I am lucky in a way that it is proportionate and I have a curvy figure that goes in and out in the right places. But I want it to be smaller. Currently I am a size 20 bottom (UK) or in US a size 16 and a 18 UK on top or 14US. I would like to be about a size 14 (UK) all over. I would like to lose around 5stone. I have lost about 2 stone before on the WW diet and I know it works for me. According to the NHS for my weight to be in healthy ranges it needs to be somewhere between 8stone 8 and 11 stone 8. So if I lost 5 stone that would put me in normal ranges.
I would like to say I am going to follow an exercise plan also. But, I am a bit crap with the motivation for that. But. I have one of the UK's largest inner city parks as my back garden. I have a gate on to the park. I should make the most of it. I have a dog. And I have a bike. There is no reason why I should not be using these.
My leg is out of cast now. It is a bit soon to be exercising but there is no reason why in a couple of weeks I should not be able to. It is still sore and I am struggling with bits. Like I forget it hurts and I go and sit on it and then that really hurts.
So, will you support me? I know a few people read this and I thought if making it kind of public then it would be more motivating for me.
I do live with my parents and my mum cooks meals at night, generally they are healthy. My problems are with snacking and bingeing. I think I binge when I am feeling crap in myself, and when I am bored. But, if you have tips etc please pass them my way and I need all the help I can get as I sometimes lack motivation and if I have people bugging me about it then it will help.
xxx
Monday, 23 May 2011
Getting On...
OK, I know I am not exactly old. I am 26. But I turn 27 in about 4 weeks. And I hate it. I hate the idea that I am another year older and have not got any where. When I was younger up until I was about 23 I was fine with birthdays and getting older. But now. Not at all. It scares me. It is a reminder that I am no where in life. Generations before me were married, owned a house and had children. Here's me. Living with parents, still a student, not in a relationship and in a lot of debt that getting a mortgage even in a few years is very unlikely.
I hate birthdays. I really do. I don't mind the being given presents side. But it's the whole getting a year older. When I was growing up I thought I would be married with children by now. I wanted to be. I want to be. At my age my Mum had 3 children. My Nan had my Mum. The females in my family all have been married with kids by my age. Here's me. Nothing.
Getting older is just another reminder of what I have failed to accomplish. I look at my friends and compare myself to them. Most of them are pretty settled or are on their way to being. I am the eternal student. Have never had a job where I feel as though it is worthwhile and career wise. I have not had a career yet. It has only been the last 2 years I have decided which route I want to take. But now, I think of that and think I have probably pushed myself too far and I am out of my depth. I feel as though I am drowning. I can't do a Masters. Who was I kidding?
I feel that my mood is pretty stable at the moment. That is why I can make the decision that come the end of July when everyone is on holiday I can act on my decision to end it. I don't have definite plans yet. I know it wont be an OD unless I can get a load of morphine again or any opiate based. This morning I was in a hell of a lot of pain with my back. Because I am in a cast and walking on it I have one leg longer than the other which has led to me having a bad back. Paracetamol and Ibrupofen hasn't touched it. What I had got was Panadol which is paracetamol with dihydrcodeine in. Only 7.5mg. Before I was taking 60mg of the Dihydrocodeine and that worked quite well when my ankle was bad. So I took 8 paracetamol. Hardly an overdose. But it has left me feeling sick all day. I have had my head over the loo thinking I am going to barf as I had that weird feeling in my mouth and it filling with water. But no, I wasn't sick, I wasn't given an relief from feeling sick. It reminded me of the overdoses I have taken and why when they were suicide attempts they weren't successful. It is because being sick scares me. So the times when I wasn't found by someone I ended up getting help myself. I don't know. I am not saying it was the case each time. I know I wanted to die. But I couldn't handle the side effects from what I had taken. Maybe when I used to leave the flat in the middle of the night it was a unconscious thought process that someone would find me.
So no overdosing for me. I can't handle the sickness.
I don't want to turn 27. That's getting in to my late 20's and only 3 years off 30. 30 is old. I was teaching my nephew ages the other day and I asked him how old he thought I was. He said 5. He is only just 2. Bless him. So I said no, I am a lot older than that and I told him I was 26. I then asked him again how old I was and he replied "old". Yeah thanks!
I am feeling older also. I can't drink like I used to when I was younger and be over the hangover a couple of hours after waking up. I now have 2 day hangovers. If I go out in to town at night I am one of the oldest. It's all kids in clubs. If you go to the bars where there are older people either they are the old chavy type. Or the bar is really expensive and you pay something like £7 for a single and mixer.
In my city there is a suburb that is really nice to go out in and is older people. But again it's expensive.
It's funny really. I have been going to clubs and going out drinking since I was 15-16. It was something we used to do quite regularly. We used to go out, take about £20 be wrecked but have also been to a club, got food and a taxi home. I can't do that now. A night out usually costs about £50 minimum. Hence why I don't tend to go out that often. Also, most of my friends don't like the same places that I like. They go to shit, chavy bars, see the same people and then go to Oceana where you stick to the floor and it smells like feet. In that place they should have not banned smoking. The smell of smoke is much more preferable to the smells of that place. They go every single week. They see the same people. They have the same arguments. It drives me mad. So I don't tend to go out with them that much. The places I like to go are apparently too pretentious! What? No, it's just that they are not chavs and they have a decent taste in music rather than the boom boom boom synthesised shit! I'm too old for that shit!
I've even had my Mum say I am too old to be going out to clubs etc. And to be honest, she is probably right. There are only a couple of places in this city that play decent music. And that is full of students. No matter what night it is the students tend to gravitate towards it. It's a really small dingy place. It's dark and you do stick to the floor. But the music is ace. It's my music. But I don't get to go there as the girls wont go. So, if I am feeling like I want to dance it's the cheesy crappy places they like.
I have found though as I have got older my tastes in bars have changed. There's a really nice wine bar that I love going to. They usually have an acoustic guy on and it's really chilled out and a nice atmosphere. I don't tend to like the places I used to like. I have grown out of them. I wish my friends would grow out of the places that they go to.
I don't know why but I am trying to arrange something with friends for my birthday. I don't know why I am bothering as I will only end up being let down by people. But, I am going to say to people I am not getting any older now and I am going to be eternally 21. I do not want to get any older. It is really scaring me.
But, if all goes to plan. I wont be getting any older.
I hate birthdays. I really do. I don't mind the being given presents side. But it's the whole getting a year older. When I was growing up I thought I would be married with children by now. I wanted to be. I want to be. At my age my Mum had 3 children. My Nan had my Mum. The females in my family all have been married with kids by my age. Here's me. Nothing.
Getting older is just another reminder of what I have failed to accomplish. I look at my friends and compare myself to them. Most of them are pretty settled or are on their way to being. I am the eternal student. Have never had a job where I feel as though it is worthwhile and career wise. I have not had a career yet. It has only been the last 2 years I have decided which route I want to take. But now, I think of that and think I have probably pushed myself too far and I am out of my depth. I feel as though I am drowning. I can't do a Masters. Who was I kidding?
I feel that my mood is pretty stable at the moment. That is why I can make the decision that come the end of July when everyone is on holiday I can act on my decision to end it. I don't have definite plans yet. I know it wont be an OD unless I can get a load of morphine again or any opiate based. This morning I was in a hell of a lot of pain with my back. Because I am in a cast and walking on it I have one leg longer than the other which has led to me having a bad back. Paracetamol and Ibrupofen hasn't touched it. What I had got was Panadol which is paracetamol with dihydrcodeine in. Only 7.5mg. Before I was taking 60mg of the Dihydrocodeine and that worked quite well when my ankle was bad. So I took 8 paracetamol. Hardly an overdose. But it has left me feeling sick all day. I have had my head over the loo thinking I am going to barf as I had that weird feeling in my mouth and it filling with water. But no, I wasn't sick, I wasn't given an relief from feeling sick. It reminded me of the overdoses I have taken and why when they were suicide attempts they weren't successful. It is because being sick scares me. So the times when I wasn't found by someone I ended up getting help myself. I don't know. I am not saying it was the case each time. I know I wanted to die. But I couldn't handle the side effects from what I had taken. Maybe when I used to leave the flat in the middle of the night it was a unconscious thought process that someone would find me.
So no overdosing for me. I can't handle the sickness.
I don't want to turn 27. That's getting in to my late 20's and only 3 years off 30. 30 is old. I was teaching my nephew ages the other day and I asked him how old he thought I was. He said 5. He is only just 2. Bless him. So I said no, I am a lot older than that and I told him I was 26. I then asked him again how old I was and he replied "old". Yeah thanks!
I am feeling older also. I can't drink like I used to when I was younger and be over the hangover a couple of hours after waking up. I now have 2 day hangovers. If I go out in to town at night I am one of the oldest. It's all kids in clubs. If you go to the bars where there are older people either they are the old chavy type. Or the bar is really expensive and you pay something like £7 for a single and mixer.
In my city there is a suburb that is really nice to go out in and is older people. But again it's expensive.
It's funny really. I have been going to clubs and going out drinking since I was 15-16. It was something we used to do quite regularly. We used to go out, take about £20 be wrecked but have also been to a club, got food and a taxi home. I can't do that now. A night out usually costs about £50 minimum. Hence why I don't tend to go out that often. Also, most of my friends don't like the same places that I like. They go to shit, chavy bars, see the same people and then go to Oceana where you stick to the floor and it smells like feet. In that place they should have not banned smoking. The smell of smoke is much more preferable to the smells of that place. They go every single week. They see the same people. They have the same arguments. It drives me mad. So I don't tend to go out with them that much. The places I like to go are apparently too pretentious! What? No, it's just that they are not chavs and they have a decent taste in music rather than the boom boom boom synthesised shit! I'm too old for that shit!
I've even had my Mum say I am too old to be going out to clubs etc. And to be honest, she is probably right. There are only a couple of places in this city that play decent music. And that is full of students. No matter what night it is the students tend to gravitate towards it. It's a really small dingy place. It's dark and you do stick to the floor. But the music is ace. It's my music. But I don't get to go there as the girls wont go. So, if I am feeling like I want to dance it's the cheesy crappy places they like.
I have found though as I have got older my tastes in bars have changed. There's a really nice wine bar that I love going to. They usually have an acoustic guy on and it's really chilled out and a nice atmosphere. I don't tend to like the places I used to like. I have grown out of them. I wish my friends would grow out of the places that they go to.
I don't know why but I am trying to arrange something with friends for my birthday. I don't know why I am bothering as I will only end up being let down by people. But, I am going to say to people I am not getting any older now and I am going to be eternally 21. I do not want to get any older. It is really scaring me.
But, if all goes to plan. I wont be getting any older.
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Thoughts
I am pretty stable at the moment. Although in a weird way I feel unsettled about it. I don't know how long it is going to last for. I don't know how long it is before I sink in to a depressive state again. Or how long before everything speeds up and my thoughts race and I feel a bit hyper. Although I don't mind it so much when that happens. I prefer the ups. But unfortunately they don't happen that often. So basically I am waiting to sink in to the depression again.
I say I am pretty stable. But last nights self harm probably wouldn't show that. The letting was bad last night. I probably did more than I have done before. And I used a different method to get more out. I found if I sucked on the end of the needle I could get more out and it wouldn't clot. So let a lot more than I probably should have done. And since I have found a new method I wanna do it again now.
Sam told me to wait 10 minutes from when I want to self harm and then seeing if I can wait another 10 minutes. I know if I continued to do it as bad as that every night then the letting would become a problem and I would be bothered about what it was doing to me. I know I will self harm later. I have come on here to distract myself away from doing it as I prefer to do it last thing at night. It's like taking a sleeping pill.
Also, I have been thinking more and more about July/August. I am thinking it may be a good time to end it all. No one will be around. It's perfect timing. I will be on my own. I wont have anyone around me to notice I am not around as uni will have finished for summer, I will have finished placement, family all on holiday and my friends don't seem to notice when I have not been in contact. I have had thoughts about what I will be doing also. I won't go in to detail on here but the more and more I think about it the more it seems logical.
I can't cope with these ups and downs. I want to be normal. I have tried so many different pills which don't seem to work and I am so sick of it. I don't want to live my life wondering how long I will have of being stable before the next episode. Also, I am stable at the moment so I am being rational. It's not as though I am in a depressed state where I can't see a way out, or if I am having racing thoughts and I am being irrational. I have thought about this loads recently. I need to fine tune a few things and get a few things figured out, like time, place, method. But I think I am being quite rational. I am stable at the moment. I am making a thought out decision, it's not rash, it's not impulsive. A lot of thought will have gone in to it.
I don't want to talk to Sam about it. My mind is made up on this one. I wont be talked out of it. I will carry on seeing Sam in the mean time as she does offer good support around the self harm. But, I have found that I am becoming less and less honest with her. I am not able to talk about the self harm with her. Does this mean that it is a waste of time me going now. I can't be open and honest with her. I am scared to be. Especially after what happened with the course. And especially as now she is being supervised by the Clinical Psychologist who is working with Dr T. I don't want what I say getting back to him. As I have said before I am worried about being made to go in to hospital. I won't let that happen. I have a plan for if it does but I would rather not end it that way.
I just feel as though everything I am doing is a big waste of time at the moment. Why should I continue to do stuff with uni if I am not going to be around to see it through. Why am I bothering.
Why am I waiting until July/August. Why wait? I suppose I should wait. I can plan more and make it more definite. I have time to play with I should make the most out of it!
I say I am pretty stable. But last nights self harm probably wouldn't show that. The letting was bad last night. I probably did more than I have done before. And I used a different method to get more out. I found if I sucked on the end of the needle I could get more out and it wouldn't clot. So let a lot more than I probably should have done. And since I have found a new method I wanna do it again now.
Sam told me to wait 10 minutes from when I want to self harm and then seeing if I can wait another 10 minutes. I know if I continued to do it as bad as that every night then the letting would become a problem and I would be bothered about what it was doing to me. I know I will self harm later. I have come on here to distract myself away from doing it as I prefer to do it last thing at night. It's like taking a sleeping pill.
Also, I have been thinking more and more about July/August. I am thinking it may be a good time to end it all. No one will be around. It's perfect timing. I will be on my own. I wont have anyone around me to notice I am not around as uni will have finished for summer, I will have finished placement, family all on holiday and my friends don't seem to notice when I have not been in contact. I have had thoughts about what I will be doing also. I won't go in to detail on here but the more and more I think about it the more it seems logical.
I can't cope with these ups and downs. I want to be normal. I have tried so many different pills which don't seem to work and I am so sick of it. I don't want to live my life wondering how long I will have of being stable before the next episode. Also, I am stable at the moment so I am being rational. It's not as though I am in a depressed state where I can't see a way out, or if I am having racing thoughts and I am being irrational. I have thought about this loads recently. I need to fine tune a few things and get a few things figured out, like time, place, method. But I think I am being quite rational. I am stable at the moment. I am making a thought out decision, it's not rash, it's not impulsive. A lot of thought will have gone in to it.
I don't want to talk to Sam about it. My mind is made up on this one. I wont be talked out of it. I will carry on seeing Sam in the mean time as she does offer good support around the self harm. But, I have found that I am becoming less and less honest with her. I am not able to talk about the self harm with her. Does this mean that it is a waste of time me going now. I can't be open and honest with her. I am scared to be. Especially after what happened with the course. And especially as now she is being supervised by the Clinical Psychologist who is working with Dr T. I don't want what I say getting back to him. As I have said before I am worried about being made to go in to hospital. I won't let that happen. I have a plan for if it does but I would rather not end it that way.
I just feel as though everything I am doing is a big waste of time at the moment. Why should I continue to do stuff with uni if I am not going to be around to see it through. Why am I bothering.
Why am I waiting until July/August. Why wait? I suppose I should wait. I can plan more and make it more definite. I have time to play with I should make the most out of it!
Saturday, 21 May 2011
Thursday, 19 May 2011
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Annoying People
I think Sam was kinda pissed off with me today. The stuff I was saying, well, kind of like going backwards. I told her about the appointment with Beth and how that made me feel.
I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.
She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.
I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.
So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.
But what do I do now?
I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.
She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.
I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.
So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.
But what do I do now?
New CPN/CCO
I say new but I've never had one before. So not like new as in I had an old one but new as in I have one. I'll name her Beth.
So I met Beth at my GP surgery for he appointment. She kept going on about how it will be short term and what work we will do together. She asked about work I do with Sam and in typical psych fashion asked me about my past and if Sam and I discussed that. I told her how I felt about counselling that I didn't really see any improvement but I found it useful to talk to someone about self harm and I didn't feel like I was shocking someone.
She asked me about the relationship with my family and friends and I explained that it was a good one but I am not open with anyone. I don't like telling people about my thoughts and feelings. I didn't say this but I feel sometimes my thoughts and feelings are possibly maybe out of context and I worry about what people would think if I was open with them.
She asked about patterns with self harm and my moods. I said that there was no trigger and that even when you would expect me to be a mess I am not and I can hold it together. She asked if it was converse and I said not, it was just that there is no pattern to how I am feeling. She asked me what I thought about the self harm etc. I said I was worried that when I am on another low the thoughts of suicide become more prominent. I feel more worthless. When I am relatively stable the thoughts are still regular but not in the way that I am certain I would act on them. When I am lower it is when it is more likely I would act on them. I also mentioned about how I didn't feel that my current methods of self harm were a problem and I wasn't over bothered about them. I don't see it as serious and I don't get why people get in a tiz about it all. I said I wasn't even sure if I wanted to address it. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop the self harm. I then went on to say how I felt forced in to somethings as I keep saying no to so much that they are going to force something on me if I don't comply. If I withdraw from services, stop taking medication and rock up in the ED I think it's a sure fire route to Hospitalville on a section 2/3.
Beth kept saying how no one was forcing me to see her. I said I knew that but I still felt as though I didn't have so much choice as there was only so much I will comply with.
She kept trying to push PD services. I don't know how many times I have explained everything to people. If I am honest today just felt like a repetitive session. I just said everything I have said before to other people. I was quite frustrated by it if I am honest.
She did say one thing that did make sense though, kind of, in a way. She said possibly in my not speaking to anyone about anything about thoughts and feelings that perhaps the self harm is a release from what is going on in my head. It's my talking and sharing. I did kind of see some sense in that. I have been looking for some answers about it for a while but her simple analogy here made some sense. She asked what self harm was like. I explained how is a habit. I explained how I have never stopped my self so I don't know what would happen if I did. I suppose that has to do with me being quite mind set on things. If I have my mind set on something then no one can change my mind about things.
Anyway. We discussed the main reason for me having her for a short period of time. That main reason is to try and build some support around crisis situations. I have said numerous times I wont call crisis team when I am going to self harm. The reasons being are that I self harm nearly every night, and that I can't stand the phone. I hate speaking to people on the phone and if I am going to speak about something so personal I need to know the person, and I need to do it face to face and slowly so I can gauge their facial reactions. Like with Sam, I may even spread things out over a couple of appointments. So I don't see how the crisis team can help me.
So, all in all today was I feel a bit repetitive. I suppose in one way the having a possible reason about the self harm has been beneficial. But who knows.
I see Sam tomorrow. I am appointment, appointment, appointment at the moment. I am finding it hard to keep on track with things as I am here there and everywhere.
I'll write again possibly tomorrow after appointment with Sam.
xxx
So I met Beth at my GP surgery for he appointment. She kept going on about how it will be short term and what work we will do together. She asked about work I do with Sam and in typical psych fashion asked me about my past and if Sam and I discussed that. I told her how I felt about counselling that I didn't really see any improvement but I found it useful to talk to someone about self harm and I didn't feel like I was shocking someone.
She asked me about the relationship with my family and friends and I explained that it was a good one but I am not open with anyone. I don't like telling people about my thoughts and feelings. I didn't say this but I feel sometimes my thoughts and feelings are possibly maybe out of context and I worry about what people would think if I was open with them.
She asked about patterns with self harm and my moods. I said that there was no trigger and that even when you would expect me to be a mess I am not and I can hold it together. She asked if it was converse and I said not, it was just that there is no pattern to how I am feeling. She asked me what I thought about the self harm etc. I said I was worried that when I am on another low the thoughts of suicide become more prominent. I feel more worthless. When I am relatively stable the thoughts are still regular but not in the way that I am certain I would act on them. When I am lower it is when it is more likely I would act on them. I also mentioned about how I didn't feel that my current methods of self harm were a problem and I wasn't over bothered about them. I don't see it as serious and I don't get why people get in a tiz about it all. I said I wasn't even sure if I wanted to address it. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop the self harm. I then went on to say how I felt forced in to somethings as I keep saying no to so much that they are going to force something on me if I don't comply. If I withdraw from services, stop taking medication and rock up in the ED I think it's a sure fire route to Hospitalville on a section 2/3.
Beth kept saying how no one was forcing me to see her. I said I knew that but I still felt as though I didn't have so much choice as there was only so much I will comply with.
She kept trying to push PD services. I don't know how many times I have explained everything to people. If I am honest today just felt like a repetitive session. I just said everything I have said before to other people. I was quite frustrated by it if I am honest.
She did say one thing that did make sense though, kind of, in a way. She said possibly in my not speaking to anyone about anything about thoughts and feelings that perhaps the self harm is a release from what is going on in my head. It's my talking and sharing. I did kind of see some sense in that. I have been looking for some answers about it for a while but her simple analogy here made some sense. She asked what self harm was like. I explained how is a habit. I explained how I have never stopped my self so I don't know what would happen if I did. I suppose that has to do with me being quite mind set on things. If I have my mind set on something then no one can change my mind about things.
Anyway. We discussed the main reason for me having her for a short period of time. That main reason is to try and build some support around crisis situations. I have said numerous times I wont call crisis team when I am going to self harm. The reasons being are that I self harm nearly every night, and that I can't stand the phone. I hate speaking to people on the phone and if I am going to speak about something so personal I need to know the person, and I need to do it face to face and slowly so I can gauge their facial reactions. Like with Sam, I may even spread things out over a couple of appointments. So I don't see how the crisis team can help me.
So, all in all today was I feel a bit repetitive. I suppose in one way the having a possible reason about the self harm has been beneficial. But who knows.
I see Sam tomorrow. I am appointment, appointment, appointment at the moment. I am finding it hard to keep on track with things as I am here there and everywhere.
I'll write again possibly tomorrow after appointment with Sam.
xxx
Monday, 16 May 2011
Confidence Crisis
I am having another confidence crisis over my course. I feel like a fake and I shouldn't be on the course. I am really struggling with the academic work. My written work isn't that good and I really struggle with it. I had to send some work to my Practice Educator (PE). She sent it back to me saying if I handed that in I would fail the placement. I really worry about it. I don't think I am cut out for the course. I can do the bit where I can work with people, I can do the job. I just can't do the academic stuff that comes along side of it.
I have got loads to do for placement still. I have been pulled from this placement as I can't do the job as of not being able to drive. I can add the days on to my final placement so I am not too worried.
It's weird. I have so much on at the moment and I am not even at work. It just seems as though it's appointment after appointment. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a CPN. It seems as though she is going to be my Care Coordinator. I think so anyway. She is going to my doc surgery and I am seeing her there for the appointment. I am nervous about it. I just hope she is not one of these people who sits there in silence and expects me to fill in the gaps. I have noticed Sam is making the gaps longer and longer.
I said to her in the first appointment I can't stand it when counsellors leave big gaps of quiet as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have noticed she is doing it now. I wonder if she has been donig it on purpose. You know, sort of making me feel more at ease in appointments. I really don't like them though. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. It sucks.
So yeah, I have 2 head appointments this week. Next week I have a fankle appointment, hoping to get the cast off but who knows. I will have had it on coming up to 4 weeks when I have the appointment and it would have been nearly 5 weeks since I injured it. It's still painful. I am ok-ish walking on it now. But, it hurts more after if I have been putting weight through it. When I am not able to put it up it also hurts more then. So not sure what the answer will be really. Only 1 week tomorrow til my appointment and so I should find out more then. I am looking forward to gettting my car back and not having to rely on people to ferry me around all the time.
I also have my needle in the arm pre operation appointment. I am still planning on trying to make myself ill through the GA. It says not to eat before hand and to avoid fizzy drinks. So there's my plan. I don't think I will be put on a ventilator so it's not as though they would notice really. Well they would but hopefully it will be too late by then.
I know I am doing it again. Saying one thing; about my course and that I am worried. But, at the same time any opportunity for it to look accidental and not my own fault and where I am not going to be aware of it I am going to take.
I know that I will one day succeed. I don't see me living a full and whatever life. But, in the mean time I am not going to sit around doing nothing.
I suppose I will write again when I have more to say and to say how tomorrow goes.
x
I have got loads to do for placement still. I have been pulled from this placement as I can't do the job as of not being able to drive. I can add the days on to my final placement so I am not too worried.
It's weird. I have so much on at the moment and I am not even at work. It just seems as though it's appointment after appointment. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a CPN. It seems as though she is going to be my Care Coordinator. I think so anyway. She is going to my doc surgery and I am seeing her there for the appointment. I am nervous about it. I just hope she is not one of these people who sits there in silence and expects me to fill in the gaps. I have noticed Sam is making the gaps longer and longer.
I said to her in the first appointment I can't stand it when counsellors leave big gaps of quiet as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have noticed she is doing it now. I wonder if she has been donig it on purpose. You know, sort of making me feel more at ease in appointments. I really don't like them though. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. It sucks.
So yeah, I have 2 head appointments this week. Next week I have a fankle appointment, hoping to get the cast off but who knows. I will have had it on coming up to 4 weeks when I have the appointment and it would have been nearly 5 weeks since I injured it. It's still painful. I am ok-ish walking on it now. But, it hurts more after if I have been putting weight through it. When I am not able to put it up it also hurts more then. So not sure what the answer will be really. Only 1 week tomorrow til my appointment and so I should find out more then. I am looking forward to gettting my car back and not having to rely on people to ferry me around all the time.
I also have my needle in the arm pre operation appointment. I am still planning on trying to make myself ill through the GA. It says not to eat before hand and to avoid fizzy drinks. So there's my plan. I don't think I will be put on a ventilator so it's not as though they would notice really. Well they would but hopefully it will be too late by then.
I know I am doing it again. Saying one thing; about my course and that I am worried. But, at the same time any opportunity for it to look accidental and not my own fault and where I am not going to be aware of it I am going to take.
I know that I will one day succeed. I don't see me living a full and whatever life. But, in the mean time I am not going to sit around doing nothing.
I suppose I will write again when I have more to say and to say how tomorrow goes.
x
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