Saturday, 27 April 2013

If I Want Something It Has To Be NOW!

I am in one of those moods where I think about something and I think I want it and it has to be now!

Today's example is a new mobile phone. Luckily the two websites I went to are not working properly so I couldn't affect my credit even further by applying for credit to get one. My contact hasn't expired yet, I've still got a month or so to go on it.

This is quite typical of me though. I get something in my head and I can't wait. It has to be now. I am quite impulsive also when it comes to things and I can act quite quickly without putting much thought in to it. The past year or so I have managed to control it. But I can see little snippets of it coming back.

I need to be really careful as it is this which has got me into trouble with my finances. The reckless, impulsive spending.

When it starts I can't control it. I am hoping I have nipped it in the bud. I managed to, well actually I didn't manage anything. After the 2nd website wasn't working I got bored. Maybe it's fate. Achhh, I don't believe in fate. Or maybe I am just saying that in response to what the psychologist was saying on Thursday. He thinks I have an external locus of control but I am not to sure. I did a few quizzes and some said I had an internal, some external. So I don't know.

I don't like being reckless and impulsive. If I am going that way again it could be bad. If I stay low I am more likely to self harm and maybe even worse. But on the other hand I could be going high and so it could be a sign of better things to come. Yes, there are negative sides to being high, but I feel so much better. I have more energy, I get things done, I see people, I am sociable, I am fun to be around (well I think so anyway). But of course, it has got me in to trouble before. There are negative sides. I don't sleep, I want to because I get bored easily and a way of escaping boredom is by sleeping. My concentration suffers and I can't follow one thing easily. I get impulsive and spend lots of money which can leave me in debt, I drink more and this in itself can lead to problems, a couple of years ago while I was higher I was drunk and fell over while running in heels breaking my ankle. I have had one night stands, at least one was unprotected. I put myself in dangerous situations like arguing with a Vietnamese taxi driver/motorbike rider about where they had dropped me off in the middle of no where with no one around and over charging me and then refusing to pay them. I feel invincible.

I feel better. But the results of my actions could land me in serious trouble.

Why can't I just be normal. Why do I have to worry if I am going to stay low and depressed and not want to do anything, why do I have to struggle with urges to kill or harm myself, why do I have to worry in case I am going higher and what trouble I will get in to if I do? Why can't I just have normal moods instead of most of the time battling this darkness that engulfs me? It would be better if they were reactive, at least then I could have further understanding of it. But it's not reactive.

I just don't understand it.

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