Friday, 19 April 2013

Stressing About Stupid Things.

My downstairs neighbours are driving me insane. They are so noisy. They play shit music really late at night. Last night they were playing crap until at least 01.30am. Then that was followed by loud voices and slamming doors. Tonight it sounds like they have had people over again with more loud music and slamming of the doors. Every time they close a door my whole flat shakes. Maybe it's me being over sensitive to it, I don't know. But it is really getting to me. The flat I live in is in a converted building so the insulation isn't great. When upstairs were here you could hear them having a normal conversation. But this never bothered me. But this was before I ended up in hospital. Now I am out all my senses are on overdrive so little noises are bothering me. I can't relax not knowing when the next bang bang bang is going to happen.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to cause any friction with my neighbour. Maybe it is me being over sensitive and getting annoyed over nothing. Well, not nothing but just a bit of noise that I should just put up with as it is a converted flat. My brother thinks I should go round and say something and so does my friend. But there is no way I could do that. I don't do possible confrontational situations. My psychologist has talked to me about that before as I avoid doing anything that could be difficult like that and I will walk away from something even if I am right and someone else is wrong. But at the same time I don't want to complain as I don't want them thinking badly of me, and what if it is just me being over sensitive to them. Maybe once I am more well, and more stable it wont bother me and I will not think anything of it. Maybe, it's just because I am not doing that well at the moment that I am stressing over nothing?

Another thing I am stressing about is my cycle. I have not taken my contraceptive pill in coming up to 4 weeks. Usually when I don't take it for 4 days I have a period. But I have not had one. I have worked out I have not had one in over 6 weeks. I don't understand it. It worries me, because I worry if I have slept with someone and I am not aware of it and I have ended up pregnant. I know I dissociate when I cut, but what if I have done and slept with someone. Or just before Xmas when I was getting so pissed I couldn't remember the night I slept with someone then? I know it's really unlikely, but I can't help but worry about it.

I keep thinking just buy a pregnancy test, put your mind at ease. But then, I think I am being ridiculous as I haven't slept with anyone in ages. It will actually be 3 years in August. So not to waste money on a pregnancy test. But there is that seed of doubt. I would feel stupid buying a test.

Maybe it's just because of the trauma my body has been through the past few weeks. Obviously I was in ITU for a week unconscious and did nearly die. Then I was told I was malnourished. Never thought I would hear that, 16 stone and malnourished. That was because I was nasal gastric fed in ITU and then obviously there was the whole control thing where I didn't eat at all for over a week. In the space of 3 weeks I didn't eat one proper meal, it was never more than a few mouths full. So maybe it's that that is causing problems. But I am eating again now. And I am being healthy. I am eating lots of fruit and veg and being careful. I have signed up to Fat Fighters online and am following a good healthy eating plan.

Maybe I should just book an appointment with my doctor. I need to go over my shoulder/neck as that is still causing me loads of pain and basic painkillers aren't helping. They aren't even touching it. So I don't even bother taking them. I also need to get more contraceptive pills and have the 6 monthly check up on it. They'll probably tell me my blood pressure is high, even though every time I get it checked elsewhere it's normal. It's just white coat syndrome. They'll also tell me I have put on weight since last time I got checked. I did have an appointment to see a doctor a couple of weeks back to talk about some help with losing weight as I have tried on my own lots of times and I have not been able to. I was going to ask about hypnotherapy.

But, me being me. I keep putting off calling the doctor. I hate going. And now I have moved, although it's on a local bus route. I can't be arsed. That's basically it. I'm pathetic aren't I?

Grrrrrrr.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

a few things...one...the psych drugs you're on cause metabolic disturbance, espcially depakote and quetiapine. they can cause you to stop getting your period, which means they're also doing other things, like starting to causes insulin resistance, which leads to weight gain, polycystic ovarian disease and eventually diabetes. if you cannot lose weight no matter how much you exercise or change your diet, it's because of the metabolic disturbance. the body stops being able to properly metabolize fats and sugars. second, the kind of dissociation you're experiencing is more indicative of an alter self taking over than a simple dissociative episode. drugs like quetiapine can also make that dissociation worse. as for the hallucinations you experience, again...the drugs you're taking can make that worse as well. but there's more to this. if you are a complex trauma survivor who experiences dissociative states that leave you standing somewhere doing something you don't recall, those "hallucinations" are likely not hallucinations at all, but dissociated parts of self communicating to you. try engaging them in conversation when it happens. you have more control than you think. there's a lot of hope for healing, but you might need to break out of the typical systems of care and do some of your own research. if you are dealing with an extreme dissociative problem, you need to fully process the traumas and integrate them by means of therapies that connect both sides of the experience...verbal and non-verbal. EMDR or Art Therapy can help with both. stay safe.

Golden Psych said...

I already have PCOS. This was diagnosed before I was put on all the meds so wasn't that that caused it. I have not been on meds now in about 4-5 weeks. And that has when the problems have started since I stopped taking them.

Since I was put on the pill and metformin my periods became really regular and it settled down. But since I have not had any medication at all in the last few weeks I just don't know what has happened. Usually, like clockwork after not having the pill for 4 days I get a bleed but that has not happened.

It is not me who labelled them as being hallucinations. It was my psychologist who said that they were. I have not suffered a severe trauma so I am confused.

Since I have not been taking the meds the hallucinations or what ever they are are worse. So I think they were helping.

Anonymous said...

You can't simply stop them without having severe effects. The drugs must be stopped slowly and one at a time, or you will have these problems.

As far as "severe trauma", people often don't realize how traumatic some common experiences can be. But since you prefer a pill approach, I won't waste my time. I hope you figure something out.

Golden Psych said...

It wasn't my decision to stop them. After not having them for nearly 2 weeks while I was in the medical wards they decided not to re start them as of the risks of me having that type of medication and also they felt they weren't effective enough. I am not so sure. I feel worse since not having anything.

I am contemplating DBT at the moment, have a few decisions to make over it, but I am not really getting any closer with a decision.

It's a big commitment and I am not sure if I can commit to it for very long, and also I don't want to lose my psychologist as I have a good relationship with him. I was thinking maybe if I could see him for the individual sessions I may do it. But they are just a couple of reasons why I am undecided.