It went really well. I feel a bit better about things and have found some motivation to get better. And he has left me with some important decisions to make.
We talked mainly about what had happened. He said he had been really worried about me and had called the ITU to speak to nurses to see how I was doing. He said he wasn't going to sit by and watch me kill myself. So if I was so intent on dying he said he couldn't see me anymore as there wasn't much point and he wasn't going to sit and watch me kill myself. He said if we are going to continue to see each other things need to change and we can not carry on the way in which we have been. I agreed with him. I said what had happened had kind of proved his point in that what was going on wasn't working for me. If it had been working what happened wouldn't have happened. I said what got me about the whole experience and what bothered me most was not the fact that I nearly died. But the fact that if they hadn't have been able to wake me up when they tried that second time they would have done a tracheotomy. He said that that wasn't that unusual. As I would have lived and I would have had to live with a visible scar and it also be an awful experience. And that although I am suicidal, I do have some value for my body. And that I did come through it, but I nearly came through it, an awful experience with a visible scar.
We talked a bit about making goals from what I want and need from therapy. We also talked quite a bit about DBT. As he was reading through the list of goals I had made I knew what he was going to say. He said most of them could be met through a course of DBT. So we talked quite a bit about it. And, I think he may be talking me round. I don't want to live like this. I can't live like this. I need to accept things need to change and that medication alone isn't going to change things for me. Yes, it will help. But it is not going to be the cure. I am not saying DBT is, but is it worth giving it a ago. I told him a bit about my whole wanting to take a medical, scientific approach to it all. That I would like to be able to take a pill and my problems be sorted. He said I may feel that now but if I were to do the course and things improved I would have the self satisfaction that I did it. I suppose he has a point.
I said to him I don't want to sound like I am making excuses about not doing it but it was not just the fact that I really don't think I can do group work but there were practicality issues. I said that if I did go back to uni in September I don't know what days I am going to have off. It may not be the day in which the group sessions are held. So I may only be able to do it until September. It is supposed to be a year long course. A huge commitment. There are only 8 places available on the course and I don't want to take a place knowing I can only get about 4 months worth of work done when there may be someone who can commit to the whole course and also be more positive about doing it. It's not fair that I take their spot on it.
He said it wouldn't be certain I would be offered a space to do it anyway, but they could offer me an assessment. He said though that if I did the assessment like I did last time (back in January 2012) he would rip the form up and throw it back in my face. He said he had never seen anything like it and that I came out as a flat person with no personality at all. I don't know how I managed it either. I thought I filled it in accurately. He said it was probably my back ground in psychology etc that had lead to me doing it like that. So he kind of made me a bit nervous about having another assessment.
Also, I didn't tell him this but I worry about not being able to see him. He is one of them that does the DBT but if I were to do it I would want the individual sessions to be with him as I already know him and him me. And I know I like him and can be open with him. Maybe this is something I can ask about next time.
I think what I will do is email my course director and tell her I have been offered a chance to possibly do DBT and if she would be able to tell me what my days off from uni will be next year when I go back. If, it is do able then maybe I will give it a chance. I still won't be able to complete the course as I will be on placement from January so will only be able to do it until then. I can't see the point in starting it and only being able to do 3-4 months of it. But I think I could possibly get some benefit if I could 6-7 months of it.
I think I have kind of made my mind up. If I can continue to see him, and if it works out with uni. I think I will give it a go. I need to accept things aren't just going to change.
I asked him what will happen and what we can do if I don't do it. He said I can continue to see him every two weeks and we will work through the goals I have and use some DBT techniques. He said doing it like that wouldn't be as effective but at least we would be doing something. We would also have to agree an end of the sessions. He is right though. Things have to change, and I have to accept that I need to be the one to bring about these changes.
He didn't seem to get pissed off with me this week. Maybe it's because I didn't say anything to piss him off. I'd be pissed off with me if I was him. So I can see why he would be.
I even told him I hadn't been honest with him about just how serious the self harm was. So I told him I had been swallowing things 3-4 times a week. He asked why I hadn't told him and I told him I was scared of the repercussions. I also said how I thought it was odd how I would go to the hospital to get stitches when I had cut but not when I swallowed. I talked about how last time I cut enough to get stitches I also swallowed. Yet, when I was at the hospital I never mentioned the fact that I had swallowed anything. I said not all the time I got urges to swallow something, not like with the cutting how I can feel it building and it just seems to come from no where and it's more of a routine. To that he just said Bull Shit. He said that although I may not be aware of it, there is something and it does come from somewhere and that will be something we can work on.
He asked if I was still suicidal why I had not got plans to do it again. I said I couldn't do that again and risk it wouldn't work. It was a horrendous experience. One I have been having dreams/nightmares about. I didn't get round to telling him that bit. Maybe next time I can talk about it a bit more.
So that's today really. It went a lot better than I thought and I feel a bit better. Hopefully with his help I can change things.