So seeing my Psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I must say I feel quite nervous. A few reasons really. Firstly, last time he seemed quite pissed off with me and I am worried he may be the same again. I suppose I could see why he may have been pissed off with me last time. I wasn't exactly being the most forth coming person. All I would say was that I had done something that I thought would have ended things for me and it didn't work. He said he was concerned about that. And also I was talking about how pissed off with everything I was and he seemed quite annoyed and said that I had been offered a few different things but kept turning people down. He was talking mainly about DBT, which there is no way I am going near as I will not do group work. I will not open up or talk about my experiences of illness around people I don't know or don't trust. There is also there being more than one person that I can't deal with.
We did talk about mindfulness again last time. And I have made an effort with that. But, I just can't get my head around it and I don't find it useful. I have really tried with it. I even carry Smints around with me so that I can use the strong taste as something to be mindful of when I can't use music or breathing. I have tried. I can't do it. But I keep on trying. So that is something he should at least be happy with.
He also asked me to come up with a list of goals about what I wanted from meeting with him.
This is what I have got...
- To not fear the hallucinations etc. To not be scared that they are coming and not to get so worked up and anxious when I experience them.
- To not fear the low mood cycles.
- To be able to control my thoughts.
- Not to let emotions get the best of me.
- To move on from the past.
- To not fear the possibility of new relationships. Both possible relationships and possible friendships. I distance myself where I am likely to meet new people and situations where there are new people make me anxious. Also, I think I would like a relationship with a bloke and do the normal relationship stuff but I am scared. There is the issue of eventually opening up about me and the self harm and this period in my life. And the scars!
- To not rely on crutches. Food, alcohol, hiding away in the flat becoming a hermit.
- Prevention of relapse. Possible triggers, warning signs etc.
- Increase in motivation and self confidence. To start believing in myself.
- To change my way of thinking. Becoming more optimistic rather than being a pessimist.
- To be able to notice impulsive behaviours and stop them.
- To be able to cope with the feelings of guilt after seriously self harming.
- Accept that this is causing problems in my life.
- Learn effective relaxation techniques to calm anxiety.
- What is causing the insomnia?
So they are my goals. How do they sound. Is there any more that I could add? Anyone who reads regularly will know a bit about me and know what I need so any input would be appreciated.
What I haven't done, which was one of the things he asked me to do was keep a diary of the hallucinations. I meant to. But got a bit side tracked. I don't want to piss him off. I have contemplated going back and making stuff up. Just so I can say I have done it. I care a lot about what he thinks. Yes, I am aware me caring too much about what people think is an issue of mine.... ooo another goal.
So I am a bit worried he will be a little pissed off I haven't done that. I've done the goals though.
Another reason I am worried about tomorrow is as of what he thinks about the whole last month about what I did etc. I am more worried about what he has to say about it all than I was my friends and family. Maybe as I know I am more able to talk about my feelings with him. And, I know I need to talk about what happened with someone. And he is that person. I know I came close to dying. I also know it was touch and go at times. But you know what scares me most. Not that I nearly died, I still want that and even wish it had worked. I still think all the time about how I wish it worked. But the thing that scared me most was I was told if I hadn't have woken up properly that second time when I did wake up I would have been given a tracheotomy. What's the deal there?
So things to talk about with him are mainly what I have been through in the last 3 weeks and what effect that has had on me. How I wish it had worked. How I still want it but I don't have a plan. How when I saw him last I didn't think I could possibly feel any worse but I do. How I really don't like leaving my flat and would rather just stay in than go anywhere or see anyone. How the hallucinations are becoming more frequent and last a bit longer. The anxiety is worse. How I am not sleeping and the other night I was so paranoid while I was up as of not sleeping I had to get back in to bed and just lie there with the covers over my head so that the camera in the smoke alarm couldn't see me. And I must have been there like that a couple of hours before relaxing enough to be able to finally get to sleep about 6.30am.
It's about a month since I last saw him now. I just hope it goes ok.
Had Crisis Team come round today. Was a bit of a waste of time. She should have just phoned me. She was only here about 15minutes. She was of the distraction camp. She said she would call me on Thursday and we would arrange another visit. I have quite a bit booked in this week. Psychologist tomorrow, OT Tuesday and Tenancy Support Thursday. My TSW has said she wants to meet with me and the CPN at the same time. Originally I said it was OK, but the more I think about it the less and less I like the idea. So when I see the TSW I am going to have to tell her while I am happy for her to see my CPN and discuss me. I don't want to be there. I really can't handle those situations.
I am so irritable at the moment. I have new neighbours downstairs and they are driving me insane (more so). They are not noisy as in loud music all the time. But they talk so loud and slam doors. Every time they close a door my place shakes. It is really getting to me.