Just caught the end of an episode of Scrubs on E4. Doctor Kelso said to someone along the lines of you are just scared of doing something for your self in case you fail and then you have no one to blame except yourself. And that there are no magical fixes, so start doing the work. Nothing in this life that is worth having comes easy.
How true is that. And I am actually inspired by Scrubs.
I know now I need to do things for myself. Medication may help, but it is not the cure for me. I really need to change the way in which I am approaching therapy and put some real effort in.
So the whole DBT thing. I am still unsure. I have emailed my course director to try and get the practicalities of it sorted out. She said the time tables wouldn't be sorted out until later in the summer so she couldn't tell me about that. In a way I wish I hadn't emailed her and had left it a bit longer. She has said she would like to meet to discuss my return and also speak to my psychologist about my fitness to practice and if they think I could handle it. Well at the moment, I can't handle it. But I don't want her knowing that. I wanted to wait until I am more stable before talking about all of that. I have put her off a little hopefully. I have said I am seeing Psychologist and CPN next week and I will speak to them about who is the best for her to have contact with. I am hoping my Psychologist will say he will do it for me. He is more positive and I have a feeling he will be more helpful. My experiences of my CPN are that she can be quite negative when talking to other people about me. So if she does it I may not get back on the course.
I think though, about the DBT. If the psychologist said I could see him for the individual sessions then I'll probably end up doing it. I have to take more responsibility. And while I don't agree that there is enough traits met to be diagnosable with PD, I do agree that there are traits. Also, DBT was designed to look at suicidal behaviours and self harm. So it could be useful. I am still put off, really put off by the whole group side of it. And the mindfulness. I hate mindfulness. I just can't get on with it.
So while I am still wishing that it had worked. And I still feel kind of that I would rather be dead. I don't have any plans to. I know that I can't do what I did again. There is the chance it wouldn't work and I would have to go through what I did again. I am having nightmares about it. I think it's more of I don't want to live like this. So I feel I need to do something about it. I feel more depressed than I did before I did what I did. That does worry me. But saying that, I know things need to change and I have more motivation to change.
So, I think it's wait and see.