<p>So they couldn't find a bed. It got to 10pm and I said that's it then I'll wait from home. They then turned round to me and said you can't go without speaking to a psych. So cue waiting an hour and a half. Me close to tears as every sense is in over drive. Seeing things in the window and things moving etc. But I held it together. </p>
<p>I even gave a good account of myself to him. Came across rational, normal and didn't mention what I was actually experiencing. I said I was happy to be admitted just tonight I had to be at home as the medical ward was really getting to me. He then started talking about how close I came to dying and how a couple of times it was touch and go.</p>
<p>I said I hadn't planned anything and I hadn't got anything to harm myself at home and if he let me go I'd be happy if he wanted to send crisis team round tomorrow and every day until a bed is found. Which is true.</p>
<p>Anyway. He turned round and said he wasn't happy making the decision and he'd speak to his on call senior. I really thought I had it.</p>
<p>No. Appears not. I'm now waiting for yet another are you mental enough to be detained assessment. He said they weren't happy as I'd come so close to dying and in the past had done some pretty serious shit when I'd not planned to so on that basis I've got to have another assessment.</p>
<p>It's really pissed me off. Cos I have agreed to go into hospital. And even when I agreed it wasn't put to me in the kind of way that has been done previously where they've said either come informally or we section you. It was actually given to me as my choice to make. Well it seemed like that anyway. But I actually feel with this that on this one my CPN would probably be backing me up.</p>
<p>So now I'm scared. If I am detained I'll be sent out of area. Away from my team and the good relationship I have with my psychologist. The one person I am most open honest with.
Scrap all that. All of a sudden miraculously a bed. Less than 100metres away has materialised. Not where I want to be. But they said unless I take it they'll do the mental health act assessment. It's in hospital under my psychologist so I should get to see him. And hopefully I can swap with someone. How the hell at 1.30am there can be a bed and at 10pm there wasn't. Who knows.
I'm pissed off. And really worried. I've not lasted long on this ward before and has really bad memories for me. It's a horrible disgusting ward with shared everything. It's old and horrid. So hopefully I'll be transferred to the other hospital asap. The staff on the ward are nice from what I remember. The last time I was there was November 2011 so quite a while a go. Things may have changed quite a bit.
I'm so worried.