I am dreading it. I can't stand the guy.
I have been waiting for someone to get in contact with me regarding an appointment as they want to put me on different meds. I spoke to my TSW about this on Thursday and she said she was meeting with my Doctor the next day with a different patient but if she got him on his own she would ask him about me. So he told her I was booked in for this week at some point but he didn't know when.
So I have been expecting a letter telling me when. But no.
So today I have a home visit from Crisis Team and I asked her about it. I said I had not received anything through the post but I should have an appointment this week. So when she got back to the office she called me and said I was booked in for tomorrow. Nice of them to let me know.
I had arranged for a flat inspection and shopping to be delivered around the time of the appointment and being as though I wasn't available as I was in hospital for when the last inspection was booked I didn't want to mess them around by cancelling it. So I called Dr T's secretary and asked if I could change the appointment. Not just the inconvenience of it but I need more time to prepare myself for these things. But the secretary said it was booked as an urgent appointment and really I needed to make myself available for that, and, if I didn't go to that I wouldn't be able to be seen for another month. So, being as though I am not on any meds at all at the moment and since being off meds I have noticed a difference I thought I needed the input really to get started on some meds again. I don't want to wait a month of feeling like this and then however how long it takes for the meds to start working. So I called to change the flat inspection, luckily he is able to come an hour earlier and I have managed to change my online delivery.
I am dreading the flat inspection as well. Yes it's clean and tidy and I am looking after it but I can't help but feel it's an invasion on my privacy and is going to be looking for any small thing. I can have people come in to my home like the police and mental health professionals who ask me the most personal questions about my private thoughts. But someone coming to inspect my flat, that's a different matter. Why do I feel like this about it?
I am dreading tomorrow. I really don't like my Psychiatrist. He doesn't listen to a word I say and tells me I am feeling things I am not. Last time he told me I was feeling angry. I was like no, I'm not but you are starting to make me feel angry now by not listening to me and telling me I am feeling things I am not. I've done quite well and managed to not actually see him for an appointment on my own with him since July 2011. I have seen him since then when he has been in meetings about me while I was in hospital and also when he has done mental health act assessments. But I have managed to avoid seeing him. My CPN takes care of most things for me and feeds back to him what needs to be and so I manage to get away with not seeing him.
I also don't like him because he was the one who wanted to keep me in hospital when the hospital psychiatrists had said they wanted me discharged. This was back in September 2011 when I was on the PICU at the out of town hospital where Fingers was.
I want to go back on the medication I was on before. I know now it was doing something, I know what to expect from it. I know I don't get side effects when starting it. I know I don't get any side effects while I am on it. I don't want to start something new, an unknown quantity. But he won't listen to me about that.
I am getting so anxious about it.
So Crisis Team came out to see me today. It went ok. She said I have a lot to think about at the moment. Uni, DBT and medication. All big, important decisions. It is stressing me out as I don't know what to do about DBT and I know what I want with medication and uni but I know I am going to have to fight for both and I don't have it in me at the moment to stand up for myself and fight. Yes, I want to die. I don't want to live like this is probably the more accurate statement and see killing myself as a way out. But, if there is a chance I don't have to live like this then I want that. So medication and hard work it is. And if I do get better I know then I will get more positive about being a social worker and about my course. I will get the motivation to do it and do well. At one point it was my only focus in getting better and was so important to me and I fought and fought to stay on that course because being a social worker was the only thing I wanted to be. I want that to come back again. I am hoping it will. I am trying to be more optimistic and look to the future. I am trying to look after myself. I have come so close to self harming, breaking the razor apart and holding it to myself pressed down against my skin. But I stopped. I know when I self-harm I can't do it superficially. Once I feel that initial scratch I get lost in myself and go too far. I even swallowed some razor but started gagging on it and threw it up again.
I have kind of got a bit of a fear about hospitals now after last time. So, I have managed to stop myself knowing if I cut I will have to go to the hospital. Knowing if I swallow something, although unlikely there is that chance it could cause me internal damage which would result in a hospital admission. I keep having nightmares about my time in hospital. Mainly when they were holding a mask over my face. I have a bit of a fear about things being near my face and can't go for facials or the dentist because of this. I know it's kind of irrational, well very irrational but I have this fear they are going to smother me. So I keep having nightmares about masks being put over my face and not being able to breathe. While I was on ITU after they had taken me off the ventilator I was still having problems breathing and they put this mask on me which forced oxygen in to your lungs. It was horrible and I couldn't tolerate it at all. But they kept holding it in place telling me if I didn't have it on they would put me to sleep again and back on the ventilator. And then there was that night on the ITU where I was hallucinating quite badly and was adamant I had been moved and wasn't in hospital anymore. I got quite upset and wasn't able to breathe and they were holding a mask over my face and they then injected me with haloperidol through the IV.
One of my only memories from that initial period also was they tried to take me off the ventilator a day or so after it had happened and I couldn't breathe at all and didn't really know what was going on or where I was. I just remember being told they were going to have to put me to sleep again and a mask being placed over my face. It was horrendous.
It has also made me super scared of going back to the dentist. I went a few weeks ago for a check up and the dentist said I could have a bridge for the tooth I am missing. It's quite far back so you can't see that I am missing a tooth but it can making eating painful sometimes, especially if it is something hard like crusty bread etc. So I thought why not. He assured me it wouldn't involve any pain or needles. But other than that there is nothing wrong with my teeth so I could have just left it at that appointment and not have had to have gone back. But now I need to go back. I have an appointment for Wednesday and I am getting really anxious about it. Last time I went I took a double dose of Quetiapine. I usually take it at night and it knocks me out and zombifies me so I thought it would help with the anxiety. It did. I was actually falling asleep in the waiting room. But I don't have any of that left now. So I am going to have to go it med free and while having my irrational fears intensified as of what has happened over the last few weeks.
I know I sound pathetic. But I can't help the way in which I feel.
So tomorrow Dr T. Wednesday Dentist. Thursday CPN in the morning at my flat and in the afternoon to the hospital to see the Psychologist. Day off on Friday. Yay. Well so far. But I don't think I should have to see anyone. I am seeing most people this week before then. A full on week for me.