So today I have my CPN coming round and then a Psychology session. Full on.
I still haven't done the pregnancy test. It's sitting on my coffee table staring at me. Part of me thinks I am being stupid it's got to be negative. If I was pregnant I would be about four and a half to five months a long. Surly I would have had some symptoms, I would maybe be starting to show, I would be able to feel something by now and I probably wouldn't have had any periods up until March. Also, I was on the pill. I am not always great with taking it, but I am most the time. So there is next to no chance I am.
Then, it is that only next to no chance that terrifies me. There were nights before Christmas where I was so pissed I can't remember parts of the night or getting home. I was seen kissing blokes in clubs and bars. What if I did go home with someone, or went in to the toilets with someone. It's really not something I would do. But what if I did?
I haven't got the nerve to take the test. I am doing my usual avoiding. I feel that if I would rather not know than have a positive result.
I don't feel I can talk to my psychologist about this. It's probably the only time where him being male has been a problem. I can't talk to a bloke about my menstrual cycle and how I am not sure if I had sex with someone while so pissed I can't remember. So that leaves my CPN. Can I talk to her. Can I rely on her support and for her not to be negative and bring me down even further? I don't know. And then what I say to her will end up in my notes which the psychologist will read anyway. So I am not sure what to do.
So what I need to discuss today with the psychologist. I think it's mainly going to be DBT. I need more information on it. I want to know IF I do it if he will be able to be the person I see for the individual sessions. I have a relationship with him and that took me quite a while to get. So I don't want to lose that really. Especially if I can only do the course for 4 months until I start back with university. It will take me that long to get a relationship with someone new. So it would be a bit pointless.
I am also going to discuss with him that the only reason I haven't self harmed is because of some now weird phobia of going to the hospital. Also how I have been having nightmares about my time in there, especially while on the ITU and I was having masks held over my face and not being able to breathe. I felt as though I was being suffocated and very claustrophobic. It comes from this irrational fear of having people near my face. I am terrified of it. It makes going to the dentist very difficult and ensures panic attacks. I don't know why but there is this irrational fear that someone near my face like that is going to smother me and kill me. So having a mask held over my face and experiencing not being able to breathe just reinforced it. Now I know they weren't trying to kill me, quite the opposite but, that experience of not being able to breathe while someone held something over my face has just reinforced that phobia. Ridiculous I know.
My neighbours are still at it. Being very noisy that is. It stopped me sleeping last night as they were shouting and banging around. Their flat doesn't even go below my bedroom. It was coming in through the lounge and even with the connecting door closed it was still so loud it was keeping me awake. It's ridiculous.
Oh well. Onwards and hopefully upwards.