So What Now?

After months of being told "you should do DBT, it will help, it will make you better, you need to do this". I today have been told that it is not suitable for me and that it probably wouldn't work.

OK, it has clarified what I thought. DBT is mostly about emotion regulation and I don't have problems with that. But I suppose I wanted to be proven wrong. Everyone has been saying for so long that it is the best treatment around and that I should do it as it would probably be the only thing that helped with the self-harm and suicidal behaviours. And now I have been told that basically the problems I have wouldn't be addressed through DBT. So where does that leave me then. I am worried they are going to give up on me. Medication is not working well and now they are saying that the DBT wouldn't.

I still don't know if I would have actually have done the DBT. But it would have been nice to know that it could actually help me. Now I feel as though nothing could. I considered it, I really did and that is more than I have ever done. I have always been so set against it saying on no uncertain terms would I do it. But I considered it, and was coming around to the idea. I don't want to be like this and now I can't see a way out. It must be the only time that I feel crap about being proven right.

The assessment itself was horrible. Even though it was my psychologist and a nurse I knew doing it, it was different as firstly there were two people and that makes me uncomfortable and secondly I was worrying that anything I was going to say would be scrutinised and that the psychologist would be thinking along the lines of "well that's not what you've said in the past". I was truthful, but I have this feeling that my view of things and his view may differ and that what I perceive to be how things are on how he does is different. He actually stopped me half way through and said that I appeared as though I was being quite guarded. I didn't think I was. I just felt a lot of the questions were irrelevant and only required a straight forward no answer. On the questions where I could say yes that that did happen she was asking for an exact example and when it happened.

I just found it really difficult and out of control. I am used to being in control of what happens in sessions when I see the psychologist. I choose what I want to talk about. Where as this was nothing like it and I felt really uncomfortable.

What the Psychologist did say to me after was that what the assessment has highlighted was how much of a problem for me avoidance is and what I will do to avoid doing or approaching things that could have negative outcomes or that are hard to do for me. It's like with uni. I don't want to contact my course director and tell her what has been going on and arrange to have a meeting with her because that meeting could lead to me being told that I am not able to recommence the course. Of course, it could also lead to me being told that I could go back in September. But for me rather than risk having that bad news and then having to deal with that, I would rather just not know. So that is something we are going to work on.

I'm a lost cause.

While I agree that there are traits of PD in me, such as the self harming and suicidal behaviours, I don't agree with a diagnosis of it. This has reinforced my belief in that. Surly if I was BPD then the DBT would work for me. And now I am told it won't. So what the hell can I do??????????????????

More news on the neighbour front. The downstairs noisy one who I was told didn't live there. Well, Sunday morning at 6am, yes 6AM, I was woken to screaming, shouting, swearing and banging. I laid in bed for about 20minutes listening to it going on and I grew quite concerned. So I called the police on the non emergency number and explained to them what was going on and that while they are noisy and annoying generally, I was actually calling out of concern as it was quite odd behaviour and at one point it sounded as though he was shouting to be let out. After about 15minutes on the phone with the police and them asking me about my health to which I told them I had mental health problems and that it was making them worse I went to the bathroom and could hear shouting coming from out the back.

 I didn't really think much of it and went out for a cigarette anyway. I saw my next door neighbour outside the gate involved in an heated discussion with someone. The neighbour saw me come out and I asked him if it was downstairs. He said it was. So I marched over and gave him what for about his behaviour and said how it wasn't on that he was banging around and shouting, slamming doors so hard my place shakes. He gets quite aggressive back (I was quite calm and not aggressive at all) he starts trying to make a grab at me and getting in my personal space and close up to me which I didn't like. It became apparent he was quite drunk. I knew we weren't going to get anywhere and basically said to him this and that he should go home and I had already called the police as I was concerned about what was happening. To this he exploded and had a massive go at me slating the police and how they were useless and he hates them etc etc. He tried to grab on to me saying I should go to his now and then to talk to him about the noise and he wanted to show me the door he was having problems with which was why he needed to slam it to close. I told him I wouldn't be going anywhere with him as firstly he was very drunk and being quite aggressive and secondly it was not even 7am on a Sunday morning and I was in my PJ's.

In the end I just said to him that we weren't going to get anywhere and both my next door neighbour and I just walked off from him. When we were back in our courtyard my neighbour then proceeded to tell me that he had also called the police and then went round to his flat. He said he was very aggressive towards him and followed him back to our flats. While he followed him back downstairs picked up a brick and threw it through next doors window and threatened to kill him. The neighbour went in and I had another cig. I then saw a police man running by the gate. I shouted after him and asked him where he was looking for and he said my address. So I told him how it wasn't here he needed to respond to but to the flat below which is accessed from the other road. I told him what had happened since my call to them and he was quite rude to me when I couldn't give a good description of him. All I could tell him was that it was an Asian male in his mid 30's. I knocked on the neighbours door and he managed to reel off what he was wearing, how it hair was cut, how tall he was and even tattoos. I am so unobservant. I probably wouldn't even recognise the guy if I ran in to him in the street. I am crap with faces and things like that.

But now I have this massive worry that he knows who I am, he knows where I live and he knows it was me who called the police which would have lead to his arrest. He obviously hates the police and I would imagine he would have been done for criminal damage and warned about the noise coming from his flat. He is an aggressive man who my neighbour has seen being arrested on a couple of occasions for fighting in the street. He has only lived there about a month! So I am really worried that he is going to retaliate against me. I worry he is going to put my windows in or that he will attack me if he sees me out. Every noise I hear I get really paranoid about and I don't feel safe in my own home.

And, I don't really know what to do if he continues with the loud music late at night. I don't really feel I can report him to the police again as of how he was and he knows who I am. I am scared of any repercussions if I do call the police again. I did report him to my landlord who said he would be in contact with the owner of the building. But, who knows what will actually happen. Probably nothing.

I had mentioned it to my psychologist when I saw him last week about the noise and how I had mentioned it to my landlord and the email I had back from my landlord basically said that the owners weren't aware of anyone living there. So my psychologist questioned if it was actually happening and if I was hallucinating it. I didn't think I was as I was feeling it as well. Not just hearing it. And while I do get visual and occasional auditory hallucinations, I have not felt anything. So I didn't think this was the case. But I did question myself.

I briefly mentioned it today before we started the assessment and he asked if I was feeling relieved that it wasn't an hallucination. I said I was, but actually thinking about it and how I have been feeling since. I wish I was hallucinating it. An hallucination wouldn't hurt me or cause damage to my home. I really am scared and paranoid about it. I didn't talk in detail about it as it wasn't really the place, but I suppose it's something to talk about next week with him in more detail.

Seeing my CPN on Friday. Will be able to debrief with her a bit I assume as I reckon the psychologist will have written in my notes about what happened today at the assessment.

Until then.......