Sunday, 17 July 2011

Weird Feeling

I slept a lot last night. I went to bed at 1. My friend woke me up at 8.30am to be let out the house and I thought I would go back to bed for an hour or so. I didn't wake up until 3pm. I don't feel rested at all. I feel awful. Not in a physical way but mentally. I don't know why but I am having those feelings like when I have done something that has required a hospital trip or like after I was done on a 136.

It is a knot in my stomach that I feel something is uncompleted. It's a sickening feeling of feeling let down and a failure. It may be something to do with the dreams I have having last night. I can't remember many of them.

There was one where I dreamt I was in hospital. I think I was in the hospital grounds and I stabbed myself in my abdomen. The knife or what ever it was was stuck in deeply. I was on a trolley in the normal, not serious injury area of the hospital. It wasn't my hospital or hospital I had been to but it was the staff from my hospital. And bitch nurse was there. I pulled the knife out and I started bleeding and I could feel the warmth of the blood pouring down my legs. The nurse started shouting at me for being stupid. A couple of nurses then rushed me round to the serious injury area, again it wasn't my hospital but the staff were from my hospital. They were saying I needed to have an operation and they would need to let my family know as I would be in hospital for a few days. I said I didn't want them to know and I didn't want the operation as I just wanted to die. I had a really warm fuzzy feeling and it was like I floating. It was an amazing feeling. I said I didn't want to have surgery and I would just stick a plaster on it. They called my family anyway without my permission and they came to the hospital.

Another one I had was weird.

I dreamt I was on a beach and I was looking down at another beach as though I was on a cliff top but I was still on the beach. I was in the sea but it was quite rocky and painful to stand on. I was struggling to get back to the beach as I didn't want to stand up. To get back I rode a small wave back and it meant I didn't have to stand up. I was with a couple of other people but I can't think who they were. When I was back on the beach I was stood watching people on the beach lower down laughing and goofing around. It was a group of young people having fun. Then there was this speed boat that came all of a sudden. A man got off carrying something on his shoulders. He climbed up to where I was and saw that what he was carrying was like a barrel of blood that had come from a donar bank. I remember asking him how many units there were in the barrel and he said 34. He used the phone that was on the wall to ring where he was supposed to be taking it to.

And that's it. With that dream, I wonder if anyway it was related to the first dream.

I think the feelings I have today are possibly because of the 1st dream and because I slept so late. It's like I did do something and didn't get back from the hospital until late and thus sleeping in late. Although it didn't happen it's like my brain is telling me it did.

I have kind of screwed up my sleeping patterns sleeping so late. I have a Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow in the morning so I need to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight but it's not going to happen really.

Wish me luck for tomorrow!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

luck :)