I went out tonight. Brought home food from KFC (chicken and coleslaw) to have in bed. It was scrummy. Is it an English thing to get food at the end of the night. First off, me and uni friend said we would wait on to the bus a bit longer to go into city centre even though went past our house, so we could get some food. Then we were like why don't we go for a drink. I had a bottle of vodka that I took to party in next city and brought back. We went to bar. I got preferential treatment and got to use disabled facilities as currently I am cripple with my leg and all that. Surprisingly, it was a good pulling tool. Not that I did. But, it was amazing how much I could have pulled, just on sympathy vote alone. Shame none of them were fit.
So all Friend had to get was 2 cokes. We kept topping them up with the vod. In the end. I was like...I wan't food and so do you. Lets walk another mile to go to KFC just so I can get hicken and coleslaw...ummmm.
Brought home. In bed. Ate the food in bed, what a scuzz. deciding whether or not to take pi pills now? I don't really wanna sleep 15 hours from now, but I wanna sleep. And I don't wanna not take them as don't want withdrawals. Decisions decisions????
x
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
I Cried.
Appointment with Sam today. I ended up in tears. Over the stupidist thing. I can talk about self harm, I can talk about my past, I can talk about really tough things. But talking about that I am tired and fed up of having a broken foot/ankle (I am not sure which bone it is so from now on a fookle) I start crying. stupid. I said it's because I am tired. I am getting over emotional and a bit of a wreck.
I'm feeling a little over whelmed recently. Last night I was crying through all of Glee (I virgin plused it). How ridiculous is that. It's supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be something that make you laugh. But me, no, I cry through most of it. I am so stupid!
Placement/work have told me I can't be in while I am on crutches as of health and safety. Even if I get the cast off if I am still on crutches I can't go in as of health and safety. I suppose that has upset me as I liked getting out the house. It was an escape. But as it is now, I am stuck. Stuck with my own thoughts in my own head. Although, saying that the enforced day off on Friday *cough working from home, means that after phsyio I can come home, put ear plugs in to drown out the noise (my nephews are here, them you expect to make noise, it's my Dad that is the problem) and get on with work.
I felt I needed to cry more today. But I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of someone else. I don't do that. Once I start I usually end up sobbing and not being able to get my breath so I try to ensure I don't even start. But I feel like I want to cry at the moment. I am so fed up. So frustrated. Even though I have been told if I have to add days on to final placement I can still graduate at same time as my friends. Yet I feel like this. I feel like crying. I don't usually feel like crying. I think it's the pain, tiredness, frustration, stress, Dr T and the fact I am bleeding again and my mixed metformin and the pill isn't working and I have been discharged from the gynecologist. So it looks like another possible referral. I will give it another couple of months before I go back to doc with it and see what happens then. It's only a recent thing so maybe I will wait a bit. Stupid Ovaries and their polycysticness!
I'm going to go be miserable and cry at Casualty then maybe come back upstairs and watch The Pursuit of Happiness! All joy me!
x
I'm feeling a little over whelmed recently. Last night I was crying through all of Glee (I virgin plused it). How ridiculous is that. It's supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be something that make you laugh. But me, no, I cry through most of it. I am so stupid!
Placement/work have told me I can't be in while I am on crutches as of health and safety. Even if I get the cast off if I am still on crutches I can't go in as of health and safety. I suppose that has upset me as I liked getting out the house. It was an escape. But as it is now, I am stuck. Stuck with my own thoughts in my own head. Although, saying that the enforced day off on Friday *cough working from home, means that after phsyio I can come home, put ear plugs in to drown out the noise (my nephews are here, them you expect to make noise, it's my Dad that is the problem) and get on with work.
I felt I needed to cry more today. But I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of someone else. I don't do that. Once I start I usually end up sobbing and not being able to get my breath so I try to ensure I don't even start. But I feel like I want to cry at the moment. I am so fed up. So frustrated. Even though I have been told if I have to add days on to final placement I can still graduate at same time as my friends. Yet I feel like this. I feel like crying. I don't usually feel like crying. I think it's the pain, tiredness, frustration, stress, Dr T and the fact I am bleeding again and my mixed metformin and the pill isn't working and I have been discharged from the gynecologist. So it looks like another possible referral. I will give it another couple of months before I go back to doc with it and see what happens then. It's only a recent thing so maybe I will wait a bit. Stupid Ovaries and their polycysticness!
I'm going to go be miserable and cry at Casualty then maybe come back upstairs and watch The Pursuit of Happiness! All joy me!
x
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Paranoia....
I keep getting paranoid thoughts all the time. An example is I was sitting outside last night having a cig and I had this thought that I was being watched with cameras. My rationalisation on that one....actually GP you are being watched. Your parents have CCTV. So yup, some truth in that one! LOL. Joking aside though it is things like that. I have thoughts that there are cameras watching me. Watching me just to see how insane I am and gathering evidence. Most of it all comes back to the fear of being sectioned and having to go in to hospital.
My main one yesterday, even though Dr T kept saying he wasn't going to section me (I did say quite rudely...well I know that you can't on your own but...) only a couple of hours previous, when I had an appointment with a researcher and he was asking me questions I thought it was all a ploy.
I will go in to this one a bit more. When I was in hospital recently with my ankle/foot I was asked if I would partake in a research study into the impact of injuries and how it affects your life. I know how hard it can be getting participants so I agreed. So he arranged to come and see me yesterday and was asking lots and lots of questions. He asked loads about my mental health before the accident and it made me so uncomfortable. I lied quite a bit about it but was honest in some parts. I didn't want his impression of me to be craaaaaazy woman! He was a young guy and I found it really hard talking about it to him as I had never met him and I was in my own home. I don't do talking about it in my own home. Also it didn't help that all the while he was asking the questions I was thinking this is just a thing from the Psychiatry side to test me again. They want to know if I am being honest with them and are testing me to see how I answer questions about my mood etc. I was so paranoid about it. I was so glad when he left and felt massive relief. But part of me feels that he is going to feed back on my answers to the Psych team.
Mad, I know.
I have paranoia that I am being followed and watched. That people I don't know are constantly assessing me. I feel that people are paid to do this and they will all report back on what I am doing and how I seem to be behaving.
I was outside at work today having a cigarette. An ambulance on blue lights pulls up along side me. Stops. Moves forward a little. Stops and reverses to where I am. Can you imagine my thoughts on that one. I think I recognised one of the paramedics also. He looked at me a bit weird as though he recognised me. They got out really slowly and I was just stood there in total panic about what was going to happen. As it happened they went in to the brothel/drug den across the road from me.
I know these are paranoid thoughts. I can try and rationalise with myself that really the NHS does not have money to spend to employ someone to follow people. And it violates one of the Human Rights of The Right to a Private Family Life. And I try and look at it from a professional view. Never have I heard of that being done. They have so many other patients that really that many resources on me...it aint gonna happen! But there is still that massive seed of doubt. There's the keeping in check of my behaviour, so like not just lying on the floor for the hell of it which sometimes I like to do, just in case there are cameras in my room.
I don't know if it's getting worse. I don't think they are. But what does worry me is how they are all pulled back to one thing and that is being in hospital. I am that scared of it that these paranoid thoughts are appearing.
I will just have to get on with it though.
On another note, I have a date for the operation. June 2nd. That's to get the needle out my arm. Although I have to go to a pre-op thing a week before. The surgeon really didn't want to do it and was trying to pursuade me otherwise. So I think they will turn round in this pre-op thing and say while your BMI is not between 20-25 we will not do it as you have elected to have it done. So watch this space on that one. I think that will be my accidental death if they do decide to go ahead. Perhaps if I eat when I am not supposed to then it will result in my aspirating...yay! But as I said, I don't think they will do it. If it is something as simple as BMI I will be pissed off as surely he could have said there and then that he didn't think it would be appropriate as my BMI is outside normal range.
Who knows.
I have been put on 300mg of Quetiapine now. Dr T said he will write to my GP to get the prescription. He said I can take it in one dose and go from 100 to 300mg straight off. Well, I am not so sure. I know when I first started taking it it took me a few days to adjust. So I have decided I am upping it slowly. I took 200mg tonight. I hope it will make me sleep. I feel like I could now so I am going to try.
Wish me luck.
xxx
My main one yesterday, even though Dr T kept saying he wasn't going to section me (I did say quite rudely...well I know that you can't on your own but...) only a couple of hours previous, when I had an appointment with a researcher and he was asking me questions I thought it was all a ploy.
I will go in to this one a bit more. When I was in hospital recently with my ankle/foot I was asked if I would partake in a research study into the impact of injuries and how it affects your life. I know how hard it can be getting participants so I agreed. So he arranged to come and see me yesterday and was asking lots and lots of questions. He asked loads about my mental health before the accident and it made me so uncomfortable. I lied quite a bit about it but was honest in some parts. I didn't want his impression of me to be craaaaaazy woman! He was a young guy and I found it really hard talking about it to him as I had never met him and I was in my own home. I don't do talking about it in my own home. Also it didn't help that all the while he was asking the questions I was thinking this is just a thing from the Psychiatry side to test me again. They want to know if I am being honest with them and are testing me to see how I answer questions about my mood etc. I was so paranoid about it. I was so glad when he left and felt massive relief. But part of me feels that he is going to feed back on my answers to the Psych team.
Mad, I know.
I have paranoia that I am being followed and watched. That people I don't know are constantly assessing me. I feel that people are paid to do this and they will all report back on what I am doing and how I seem to be behaving.
I was outside at work today having a cigarette. An ambulance on blue lights pulls up along side me. Stops. Moves forward a little. Stops and reverses to where I am. Can you imagine my thoughts on that one. I think I recognised one of the paramedics also. He looked at me a bit weird as though he recognised me. They got out really slowly and I was just stood there in total panic about what was going to happen. As it happened they went in to the brothel/drug den across the road from me.
I know these are paranoid thoughts. I can try and rationalise with myself that really the NHS does not have money to spend to employ someone to follow people. And it violates one of the Human Rights of The Right to a Private Family Life. And I try and look at it from a professional view. Never have I heard of that being done. They have so many other patients that really that many resources on me...it aint gonna happen! But there is still that massive seed of doubt. There's the keeping in check of my behaviour, so like not just lying on the floor for the hell of it which sometimes I like to do, just in case there are cameras in my room.
I don't know if it's getting worse. I don't think they are. But what does worry me is how they are all pulled back to one thing and that is being in hospital. I am that scared of it that these paranoid thoughts are appearing.
I will just have to get on with it though.
On another note, I have a date for the operation. June 2nd. That's to get the needle out my arm. Although I have to go to a pre-op thing a week before. The surgeon really didn't want to do it and was trying to pursuade me otherwise. So I think they will turn round in this pre-op thing and say while your BMI is not between 20-25 we will not do it as you have elected to have it done. So watch this space on that one. I think that will be my accidental death if they do decide to go ahead. Perhaps if I eat when I am not supposed to then it will result in my aspirating...yay! But as I said, I don't think they will do it. If it is something as simple as BMI I will be pissed off as surely he could have said there and then that he didn't think it would be appropriate as my BMI is outside normal range.
Who knows.
I have been put on 300mg of Quetiapine now. Dr T said he will write to my GP to get the prescription. He said I can take it in one dose and go from 100 to 300mg straight off. Well, I am not so sure. I know when I first started taking it it took me a few days to adjust. So I have decided I am upping it slowly. I took 200mg tonight. I hope it will make me sleep. I feel like I could now so I am going to try.
Wish me luck.
xxx
Monday, 9 May 2011
Pissed Off
I was having last minute doubts about Sam coming to the appointment with Dr T today but didn't do anything about it. Turns out it wasn't that bad. Although Sam did bring up how paranoid I was when I was in the hyper mood. So the doc starts asking me how paranoid I was and about what. I felt so stupid. I couldn't talk with 2 professionals there. It was too much. So I just quickly said about being sectioned. He asked if there was anything else and I said no. He asked me if I was sure as it didn't look like I was being truthful. So I said about people following me. I said I can rationalise those thoughts but there is always a seed of doubt there and that perhaps it is true. Well actually before I said that I said I didn't want to say as it sounded stupid and I know it's not the case and I didn't want to. But he said how can I help you if you don't tell me. So queue me feeling so stupid and telling him that. I didn't tell him how every time I see a police car I feel they are coming for me. Or that people are tricking me by telling me they are doing one thing but really they are doing another...I'll get to more of that in a bit.
We talked more about when I am feeling as though everything is going fast. And you know what he put it down to...panic state. No. I don't feel panicked. I don't have anything to feel panicky about. Ok, maybe the paranoia makes me feel a bit on edge. But it's nothing massive and I can rationalise with myself. So he said well, what you have described is panic state and that fits in with BPD. I told him again I didn't agree. And queried that with PD isn't it a more rapid cycling of mood. He said not necessary. He goes on to tell me and tried to re-assure me that PD is seen as an illness just the same as bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia. What a load of SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Please remember I have seen MH from both sides. Do not try to fob me off Dr T!
Not just the stigma that comes with that diagnosis but I don't believe that it is the diagnosis. I have more trust in Dr Google than I do him. I don't know how many sources that Dr Google has but all of them disagree with him. On those quiz things, ok I know most of them are for fun but some are to do with the DSM-IV and there is some element of truth in them. But not one that I have done points to PD. I don't know. Maybe because I know there is so much of a stigma that comes with that that maybe is pushing me in the opposite way. He kept going on and on about it being a deep routed thing and will take a lot of work.
I emailed Sam after the appointment saying this to her
"Don't know if I said it earlier but thanks for coming with me today.
I'm still pissed off as I don't think it's an accurate diagnosis and it's all well and good saying not to focus on it but if it's on my records it is what other people will see as soon as they pick up my file. It's not just the stigma etc that is attached to it and what other people see which clouds my judgement but I just don't think it's right. I know I shouldn't put too much faith in Dr Google but from what I have read around it and those stupid tests, which some are based on DSM-IV but not one of them points to PD. "
It just seems as no one is listening to me. How many times do I have to tell them I don't have problems with anxiety or panicking. Actually to be fair I may have said that I do. They ask so many bloody questions and want answers and I am not sure if I have, maybe I haven't that I sometimes feel anxious. I am going to have to say it on Wednesday when I see Sam. I don't think that I am anxious person. Yeah, I get normal anxiety before exams etc but not in general. People have commented on how calm I am before exams presentations and getting marks back. My philosophy is I have not worked as hard as I could have so however I do is a bonus. Or in terms of work and presentations - I have done what I can do so what is the point fretting about it all now. What's done is done and there is no changing it. I don't find anxiety bothers me at all. So why do people fixate on it.
I am going to have to speak to Sam about it as I am just throwing things out there when really, that isn't what it is. I think maybe I am saying things people want to hear. Sam could tell I was feeling pissed off as she grabbed me before she left and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no, and I was going home to stew over it.
I think I self harm when I am angry. I self harm when I am pissed off. I know a couple of times I have been so pissed off and I have ended up self harming. I think a lot of it is habit. He was asking about the self harm again and I said it's pretty much every day. He seemed to think it was a good thing that I had not self harmed more since I have been at home more. That shows how much he listens as I have said before, I never self harm in the day and it is late at night. So being on my own all day does not make one bit of difference.
He asked me if I had thoughts of doing anything else. Well, yeah, they are there most the time. But I didn't go in to detail. By this point I was just pissed off and wanted to leave.
I am getting a support worker or a CCO. He wants me to call them rather than self harm. Nope, doesn't work like that for me. If I decide I am going to self harm that is it. Also, I feel it's so ingrained in me that it happens so often that speaking to someone isn't going to help. But, what he did point out which was true was I wont talk to anyone who I don't know. And they will be there between my appointments with Sam. He did say would only be for 2-3 months. I don't see how I am going to get to know someone in that amount of time and trust them for them to be effective, so really what is the point? What if I don't like the person and don't feel as though I can talk to them at all. It's a bit of a waste of time really. I am being very negative aren't I?
So long story short. I am getting a CCO/Support Worker, albeit for a limited time. He has upped the dose of Quetiapine to 300mg. To be taken in one go. That's going to be fun then isn't it? He keeps going on about how is for aggitation and anxiety..."HELLLOOOOOO, have you not listened to a word I have said". I should get some sleep hopefully anyway as not slept the last 3 nights. And that was it. That was a horrible Psychiatrist appointment.
I was going to write about the other paranoia things but this is rather lomg as it is so I will save that for another post.
This bloody appointment has made me so angry. I want to cry when I am angry. I am not going to let this make me cry!
We talked more about when I am feeling as though everything is going fast. And you know what he put it down to...panic state. No. I don't feel panicked. I don't have anything to feel panicky about. Ok, maybe the paranoia makes me feel a bit on edge. But it's nothing massive and I can rationalise with myself. So he said well, what you have described is panic state and that fits in with BPD. I told him again I didn't agree. And queried that with PD isn't it a more rapid cycling of mood. He said not necessary. He goes on to tell me and tried to re-assure me that PD is seen as an illness just the same as bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia. What a load of SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Please remember I have seen MH from both sides. Do not try to fob me off Dr T!
Not just the stigma that comes with that diagnosis but I don't believe that it is the diagnosis. I have more trust in Dr Google than I do him. I don't know how many sources that Dr Google has but all of them disagree with him. On those quiz things, ok I know most of them are for fun but some are to do with the DSM-IV and there is some element of truth in them. But not one that I have done points to PD. I don't know. Maybe because I know there is so much of a stigma that comes with that that maybe is pushing me in the opposite way. He kept going on and on about it being a deep routed thing and will take a lot of work.
I emailed Sam after the appointment saying this to her
"Don't know if I said it earlier but thanks for coming with me today.
I'm still pissed off as I don't think it's an accurate diagnosis and it's all well and good saying not to focus on it but if it's on my records it is what other people will see as soon as they pick up my file. It's not just the stigma etc that is attached to it and what other people see which clouds my judgement but I just don't think it's right. I know I shouldn't put too much faith in Dr Google but from what I have read around it and those stupid tests, which some are based on DSM-IV but not one of them points to PD. "
It just seems as no one is listening to me. How many times do I have to tell them I don't have problems with anxiety or panicking. Actually to be fair I may have said that I do. They ask so many bloody questions and want answers and I am not sure if I have, maybe I haven't that I sometimes feel anxious. I am going to have to say it on Wednesday when I see Sam. I don't think that I am anxious person. Yeah, I get normal anxiety before exams etc but not in general. People have commented on how calm I am before exams presentations and getting marks back. My philosophy is I have not worked as hard as I could have so however I do is a bonus. Or in terms of work and presentations - I have done what I can do so what is the point fretting about it all now. What's done is done and there is no changing it. I don't find anxiety bothers me at all. So why do people fixate on it.
I am going to have to speak to Sam about it as I am just throwing things out there when really, that isn't what it is. I think maybe I am saying things people want to hear. Sam could tell I was feeling pissed off as she grabbed me before she left and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no, and I was going home to stew over it.
I think I self harm when I am angry. I self harm when I am pissed off. I know a couple of times I have been so pissed off and I have ended up self harming. I think a lot of it is habit. He was asking about the self harm again and I said it's pretty much every day. He seemed to think it was a good thing that I had not self harmed more since I have been at home more. That shows how much he listens as I have said before, I never self harm in the day and it is late at night. So being on my own all day does not make one bit of difference.
He asked me if I had thoughts of doing anything else. Well, yeah, they are there most the time. But I didn't go in to detail. By this point I was just pissed off and wanted to leave.
I am getting a support worker or a CCO. He wants me to call them rather than self harm. Nope, doesn't work like that for me. If I decide I am going to self harm that is it. Also, I feel it's so ingrained in me that it happens so often that speaking to someone isn't going to help. But, what he did point out which was true was I wont talk to anyone who I don't know. And they will be there between my appointments with Sam. He did say would only be for 2-3 months. I don't see how I am going to get to know someone in that amount of time and trust them for them to be effective, so really what is the point? What if I don't like the person and don't feel as though I can talk to them at all. It's a bit of a waste of time really. I am being very negative aren't I?
So long story short. I am getting a CCO/Support Worker, albeit for a limited time. He has upped the dose of Quetiapine to 300mg. To be taken in one go. That's going to be fun then isn't it? He keeps going on about how is for aggitation and anxiety..."HELLLOOOOOO, have you not listened to a word I have said". I should get some sleep hopefully anyway as not slept the last 3 nights. And that was it. That was a horrible Psychiatrist appointment.
I was going to write about the other paranoia things but this is rather lomg as it is so I will save that for another post.
This bloody appointment has made me so angry. I want to cry when I am angry. I am not going to let this make me cry!
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Tonight's Thoughts.
Gonna be quick as I am knackered. But if I am using this as a diary thing I wanted to get down how I am feeling.
I am feeling nervous. I have an appointment with Dr T the Psychiatrist tomorrow and Sam is coming. I sort of wish she wasn't now. But it's too late to cancel as she has possibly re-arranged her diary to come and it would be rude of me to cancel on her. Also, I can kind of see some benefit of having someone else come with me. Especially someone who knows me better than Dr T. I have asked her to bring up that hyper stage if I forget and explain to him what I was like when she saw me. It's hard for me to recall things like that.
Anyway, I am nervous about the appointment also. I don't like going. My Mum has said she will give me a lift there and I will have to get a taxi back. My foot/ankle is still killing me. I don't know if they will be able to take the cast off on Friday if it is still so painful. But at the same time they want me to be moving it as they think there is ligament damage also which means it needs to be exercised. I have found if I have had quite an active day and I have put weight on it then it's worse after and the pain gets close to unbearable. I am taking combined Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. I struggle to take paracetamol. Especially when I am feeling suicidal or the thoughts are regular. It's like a flash back and I gag on them. When I don't feel that suicidal and the thoughts haven't been there it's easier to take them. Look at that for a bit of psychology.
I have joined Match.com. I know I don't really have time at the moment but I was bored and it gives me someone to talk to. Also, there are a few gigs and comedians playing that I haven't been able to go to that I would have liked to go to as my friends have different tastes than me. So even if I don't meet someone as a boyfriend I would like to meet a guy friend who will go to gigs etc with me. It's nice having guys in your life as they offer a different perspective and it's nice to have the company of a male sometimes rather than always being in female company.
So, I may possibly have some entertaining stories about what goes on. I have only paid for a month though and I am in cast for the next week. In hindsight perhaps I should have waited until the cast was off before going and paying £40 for a months membership.
Oh well. Hindsight is a great thing!
I am feeling nervous. I have an appointment with Dr T the Psychiatrist tomorrow and Sam is coming. I sort of wish she wasn't now. But it's too late to cancel as she has possibly re-arranged her diary to come and it would be rude of me to cancel on her. Also, I can kind of see some benefit of having someone else come with me. Especially someone who knows me better than Dr T. I have asked her to bring up that hyper stage if I forget and explain to him what I was like when she saw me. It's hard for me to recall things like that.
Anyway, I am nervous about the appointment also. I don't like going. My Mum has said she will give me a lift there and I will have to get a taxi back. My foot/ankle is still killing me. I don't know if they will be able to take the cast off on Friday if it is still so painful. But at the same time they want me to be moving it as they think there is ligament damage also which means it needs to be exercised. I have found if I have had quite an active day and I have put weight on it then it's worse after and the pain gets close to unbearable. I am taking combined Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. I struggle to take paracetamol. Especially when I am feeling suicidal or the thoughts are regular. It's like a flash back and I gag on them. When I don't feel that suicidal and the thoughts haven't been there it's easier to take them. Look at that for a bit of psychology.
I have joined Match.com. I know I don't really have time at the moment but I was bored and it gives me someone to talk to. Also, there are a few gigs and comedians playing that I haven't been able to go to that I would have liked to go to as my friends have different tastes than me. So even if I don't meet someone as a boyfriend I would like to meet a guy friend who will go to gigs etc with me. It's nice having guys in your life as they offer a different perspective and it's nice to have the company of a male sometimes rather than always being in female company.
So, I may possibly have some entertaining stories about what goes on. I have only paid for a month though and I am in cast for the next week. In hindsight perhaps I should have waited until the cast was off before going and paying £40 for a months membership.
Oh well. Hindsight is a great thing!
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Stuck In The Middle
I was speaking to my Mum earlier. My Dad has apparently said to my Mum he wants her to leave him. She has said to me, she doesn't be the one who wants to instigate it. But wants to. And asks me for my advice. I said to her as I have said a million times, talk about it nice and calmly when you have not had a drink! So she said to me, what do you know. You have had a drink. So what! I have said it so many times. I have said it when she storms in to my room at night asking me. I said it to my brother the other day. I think for both brothers they feel my Mum should leave him. I still feel like a child and want every thing to be good. They have been together nearly 35 years. I want to be the .4 child. I hate how she tells me the problems. I know I should get a grip. I am nearly 27. I am an adult. But I don't want all of that. I want them to sit down and talk about things. I can see my Mum's point. I can see how she would not want to be with him. He is saying that as of what she is feeling. But it wouldn't take that much to change his chauvinist ways. I think that would solve it. I do. I think.
But then I think they only married as my Mum was pregnant at 18. And back in 1976 it was not the done thing. Not when you are a nice catholic girl, with nice catholic parents, nice catholic middle class parents who's father was in politics and close on being a MP. And would have been if he hadn't have fallen over a balcony in County Hall. He was a VIP my Grandad. He couldn't have been seen with a teenage daughter who was pregnant and unmarried.
So where do I lie now. My Mum is now close on being MP. My Dad is not supportive. And I must say I voted for the other party. Not because I didn't want her in, but because her party doesn't quite tow the line I want to be following. I don't agree with a lot of their plans, so I voted the opposite way.
So here I am. Had to listen to the shit that goes on between them. Has to put up with the crap. I can't say what I think as no one listens to me.
I think I am going to ask my brother if I can stay at his over the next few days. I need to run away from this whole situation. I don't want to be brought in to it.
Is that bad? Is that wrong?
But then I think they only married as my Mum was pregnant at 18. And back in 1976 it was not the done thing. Not when you are a nice catholic girl, with nice catholic parents, nice catholic middle class parents who's father was in politics and close on being a MP. And would have been if he hadn't have fallen over a balcony in County Hall. He was a VIP my Grandad. He couldn't have been seen with a teenage daughter who was pregnant and unmarried.
So where do I lie now. My Mum is now close on being MP. My Dad is not supportive. And I must say I voted for the other party. Not because I didn't want her in, but because her party doesn't quite tow the line I want to be following. I don't agree with a lot of their plans, so I voted the opposite way.
So here I am. Had to listen to the shit that goes on between them. Has to put up with the crap. I can't say what I think as no one listens to me.
I think I am going to ask my brother if I can stay at his over the next few days. I need to run away from this whole situation. I don't want to be brought in to it.
Is that bad? Is that wrong?
Friday, 6 May 2011
Bath Time
Why the hell do crisis teams and everyone else suggest you take a bath. I hate baths. I am not a bath person. What is relaxing about wallowing in your own dirty water?
I have noticed it's not just me it is suggested to. From reading other peoples blogs it seems to be the suggested thing. What will a bath do? I'm feeling suicidal, well I'll drown myself, stick a toaster in the bath, etc etc.
It annoys me how they seem to have their standard responses to everything. Another one is go for a walk. OK. It's gone midnight. The area I live in, while it's very middle class, full of doctors, surgeons, professors, lawyers and the like there is also a LOT of crime. When I lived with Gom I lived in an area that was all terraced houses. Yet, for some strange reason I felt safer there. And I have never been a victim of any crime there. Yet, it's funny really. Doing what I am doing now, the drug addicts I work with refuse to live in that area as there are too many drug dealers and a lot of problems. I never saw that. I just thought it was full of will never amount to anything chavs. Yet, where I am now, there is no way I would go out on my own. I hate even going out for a cig at night even though I have a fully secure back garden. So going for a walk is not really an option. And, even during the day it isn't really. I find if I walk, I think. If I think then I get worse. Going for a walk and getting in to my head is really not for the best. Yeah, for some people it may work. You know, that whole take them away from the scene where they may self harm. But not me. I just think about it more while I am walking and then it's worse if I put it off.
Another one I have had...get a pet? I've got one thanks. I love her to bits, but I don't see what benefit it has. Also, I had a cat. He died suddenly. Not good for someone with suicidal tendencies lol! He was a FME though that's police doctor to anyone who doesn't know. It was after the 136 when he was one of the 2 docs (one of which was a psychiatrist) and the AMHP (social worker). The FME was probably more used to dealing with handcuff injuries at the police station than assessing me who is not quite right in the head.
I don't know what all this is. I don't think it's just depression. I don't feel that I meet the criteria for a PD. I don't meet enough of the criteria. Also, although they are not reliable but messing around on those online quiz things it doesn't come up as that either. So what is it?
Sam keeps talking about anxiety. I don't think I am an anxious person. I said I may self harm as a way to relieve the anxiety, but thinking about it I don't feel anxious when I self harm. My self harm is usually planned; if I know I am going to have the house to my self for a couple of days then I will plan on cutting. I have not cut since January. For me cutting is a process that can take hours and I need to know no one is in in case I get disturbed. So I blood let instead. Most nights I spend 5-10 minutes doing it. Sometimes longer if I can't find a vein. I don't feel anxious. Is it habit, is it addiction. Who knows. Sam kept saying how she thought I had come on a long way since starting counselling and that I am able to look more for reasons, rather than just saying I don't know. But I don't know. That's the thing. I just feel stupid saying I don't know as it is my answer for everything. And the way "they" view it all is that a supposedly intelligent girl should be able to have answers, should be looking for answers and have reasons, not just I don't know. But I DON'T KNOW!
Is it an attention thing? Do I like seeing a Psychiatrist and all these other people? Is it some kind of Munchhausen's where the symptoms are easier to make up? Well in truth. No. I don't think it's an attention thing. Surly if it was I would be telling more people about the self harm. But as it is I want to hide it. Hence moving from cutting to blood letting. I see it as a less severe method. No scars, no medical intervention. I honestly don't get what they are getting in to a tiz over it for. It's not like I am turning up at hospital needing treatment for cuts every day. They should be thankful it's not. This way I take up less resources.
I hate having a psychiatrist. I hate not being normal. I hate being reminded of this all the time. My thighs are a mass of scars. My left forearm has scars. I can not help but see them every day. Every day I am reminded that I am not normal. I hate it! I hate it so much it is one of the things that makes me think about suicide. OK, things may not be as low as they are all the time. But it's still there. The thoughts are still pretty much a constant. I watched Anna M earlier ( a French film...really good. It's still on iPlayer on BBC4, well worth a watch) and I admired her courage of jumping out in front of a car. Not a method I would choose but still. But I have the constant reminders that I am not normal. That I am not right in the head as I choose to harm myself by cutting. I am always going to have this. Say I do live until I am 40. Say I have a family, get married, settle down. Every time I go to the loo I am reminded at the way I am. It's shit!
The Munchausens thing? Again. One thing cutting and getting treatment but my way of self harming at the moment is blood letting which I don't require treatment for. If it was that wouldn't I be doing something that required more treatment. A thing that I could possibly do if it was that would be to take small OD's, present at the ED and get bloods, get the psych referral etc etc etc. Please don't read this as I think people who take small OD's only have Munchhausen's.
Munchhausen's is a funny thing. Don't you think it's slightly ironic that the way to treat a disorder which is classed as an attention seeking disorder is by giving that person attention from a psychiatric side. Oh well, just a thought of mine.
Before you say it. I am not pissed. I haven't had a drink even in over a week (wow I sound like an alcoholic saying that lol). I don't know what has set me off on one tonight. I couldn't sleep so watched a film, still couldn't sleep so came on here. And now here I am. This was only going to be a quick moan about "professionals" and their way that they think a person should deal with a crisis. Frankly, I find it patronising. As a supposedly intelligent person, if I found it somewhere in me that I needed to ring crisis line it would be because I can't cope. I would have tried all I can to try and cope. And to be then told, "take a bath, go for a walk", well I would feel like punching them and screaming. I would feel patronised. I think that is why I haven't rang crisis team before. I know what I should be doing and I do it. If it's not worked then I need more input than their stupid, generic responses that they give everyone who is feeling that they are in crisis.
Bloody hell. What has set me off on one tonight?
I have noticed it's not just me it is suggested to. From reading other peoples blogs it seems to be the suggested thing. What will a bath do? I'm feeling suicidal, well I'll drown myself, stick a toaster in the bath, etc etc.
It annoys me how they seem to have their standard responses to everything. Another one is go for a walk. OK. It's gone midnight. The area I live in, while it's very middle class, full of doctors, surgeons, professors, lawyers and the like there is also a LOT of crime. When I lived with Gom I lived in an area that was all terraced houses. Yet, for some strange reason I felt safer there. And I have never been a victim of any crime there. Yet, it's funny really. Doing what I am doing now, the drug addicts I work with refuse to live in that area as there are too many drug dealers and a lot of problems. I never saw that. I just thought it was full of will never amount to anything chavs. Yet, where I am now, there is no way I would go out on my own. I hate even going out for a cig at night even though I have a fully secure back garden. So going for a walk is not really an option. And, even during the day it isn't really. I find if I walk, I think. If I think then I get worse. Going for a walk and getting in to my head is really not for the best. Yeah, for some people it may work. You know, that whole take them away from the scene where they may self harm. But not me. I just think about it more while I am walking and then it's worse if I put it off.
Another one I have had...get a pet? I've got one thanks. I love her to bits, but I don't see what benefit it has. Also, I had a cat. He died suddenly. Not good for someone with suicidal tendencies lol! He was a FME though that's police doctor to anyone who doesn't know. It was after the 136 when he was one of the 2 docs (one of which was a psychiatrist) and the AMHP (social worker). The FME was probably more used to dealing with handcuff injuries at the police station than assessing me who is not quite right in the head.
I don't know what all this is. I don't think it's just depression. I don't feel that I meet the criteria for a PD. I don't meet enough of the criteria. Also, although they are not reliable but messing around on those online quiz things it doesn't come up as that either. So what is it?
Sam keeps talking about anxiety. I don't think I am an anxious person. I said I may self harm as a way to relieve the anxiety, but thinking about it I don't feel anxious when I self harm. My self harm is usually planned; if I know I am going to have the house to my self for a couple of days then I will plan on cutting. I have not cut since January. For me cutting is a process that can take hours and I need to know no one is in in case I get disturbed. So I blood let instead. Most nights I spend 5-10 minutes doing it. Sometimes longer if I can't find a vein. I don't feel anxious. Is it habit, is it addiction. Who knows. Sam kept saying how she thought I had come on a long way since starting counselling and that I am able to look more for reasons, rather than just saying I don't know. But I don't know. That's the thing. I just feel stupid saying I don't know as it is my answer for everything. And the way "they" view it all is that a supposedly intelligent girl should be able to have answers, should be looking for answers and have reasons, not just I don't know. But I DON'T KNOW!
Is it an attention thing? Do I like seeing a Psychiatrist and all these other people? Is it some kind of Munchhausen's where the symptoms are easier to make up? Well in truth. No. I don't think it's an attention thing. Surly if it was I would be telling more people about the self harm. But as it is I want to hide it. Hence moving from cutting to blood letting. I see it as a less severe method. No scars, no medical intervention. I honestly don't get what they are getting in to a tiz over it for. It's not like I am turning up at hospital needing treatment for cuts every day. They should be thankful it's not. This way I take up less resources.
I hate having a psychiatrist. I hate not being normal. I hate being reminded of this all the time. My thighs are a mass of scars. My left forearm has scars. I can not help but see them every day. Every day I am reminded that I am not normal. I hate it! I hate it so much it is one of the things that makes me think about suicide. OK, things may not be as low as they are all the time. But it's still there. The thoughts are still pretty much a constant. I watched Anna M earlier ( a French film...really good. It's still on iPlayer on BBC4, well worth a watch) and I admired her courage of jumping out in front of a car. Not a method I would choose but still. But I have the constant reminders that I am not normal. That I am not right in the head as I choose to harm myself by cutting. I am always going to have this. Say I do live until I am 40. Say I have a family, get married, settle down. Every time I go to the loo I am reminded at the way I am. It's shit!
The Munchausens thing? Again. One thing cutting and getting treatment but my way of self harming at the moment is blood letting which I don't require treatment for. If it was that wouldn't I be doing something that required more treatment. A thing that I could possibly do if it was that would be to take small OD's, present at the ED and get bloods, get the psych referral etc etc etc. Please don't read this as I think people who take small OD's only have Munchhausen's.
Munchhausen's is a funny thing. Don't you think it's slightly ironic that the way to treat a disorder which is classed as an attention seeking disorder is by giving that person attention from a psychiatric side. Oh well, just a thought of mine.
Before you say it. I am not pissed. I haven't had a drink even in over a week (wow I sound like an alcoholic saying that lol). I don't know what has set me off on one tonight. I couldn't sleep so watched a film, still couldn't sleep so came on here. And now here I am. This was only going to be a quick moan about "professionals" and their way that they think a person should deal with a crisis. Frankly, I find it patronising. As a supposedly intelligent person, if I found it somewhere in me that I needed to ring crisis line it would be because I can't cope. I would have tried all I can to try and cope. And to be then told, "take a bath, go for a walk", well I would feel like punching them and screaming. I would feel patronised. I think that is why I haven't rang crisis team before. I know what I should be doing and I do it. If it's not worked then I need more input than their stupid, generic responses that they give everyone who is feeling that they are in crisis.
Bloody hell. What has set me off on one tonight?
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Counselling
Just had my first counselling appointment in 3 weeks. It went ok. Sam said I seem a lot calmer and more chilled out. The most I have done since she has met me. I said this is probably due to the morphine as nothing much has changed. I explained how I have come out of the hyper-ness and this was probably due to the morphine as I was dosed up with it from when I went in and it knocked me out.
I think Sam seems to think I have an alcohol problem. Yeah I fell over while pissed. OK I drank 3 bottles of wine which was very excessive. I am aware of that. But it's not very often that happens. I will occasionally get a bottle of wine at the weekend and have that to myself in front of the TV, but, it's not all the time. Or every night. Or even regularly. She said she was surprised at the fact that my parents drink a lot and I don't like being around them when they're pissed that I drink. The way she said it was as though I have a problem. I drink less than my friends do and it's not as though I only self harm when I have been drinking. Sometimes I use drink as a self harm thing but it's not a regular thing. I know I sound defensive about this and that makes it seem as though I possibly have a problem but I have actually seen someone before about my drinking. This was someone from an alcohol problem place. They said I didn't have a problem with alcohol but sometimes I used alcohol as a method of self harm.
I suppose not remembering parts of nights is a worry. But a lot of people, a lot of my friends, a lot of people my age, who binge drink it is the same thing. I did say however, I have a lot of bruises on my thighs and around my groin area from the night I broke my foot which concerns me. They look like finger print bruises and I don't know where they came from. Sam asked if someone was with me all the time. I think someone was so I don't think anyone hurt me. Also I think I would remember something like that as it's pretty big.
Sam kept describing how I was as appearing anxious and it seemed as though I was in a heightened state of anxiety. I said I wasn't feeling that anxious and I quite liked the way I was as it was productive. Other than the increased paranoia I would rather be like that than low. I explained how I was paranoid a lot of the time though and so it wasn't much change. I dunno what it is.
I told her how I had doubled up on Quetiapine as I had got dose wrong of tablet hospital had given me. I said since being in hospital I had felt better over the past week but I didn't know if this was the morphine or quetiapine. Because, really, I haven't got anything to feel better about. In fact I should be feeling like shit considering what is going off. I am so stressed out with uni work and I have got so much to do. Sam said I have extenuating circumstances though so I can get an extension. My course director obviously told her I could have those if I wanted. I don't want them for my mentalness though. I may need them for my leg as of missing days on placement and being zombied on morphine. I would rather not take them. I need to take advantage of working from home over the next 2days and get on with some uni stuff. I am worrying about it and the more I worry the more I put it off. It's typical of me. Running away from my problems.
The self harm is still pretty much the same and we discussed that. We discussed different things which could possibly lead to me self harming and why I do. I don't know why I do it. But I feel as though "I don't know" is not a good enough answer so I try and think of things to say what it could be. Sam seems to think me being able to come up with reasons is progress. I am not so sure. Me keep saying what it could be and then focusing on that, I don't think is right. If it's not that then the problem is still there and it's not going to go away. And. I don't honestly think I will stop self harming. I say I want to but, I get so much from it. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't be saying that. Perhaps me saying that in it's self is enough to warrant me being in counselling and under a Psychiatrist. But, I get a lot from self harming. I don't know why I do it. I don't know what led to it. I would rather be someone who didn't need to self harm but as it is I do. As it is I don't think I want to stop. To the professionals I say I do want to stop. I just don't see it happening. I don't see not being suicidal. I don't see me ever being normal. I am always going to have this with me. The scars are always going to remind me just how good it feels as the blood trickles down my leg, as the razor slices through flesh and you can see it parting. That drug like feeling. The feeling as I find a vein with the needle and the drip drip drip. It's ecstasy. In fact it's better than that, I've done that and the feeling on that is not as good. I don't think I've admitted that to anyone before. In fact, I don't think I have admitted it to myself before. So what do I do?
What do I do? Should I be in counselling? Should I stop until the time comes when I want to stop? What if I never want to stop? Will I end up killing myself. What if I tell them I don't want to stop? Will they force me in to hospital? Is it worse that I don't want to stop? Should I just keep that to myself? Questions questions questions.
I suppose in a way writing a blog is good for me. It helps me articulate my feelings. I wonder if I would have been able to come to that conclusion without the blog. What is self harm?
What is self harm to you?
xxx
I think Sam seems to think I have an alcohol problem. Yeah I fell over while pissed. OK I drank 3 bottles of wine which was very excessive. I am aware of that. But it's not very often that happens. I will occasionally get a bottle of wine at the weekend and have that to myself in front of the TV, but, it's not all the time. Or every night. Or even regularly. She said she was surprised at the fact that my parents drink a lot and I don't like being around them when they're pissed that I drink. The way she said it was as though I have a problem. I drink less than my friends do and it's not as though I only self harm when I have been drinking. Sometimes I use drink as a self harm thing but it's not a regular thing. I know I sound defensive about this and that makes it seem as though I possibly have a problem but I have actually seen someone before about my drinking. This was someone from an alcohol problem place. They said I didn't have a problem with alcohol but sometimes I used alcohol as a method of self harm.
I suppose not remembering parts of nights is a worry. But a lot of people, a lot of my friends, a lot of people my age, who binge drink it is the same thing. I did say however, I have a lot of bruises on my thighs and around my groin area from the night I broke my foot which concerns me. They look like finger print bruises and I don't know where they came from. Sam asked if someone was with me all the time. I think someone was so I don't think anyone hurt me. Also I think I would remember something like that as it's pretty big.
Sam kept describing how I was as appearing anxious and it seemed as though I was in a heightened state of anxiety. I said I wasn't feeling that anxious and I quite liked the way I was as it was productive. Other than the increased paranoia I would rather be like that than low. I explained how I was paranoid a lot of the time though and so it wasn't much change. I dunno what it is.
I told her how I had doubled up on Quetiapine as I had got dose wrong of tablet hospital had given me. I said since being in hospital I had felt better over the past week but I didn't know if this was the morphine or quetiapine. Because, really, I haven't got anything to feel better about. In fact I should be feeling like shit considering what is going off. I am so stressed out with uni work and I have got so much to do. Sam said I have extenuating circumstances though so I can get an extension. My course director obviously told her I could have those if I wanted. I don't want them for my mentalness though. I may need them for my leg as of missing days on placement and being zombied on morphine. I would rather not take them. I need to take advantage of working from home over the next 2days and get on with some uni stuff. I am worrying about it and the more I worry the more I put it off. It's typical of me. Running away from my problems.
The self harm is still pretty much the same and we discussed that. We discussed different things which could possibly lead to me self harming and why I do. I don't know why I do it. But I feel as though "I don't know" is not a good enough answer so I try and think of things to say what it could be. Sam seems to think me being able to come up with reasons is progress. I am not so sure. Me keep saying what it could be and then focusing on that, I don't think is right. If it's not that then the problem is still there and it's not going to go away. And. I don't honestly think I will stop self harming. I say I want to but, I get so much from it. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't be saying that. Perhaps me saying that in it's self is enough to warrant me being in counselling and under a Psychiatrist. But, I get a lot from self harming. I don't know why I do it. I don't know what led to it. I would rather be someone who didn't need to self harm but as it is I do. As it is I don't think I want to stop. To the professionals I say I do want to stop. I just don't see it happening. I don't see not being suicidal. I don't see me ever being normal. I am always going to have this with me. The scars are always going to remind me just how good it feels as the blood trickles down my leg, as the razor slices through flesh and you can see it parting. That drug like feeling. The feeling as I find a vein with the needle and the drip drip drip. It's ecstasy. In fact it's better than that, I've done that and the feeling on that is not as good. I don't think I've admitted that to anyone before. In fact, I don't think I have admitted it to myself before. So what do I do?
What do I do? Should I be in counselling? Should I stop until the time comes when I want to stop? What if I never want to stop? Will I end up killing myself. What if I tell them I don't want to stop? Will they force me in to hospital? Is it worse that I don't want to stop? Should I just keep that to myself? Questions questions questions.
I suppose in a way writing a blog is good for me. It helps me articulate my feelings. I wonder if I would have been able to come to that conclusion without the blog. What is self harm?
What is self harm to you?
xxx
Fed Up.
I am so fed up. And pissed off. It's my Dad that is causing it. He is driving me insane. He has a go at me for something he does all the time. I would say first off but it's not the first off. Yesterday he was talking to me like shit. We were sat there having lunch and the door bell went. He was sitting right next to it. I couldn't move or get it as takes me an hour to do anything. But he shouts at my mum to get it. She is in the other room having her lunch. So I said "don't ask mum to get it, she's in the other room having her lunch" he states he didn't know. So I said something along the lines of well she said she was and she only walked past you 2 minutes ago holding her lunch and saying she was going in the other room. All this time there is someone standing at the door and he can just see me and my Dad sitting there. So I try and get up and he has a go at me for trying to get up when I am in pain, so he shouts my Mum again. I am so pissed off at him. He then has the cheek to have a go at me for having attitude. So I said I don't talk to you any worse than you talk to Mum or me.
Then my brother was making tea after evening dinner. He shouts in will someone make him a coffee. He is sat on the computer messing around on photo shop. We shout that my brother is making tea and he says "well I want coffee you;ll just have to make me a coffee then"! His attitude stinks. He expects everyone to run around after him. He'll tell my mum to go get something for him from the kitchen when they are both sitting there and it's something he wants. A drink, some wine, an orange, some cream, toothpicks, anything. It drives me mad how he expects people to run around after him.
It's always been like this but usually I hide out in my bedroom. But with being like I am at the moment I can't escape. I am having to rely on people to get me things. I hate asking. I really do. I hate having people have to run round after me.
Today. My nephews come at about 8am. All I can hear is him. My nephews are 2 years and one at 4 months. He makes more noise than them both put together.All I can hear is him. I go downstairs at 9.30am after he has gone out as I am pissed at him for waking me up and just being noisy. He is like it all the time. He has baby talk tourettes. It gets to me so much. I can't stand being around when there's him and my nephews as it just pisses me off and really gets to me.
So I spend the morning doing uni work and work work in my room. I decide to have a shower and go downstairs to get a drink. He's there and starts making comments how I have just decided to get up and grace my nephews with my presence. When he got back I was in the shower and then getting ready. I go down stairs and my mum asks me to watch the 2 year old while he has his lunch. So I am sat there talking to him and my dad starts having a go at me for being noisy. And then making loads of snide comments. I snapped in the end and said "you stand need to talk with the way you are so don't you dare have a go at me when I am not even being noisy"! I am so sick of it all. I am fed up. I am sick of being stuck in the house all the time. I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything.
I have again retreated to my room. I love my nephews but I don't want to be around when he is around as it winds me up so much. I can't stand the sight of him at the moment and I hate the way he talks to my Mum and expects every one to run around after him. He can't look after the kids as he doesn't know what he is doing. He expects everyone to do the bad things that they don't like like nappy changing. The other day he left tea on the side and let the 2 year old wander in to the kitchen and as an after thought he said "oh, you best go see what he is doing as there is a cup of tea on the side". He doesn't think. He doesn't watch them properly. It drives me mad. He winds them up on purpose and then gets annoyed when they are being noisy. He does the same to the dog and makes her bark and then shouts at her really loudly scaring her when it is him who did that. I am so bloody angry. So angry that the whole situation makes me cry. I always cry when I am angry. Not good.
I really want to spend some time with my nephews but I can't when he is around. He takes over and then expects me to do the things that they don't like like wiping their hands, washing their face, changing his nappy etc. And then says things like "ohhh, nasty Aunty GP making you do that". It makes them play up even more and makes the job a lot harder than it should be.
I feel bad saying all these things but I am so pissed off, so fed up that I can't cope. I can't concentrate on anything. It makes me never want to go downstairs. I can hear him now shouting and being noisy. I hate it. I look forward to the nights he is out. Which unfortunately is only Tuesdays. I wish he would just go and do some bloody work.
And to top it all off. My cast foot is wet. It got wet in the shower and now it's all soggy and cold. Feels horrible.
Then my brother was making tea after evening dinner. He shouts in will someone make him a coffee. He is sat on the computer messing around on photo shop. We shout that my brother is making tea and he says "well I want coffee you;ll just have to make me a coffee then"! His attitude stinks. He expects everyone to run around after him. He'll tell my mum to go get something for him from the kitchen when they are both sitting there and it's something he wants. A drink, some wine, an orange, some cream, toothpicks, anything. It drives me mad how he expects people to run around after him.
It's always been like this but usually I hide out in my bedroom. But with being like I am at the moment I can't escape. I am having to rely on people to get me things. I hate asking. I really do. I hate having people have to run round after me.
Today. My nephews come at about 8am. All I can hear is him. My nephews are 2 years and one at 4 months. He makes more noise than them both put together.All I can hear is him. I go downstairs at 9.30am after he has gone out as I am pissed at him for waking me up and just being noisy. He is like it all the time. He has baby talk tourettes. It gets to me so much. I can't stand being around when there's him and my nephews as it just pisses me off and really gets to me.
So I spend the morning doing uni work and work work in my room. I decide to have a shower and go downstairs to get a drink. He's there and starts making comments how I have just decided to get up and grace my nephews with my presence. When he got back I was in the shower and then getting ready. I go down stairs and my mum asks me to watch the 2 year old while he has his lunch. So I am sat there talking to him and my dad starts having a go at me for being noisy. And then making loads of snide comments. I snapped in the end and said "you stand need to talk with the way you are so don't you dare have a go at me when I am not even being noisy"! I am so sick of it all. I am fed up. I am sick of being stuck in the house all the time. I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything.
I have again retreated to my room. I love my nephews but I don't want to be around when he is around as it winds me up so much. I can't stand the sight of him at the moment and I hate the way he talks to my Mum and expects every one to run around after him. He can't look after the kids as he doesn't know what he is doing. He expects everyone to do the bad things that they don't like like nappy changing. The other day he left tea on the side and let the 2 year old wander in to the kitchen and as an after thought he said "oh, you best go see what he is doing as there is a cup of tea on the side". He doesn't think. He doesn't watch them properly. It drives me mad. He winds them up on purpose and then gets annoyed when they are being noisy. He does the same to the dog and makes her bark and then shouts at her really loudly scaring her when it is him who did that. I am so bloody angry. So angry that the whole situation makes me cry. I always cry when I am angry. Not good.
I really want to spend some time with my nephews but I can't when he is around. He takes over and then expects me to do the things that they don't like like wiping their hands, washing their face, changing his nappy etc. And then says things like "ohhh, nasty Aunty GP making you do that". It makes them play up even more and makes the job a lot harder than it should be.
I feel bad saying all these things but I am so pissed off, so fed up that I can't cope. I can't concentrate on anything. It makes me never want to go downstairs. I can hear him now shouting and being noisy. I hate it. I look forward to the nights he is out. Which unfortunately is only Tuesdays. I wish he would just go and do some bloody work.
And to top it all off. My cast foot is wet. It got wet in the shower and now it's all soggy and cold. Feels horrible.
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Nerves
I have an appointment with Sam tomorrow. I am nervous. I don't know why. I have nothing major to tell her. I will talk about how I broke my foot and how I blame myself. But I don't know why I am nervous about it.
I suppose last time I saw her I was a bit hyper, or as Sam said like I had taken amphetamines. This only really stopped the day after I broke my foot because I was dosed up on morphine. I've also got an appointment with Dr T on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. Sam said she is coming with me. I have asked her to. She keeps offering all the time to come to different appointments with me so I thought I would take her up on the offer. I never seem to remember what has been said.
I still feel that Dr T is wanting to section me. I know Sam has spoke to him and has tried to reassure me that it is not the case. But I still have this horrible feeling that is the route he is following. He mentioned Mental Health Act Assessments and I still never really got a proper answer about it. It is like he is avoiding answering it. Is seeing a psychiatrist every month pretty normal in terms of amount of times I see him? How often do you see your Psychiatrist?
I am a bit all over the place today. It doesn't help that I have run out of morphine and dihydrocodeine now and I am in quite a lot of pain. I am sick of being cooped up in the house having to rely on people to do everything for me. It is driving me insane. My Dad is also not helping as he is in one of his moods. And I am getting pissed off with him as he expects my Mum to run around after him all the time. It drives me mad. And then he had the cheek to have a go at me for speaking to him with attitude (when I wasn't really I was just pulling him up on what he was doing and he didn't like it) when he was talking to me like crap. It's one rule for him and another for everyone else. I love him but at the same time I can't bare to be around him. He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he was not supposed to be getting back until today but he got back last Thursday instead. When I was told he was coming home early I was disappointed. It's awful isn't it? Maybe it's just me being over sensitive as I am so fed up. I have another 10days of not being able to do anything. And that's at the earliest. I have to go back for physio and it's not certain that the cast will be coming off then. It's just a trial. I am so fed up of all of this. I need my space. I need to be able to get out on my own. I hate being stuck inside all day and then having to rely on everyone as I can't even get myself a drink and take it to watch TV. I've had enough.
So I am trying at working from home. I don't have the motivation at the moment to do it. I am panicking about uni work and what I need to be doing for this and I am going mad with worry about that but, keep putting it off.
So I have the appointment with Sam tomorrow. I suppose I could just talk about how I a feeling at the moment. I suppose that is what I will do.
I feel so angry and pissed off.
I suppose last time I saw her I was a bit hyper, or as Sam said like I had taken amphetamines. This only really stopped the day after I broke my foot because I was dosed up on morphine. I've also got an appointment with Dr T on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. Sam said she is coming with me. I have asked her to. She keeps offering all the time to come to different appointments with me so I thought I would take her up on the offer. I never seem to remember what has been said.
I still feel that Dr T is wanting to section me. I know Sam has spoke to him and has tried to reassure me that it is not the case. But I still have this horrible feeling that is the route he is following. He mentioned Mental Health Act Assessments and I still never really got a proper answer about it. It is like he is avoiding answering it. Is seeing a psychiatrist every month pretty normal in terms of amount of times I see him? How often do you see your Psychiatrist?
I am a bit all over the place today. It doesn't help that I have run out of morphine and dihydrocodeine now and I am in quite a lot of pain. I am sick of being cooped up in the house having to rely on people to do everything for me. It is driving me insane. My Dad is also not helping as he is in one of his moods. And I am getting pissed off with him as he expects my Mum to run around after him all the time. It drives me mad. And then he had the cheek to have a go at me for speaking to him with attitude (when I wasn't really I was just pulling him up on what he was doing and he didn't like it) when he was talking to me like crap. It's one rule for him and another for everyone else. I love him but at the same time I can't bare to be around him. He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he was not supposed to be getting back until today but he got back last Thursday instead. When I was told he was coming home early I was disappointed. It's awful isn't it? Maybe it's just me being over sensitive as I am so fed up. I have another 10days of not being able to do anything. And that's at the earliest. I have to go back for physio and it's not certain that the cast will be coming off then. It's just a trial. I am so fed up of all of this. I need my space. I need to be able to get out on my own. I hate being stuck inside all day and then having to rely on everyone as I can't even get myself a drink and take it to watch TV. I've had enough.
So I am trying at working from home. I don't have the motivation at the moment to do it. I am panicking about uni work and what I need to be doing for this and I am going mad with worry about that but, keep putting it off.
So I have the appointment with Sam tomorrow. I suppose I could just talk about how I a feeling at the moment. I suppose that is what I will do.
I feel so angry and pissed off.
Help?
I need help.
I have to think of a dissertation research question that I have to write 15000 words on. I want to do a research study (quantitative) and I want it to be around mental health and possibly stigmatisation. I want to highlight somehow that even social workers carry a stigma towards mental health and how holding these prejudices could effect their practice. It seems quite basic though.
My ideas so far have been show that even if people aren't aware of the prejudices they hold that they are there. How I was going to show this would be taking a description of a person. Make them sound like the best person in the world. Then on one condition make a vignette that they have a mental health problem then on the other not mention it. Then I was going to ask questions to the person reading it about things like how likeable they find the person, how likely they would be to date the person, etc etc. And then compare the 2 groups. I don't know how I could relate this to social work though.
I want to write about mental health and I want to do my own study as I feel that would be easier than a 15000 literature report as I have already done research reports before when doing my psychology degree. I am used to the format of research reports and it is what I am comfortable with.
So I need help with ideas. It has to relate to social work somehow and also about how it would enable a social worker to be aware of any anti oppressive practice and how they may bring their own values in to their practice and how this can be avoided. Please please please help me as I am really struggling with all of this.
Thanks
xxxx
I have to think of a dissertation research question that I have to write 15000 words on. I want to do a research study (quantitative) and I want it to be around mental health and possibly stigmatisation. I want to highlight somehow that even social workers carry a stigma towards mental health and how holding these prejudices could effect their practice. It seems quite basic though.
My ideas so far have been show that even if people aren't aware of the prejudices they hold that they are there. How I was going to show this would be taking a description of a person. Make them sound like the best person in the world. Then on one condition make a vignette that they have a mental health problem then on the other not mention it. Then I was going to ask questions to the person reading it about things like how likeable they find the person, how likely they would be to date the person, etc etc. And then compare the 2 groups. I don't know how I could relate this to social work though.
I want to write about mental health and I want to do my own study as I feel that would be easier than a 15000 literature report as I have already done research reports before when doing my psychology degree. I am used to the format of research reports and it is what I am comfortable with.
So I need help with ideas. It has to relate to social work somehow and also about how it would enable a social worker to be aware of any anti oppressive practice and how they may bring their own values in to their practice and how this can be avoided. Please please please help me as I am really struggling with all of this.
Thanks
xxxx
Monday, 2 May 2011
Patients and Professionals.
I thought I would give the blog carnival thing a go this month. The Madosphere is hosting it and I am going to have a go at making a contribution.
The theme...Patients and Professionals.
I am not usually one for joining in with things but this theme kind of spoke out to me. You see, I have experience of both sides.
Currently I am doing a Masters in Social Work. My aim; to be a mental health social worker. I want to do my AMHP's training and work as part of a crisis team. To get on to the course I have worked as a support worker in hospitals on the psychiatric wards. I have previously written about my experience of working on a ward and how I was attacked by a patient which landed me in hospital having a CT scan and being off work with concussion and work related injury. I had a comment on that post saying that I provoked that person just by being who I was and having restrained people in the past. As a support worker no one likes restraining people. It is done only as a last resort of in an emergency situation if they are endangering their own life or they are likely to cause harm to another person.
Restraining someone is horrible. It's uncomfortable, it's hot, it's sweaty and you can end up with your head in body parts of other members of staff that usually you would wait a good few dates before going there. There is techniques you learn where everyone has their part and place. It's choreographed. In theory it works smoothly and doesn't cause you as a restrainer any pain. In practice, it's messy. You grab on to the bit that is flying towards your face and don't let go. Getting down on to the floor is not the nice 3 movements that is practiced but more of a stumble and then you right yourself in to position. Very rarely do you have the nice 3 steps.
There is more to being a support worker than restraining someone though. A lot more. When people ask what I do (or did) the usual reply is "I couldn't do your job". I even had it from police officers. I went in to the job taking a £13k a year pay cut. So when patients in their anger said to me "you only do this for the money". No. I don't do it for the money as the money is shit! Yes. It is really shit. In my first job when I would work a 60 hour week every other week and a 30 hour week every other I was taking home less than £900 per month. I did the job because I wanted to do something with my life that was meaningful. Working as a sales manager in a high street bank was not meaningful. Ok, I used it as a stepping stone to get somewhere else but the somewhere else has the same reasons behind it. I want to be in a professional role that means something. I want to feel as though I am making a difference.
Having worked in a few different settings I have found the same attitude from professionals. And that would be a long the lines of "not another PD", ( can I just say here I appreciate I may look as though I am being demeaning by referring to it as PD, however, can I assure you I am not it's just that it is a lot quicker to type PD than personality disorder each time) "why waste resources on PD's, they are never going to change", "that's typical PD, attention seeking, look at me behaviour". I have also seen how quick they are to diagnose PD. It seems to be the first thing that is diagnosed. "You are female, you self harm, then that has to be PD".
I have seen professionals make jokes about patients and their diagnosis. Not exactly professional. Some of the professionals I have worked with really should not be doing what they are doing. I have had doctors tell me how much they hate their job and they followed the Psychiatry route as they thought it would be easier. OK, having a joke sometimes can make the job a little easier. In my first role there used to be quite lot a jokes made while in restraint. Not because they thought it was funny, not at the patients expense but because it was a highly stressful situation to be in and it dispersed some of the fear/stress/tension that they may have been feeling. But to joke about patients themselves it doesn't look good. Joke with patients but not at them. There is a thing going round on the internet about being a psychiatric nurse...
I have found working in mental health a lot of the people I know who work in the same area do so because they have had their own mental health problems. What draws people to it. Is it because they are looking for answers about why they are like they are. I was drawn to it because of my own experiences.
I have seen it from both sides from professional and from patient. I have never been an inpatient (unless you count the 9 hours on a section 136). But I have had lots and lots of dealings within mental health services for my self. Does having the experience give me an advantage? And who has the advantage?
Well, in some ways yes. I feel I can benefit from having worked in that as it makes me more patient when it comes to receiving services. I know there are big shortages within the area. I know there is a strain on the area and it makes me more patient when I know why I am having to wait. I don't have the "they don't care, I am not important enough, I don't matter" kind of thoughts. Because of this I am patiently waiting and they don't have me on the phone chasing things up all the time (I am not saying that people who haven't worked in mental health would be, but it's the kind of person I am...I don't have much patience when it comes to things like this....being told I can have something but not knowing when and having to wait).
I do feel though when I am being interviewed by a professional for the first time or for example by the psych medicine department (which always interview you after you have received treatment for self harm), I have feel as though I get an attitude of "you should know better than to self harm, than to try and kill yourself". It's like because I have experience in that area I should see what it's all about and not do it as it is stupid. And the intelligence thing. Do intelligent people not have mental health problems, do they not self harm? What the hell has being intelligent got to do with anything?
There are disadvantages also.
The embarrassment.
I am so embarrassed by the things I have done. I hate being the way that I am. If someone said to me can I take away the self harm that it never happened and take away all the issues and interestingness I would jump at it. Mental health is so stigmatised. You would think as a person doing what I do and what I want to do I would possibly be able to be more open about things. But not at all. I am ashamed of the way that I am and I do what I can to hide it. If other people have mental health problems I am fine with it. I am not prejudiced at all. But when it comes to myself. I feel the stigma.
This also comes in when waiting in a waiting room and you see someone you know. I have seen ex patients numerous times now. Luckily I have not been recognised but I am embarrassed by it. There is also meeting someone in a professional context after you have met them in the patient-professional. And the other way around. Like when I was 136'd and taken to local hospital, the people that were on duty were people I had worked with numerous times. It was shameful. And I know. As a person training to be professional I shouldn't probably feel this way.
Another possible disadvantage is that I know how to work the system. In that I can say the right things to avoid being hospitalised. There are buzz words I know not to say...like when you are flying you know not to say the b word. It's the same with this. My biggest fear is hospital. I'm sure if they knew what was going round in my head.. Or if they even read this there would probably be doubts about my ability to keep myself safe etc. They know that I self harm everyday. But they don't know my thoughts.
As a patient I don't feel that I have a very good relationship with the professionals. I am not very honest with them and I keep a hell of a lot of information to myself.
This is going to sound weird but, I like to think because I am also a fellow "professional" I am treated differently than I would do if I was Joe Bloggs. That they are more open with me, that they are more relaxed and they don't need to follow a strict protocol as I'm in the know and all that shebang. That is probably not the case though.
As a professional I am the patient I hate. The one who is stubborn, is set in her ways, wont listen to people, wont try certain things, and has things keep happening even though I have worked really hard putting a lot of effort in to working with her and yet she goes and messes it up and un does all my hard work.
I am an awful patient. I bet there are worse ones than me though!
The theme...Patients and Professionals.
I am not usually one for joining in with things but this theme kind of spoke out to me. You see, I have experience of both sides.
Currently I am doing a Masters in Social Work. My aim; to be a mental health social worker. I want to do my AMHP's training and work as part of a crisis team. To get on to the course I have worked as a support worker in hospitals on the psychiatric wards. I have previously written about my experience of working on a ward and how I was attacked by a patient which landed me in hospital having a CT scan and being off work with concussion and work related injury. I had a comment on that post saying that I provoked that person just by being who I was and having restrained people in the past. As a support worker no one likes restraining people. It is done only as a last resort of in an emergency situation if they are endangering their own life or they are likely to cause harm to another person.
Restraining someone is horrible. It's uncomfortable, it's hot, it's sweaty and you can end up with your head in body parts of other members of staff that usually you would wait a good few dates before going there. There is techniques you learn where everyone has their part and place. It's choreographed. In theory it works smoothly and doesn't cause you as a restrainer any pain. In practice, it's messy. You grab on to the bit that is flying towards your face and don't let go. Getting down on to the floor is not the nice 3 movements that is practiced but more of a stumble and then you right yourself in to position. Very rarely do you have the nice 3 steps.
There is more to being a support worker than restraining someone though. A lot more. When people ask what I do (or did) the usual reply is "I couldn't do your job". I even had it from police officers. I went in to the job taking a £13k a year pay cut. So when patients in their anger said to me "you only do this for the money". No. I don't do it for the money as the money is shit! Yes. It is really shit. In my first job when I would work a 60 hour week every other week and a 30 hour week every other I was taking home less than £900 per month. I did the job because I wanted to do something with my life that was meaningful. Working as a sales manager in a high street bank was not meaningful. Ok, I used it as a stepping stone to get somewhere else but the somewhere else has the same reasons behind it. I want to be in a professional role that means something. I want to feel as though I am making a difference.
Having worked in a few different settings I have found the same attitude from professionals. And that would be a long the lines of "not another PD", ( can I just say here I appreciate I may look as though I am being demeaning by referring to it as PD, however, can I assure you I am not it's just that it is a lot quicker to type PD than personality disorder each time) "why waste resources on PD's, they are never going to change", "that's typical PD, attention seeking, look at me behaviour". I have also seen how quick they are to diagnose PD. It seems to be the first thing that is diagnosed. "You are female, you self harm, then that has to be PD".
I have seen professionals make jokes about patients and their diagnosis. Not exactly professional. Some of the professionals I have worked with really should not be doing what they are doing. I have had doctors tell me how much they hate their job and they followed the Psychiatry route as they thought it would be easier. OK, having a joke sometimes can make the job a little easier. In my first role there used to be quite lot a jokes made while in restraint. Not because they thought it was funny, not at the patients expense but because it was a highly stressful situation to be in and it dispersed some of the fear/stress/tension that they may have been feeling. But to joke about patients themselves it doesn't look good. Joke with patients but not at them. There is a thing going round on the internet about being a psychiatric nurse...
You know when you're a psych nurse when...
1. The words 'Sorry, what?!?' Come out of your mouth at least twice a day.
2. A lighter is as vital a part of your working equipment as a ballpoint pen.
3. You're more worried about the staff then the patients.
4. You spend your first shift feeling like batman with half the stuff you have to wear on your belt.
5. The first hour of your shift is gossip and cuppa time.
6. You realise you're called a nurse because they couldn't fit nurse-councillor-cleaner-cook-occupational therapist-social worker-Mother-security-clown-voice of reason-secretary-bank clerk-typist-public relations-personal shopper- maid-waitress- expected expert on everything there is to know ever, on your name badge.
7. You've ever had to stuff your fist into your mouth to stop yourself laughing because it's just not professional.
8. You'll quite happily throttle anyone who suggests you're not a 'proper' nurse.
9. You're amazed at the sheer randomness of the things you're paid to do.
9. You're amazed at the sheer randomness of the things you're paid to do.
10. You don't have to eat general hospital food and you're damn glad of it.
11. A cuppa is the life blood of your working day. If it aint there, you aint there.
12. Students are a brilliant one size fits all scapegoat.
13.You'll complain about what a god awful job you have but you'd never leave cause where else would you meet a group of people who could make your jaw drop, your sides ache and your heart bleed as much as this lot.
14. You realise that every taught bit of restraint goes clean out of your head and you just grab the first thing coming at you and hold on!
15. No management issues means: Couldn't think of anything to say about this patient but I thought it would look bad to write 'Patient has done nothing all day'.
16. You'll fight to the death for a black biro.
17. People are always telling you how much they admire what you do but still tell you you're mad for wanting to do it.
18. General nurses when they find out you're psych invariably answer with 'What made you want to do THAT?' As if you've just told them you juggle radioactive material for a living.
19. You find yourself trying to pull an imaginary alarm outside of work.
20. You leg it to find out what all the shouting is about and realise it's actually none of your business as you're currently in a supermarket.
21. You begin to realise that you less you do, the better the job you're doing.
22. You go into a blind panic cause you think you've lost your house keys cause they're not attached to your belt
I found the private company I worked for the most unprofessional of all the places I have worked in. That and the fact none of my views were considered were the reasons I left.I have found working in mental health a lot of the people I know who work in the same area do so because they have had their own mental health problems. What draws people to it. Is it because they are looking for answers about why they are like they are. I was drawn to it because of my own experiences.
I have seen it from both sides from professional and from patient. I have never been an inpatient (unless you count the 9 hours on a section 136). But I have had lots and lots of dealings within mental health services for my self. Does having the experience give me an advantage? And who has the advantage?
Well, in some ways yes. I feel I can benefit from having worked in that as it makes me more patient when it comes to receiving services. I know there are big shortages within the area. I know there is a strain on the area and it makes me more patient when I know why I am having to wait. I don't have the "they don't care, I am not important enough, I don't matter" kind of thoughts. Because of this I am patiently waiting and they don't have me on the phone chasing things up all the time (I am not saying that people who haven't worked in mental health would be, but it's the kind of person I am...I don't have much patience when it comes to things like this....being told I can have something but not knowing when and having to wait).
I do feel though when I am being interviewed by a professional for the first time or for example by the psych medicine department (which always interview you after you have received treatment for self harm), I have feel as though I get an attitude of "you should know better than to self harm, than to try and kill yourself". It's like because I have experience in that area I should see what it's all about and not do it as it is stupid. And the intelligence thing. Do intelligent people not have mental health problems, do they not self harm? What the hell has being intelligent got to do with anything?
There are disadvantages also.
The embarrassment.
I am so embarrassed by the things I have done. I hate being the way that I am. If someone said to me can I take away the self harm that it never happened and take away all the issues and interestingness I would jump at it. Mental health is so stigmatised. You would think as a person doing what I do and what I want to do I would possibly be able to be more open about things. But not at all. I am ashamed of the way that I am and I do what I can to hide it. If other people have mental health problems I am fine with it. I am not prejudiced at all. But when it comes to myself. I feel the stigma.
This also comes in when waiting in a waiting room and you see someone you know. I have seen ex patients numerous times now. Luckily I have not been recognised but I am embarrassed by it. There is also meeting someone in a professional context after you have met them in the patient-professional. And the other way around. Like when I was 136'd and taken to local hospital, the people that were on duty were people I had worked with numerous times. It was shameful. And I know. As a person training to be professional I shouldn't probably feel this way.
Another possible disadvantage is that I know how to work the system. In that I can say the right things to avoid being hospitalised. There are buzz words I know not to say...like when you are flying you know not to say the b word. It's the same with this. My biggest fear is hospital. I'm sure if they knew what was going round in my head.. Or if they even read this there would probably be doubts about my ability to keep myself safe etc. They know that I self harm everyday. But they don't know my thoughts.
As a patient I don't feel that I have a very good relationship with the professionals. I am not very honest with them and I keep a hell of a lot of information to myself.
This is going to sound weird but, I like to think because I am also a fellow "professional" I am treated differently than I would do if I was Joe Bloggs. That they are more open with me, that they are more relaxed and they don't need to follow a strict protocol as I'm in the know and all that shebang. That is probably not the case though.
As a professional I am the patient I hate. The one who is stubborn, is set in her ways, wont listen to people, wont try certain things, and has things keep happening even though I have worked really hard putting a lot of effort in to working with her and yet she goes and messes it up and un does all my hard work.
I am an awful patient. I bet there are worse ones than me though!
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