Sunday, 6 November 2011


On my phone again so won't be a long post.

My mum has said she's worried.
'You're supposed to be on medication that stops you feeling low, yet you obviously are'.
How do I explain that. When my parents were still together and we lived in a nice big house, I'd just spend most my time in my room. No one noticed. Well not that I thought. Apparently my mum told the psychiatrist I'd not been right for the past couple of years. But I'd never been challenged about it. Yesterday I was.

So what do you say?

I had to admit I'd been feeling low. Maybe I am in a depression again. I don't want to admit it if I am. Why? Because it seemed the sodium valporate was working. To me now I feel I have reasons for being low. Anyone in my position would be. There are valid reasons for it. Before it was just because. No valid reason. It just was there. More of a clinical thing that could be fixed by medication. This, well there are things going off in my life and it's reactive.

I've also been thinking a lot about my time spent in hospital and that's getting me down quite a bit. I am also thinking my thoughts are not that far away from how they were then. So does that mean I'm heading towards being in hospital again? I was told this time is critical for me. And I don't think I've helped myself really. I know I've not. But at the same time I can't. What scares me is I'm being threatened with long term care. The nearly 3months care that I spent seemed long term but they are talking more residential. How would you ever recover from that? There isn't any!

Yet, I can't do anything to help myself. I can't pull myself from this. I'm trying to put on a front but people are noticing. And this I know is going to sound really awful, but another thing which is adding to it at the moment is I have a really poorly car that may be on it's way to car heaven. The thought of being without any transport just makes me feel even worse. How spoiled is that! Get over it GP.



catherine said...

not sure what to say... but i am thinking of you. being out of school and out of work is bound to leave you unsettled, even depressed. do you think you have it in you to do some volunteer work? that would get you out of the house and the appreciation you get makes you feel so much better. i have been out of work (on disability because of my bipolar) for 3 years now. i volunteer a lot. i also joined an arts organization where i can work on my photography. i know you are into photography, maybe you can start to sell your work through a site like istockphoto. it might keep you busy. anyhow, sending a big hug and i hope you feel better soon, c.

catherine said...

me again. how about combining your love of travel and your love of photography by volunteering with one of these non profits? ... just discovered this website and might get involved myself. xo c.