I may have to have another assessment. I saw Beth this morning and she asked how things were. I said how I was feeling and I told her how it was no longer thoughts but plans.
She was trying to probe into what these are but I couldn't tell her. In the end she was saying how they will probably need to arrange another mental health act assessment with the view to putting me in hospital again.
She said she'd call me back once she'd spoken to Dr T and let me know what they were going to do. I said I don't want crisis team involved as I find them useless. I don't want people coming to my house either. I don't want anyone involved.
I can't see any future at the moment. I don't want any future. I can't deal with feeling like this. The reoccurring suicidal feelings. I tried to explain how now they weren't just thoughts but were feelings. I couldn't explain anymore than that.
I have a feeling I am going to have to go into hospital again. I have started making plans for if I do and hiding stuff. I can't stand hospital it makes things worse for me and doesn't keep me safe. I can't keep myself safe. I need someone to take control for me. I know I can't control it anymore.
I'll update as soon as I know more.