Today's Psychology Appointment.

The first thing he asked was how I was. That's pretty standard. Then he asked what had happened. So I asked if he had not read about it as I wanted to know just how much he knew. He said he had tried to get my notes but someone else had them so hadn't been able to. In some respects I wish he had just read about it. It was really hard telling him only a little bit of what I had told him. I didn't tell him the half of it. I couldn't. Too hard. But, when he does get round to reading my notes he will probably wonder why I only told him a small slice. And downplayed that.

I just told him about what happened last week. How it ended up with the police involved. He asked if I had taken anything and I said I didn't know. He kept asking me and all I could say was I didn't know. I don't know if he believed me or not.

We mainly talked about the Schema therapy and the results of the questionnaire that I filled in. I don't know what triggered me off but all of a sudden I came over all emotional and anxious and couldn't really say much. I think I was just going through everything over the last couple of weeks and it invoked emotions in me. He picked up on it and stopped what he was talking about. He said he knew something was going on and tried to get me to talk about it. But I couldn't. I didn't even know what was going on. I was just having so many thoughts running through my mind about everything. He thought it was to do with talking about the schema results and that I may feel as though I was being criticised. But I didn't feel like that at all. He tried to get me to explain how I was feeling and I couldn't really do that all I could say was that all of a sudden I was feeling quite anxious. I don't think it was about the SFT as I had a pretty good idea what he would be talking about before I went in to the appointment and from doing the questionnaire and reading about the different schemas I knew where I had problems so it wasn't news to me.

So we just talked about the different schemas and he said that they weren't really any surprise to him and also about how we deal with them and he said he had a pretty good idea of how I did and I agreed as he was pretty spot on. He also said I didn't do some of the things that are usually quite common such as manipulating people around me etc. It was quite nice to hear that as I worry about that quite a bit. They say I have PD traits etc and I also know that a lot of people who are diagnosed as having a PD are seen to be manipulative. While I didn't think I was at all, I was worried that people may think I was. Even though I'm not. While I was at the out of town PICU where Fingers worked, he said I was manipulative and tried to play staff off against each other. I never did this at all, I am not like that it is not something I would do. So I have been quite paranoid about it since. When I had access to my notes just over a year ago I noticed it was something he had written and I was quite upset about it. I asked a couple of the nurses who I was quite close to if they ever thought I had manipulated anyone or the situation I was in and they said not at all. But, I didn't know if they were just telling me what I wanted to hear. But now the psychologist has said it I can kind of breathe a sigh of relief. He would never tell me what I want to hear and can be pretty harsh at times. Saying how it is and getting annoyed with me when I don't listen etc.

It doesn't help when someone asks about a person manipulating the system to get s.117 after care and then there is a comment such as "Come into mental health social work and see how people with Personality Disorder manipulate!!!". 

And this is coming from a professional. Can really make you feel shit about things when you don't even have professionals in your corner.

Anyway, we addressed my concerns about it and childhood, length of therapy etc. He said what was more important was that we changed the schemas not necessarily picking a part how and when they developed. While I don't really like the idea of delving in to childhood, as I think mine was pretty normal and I would like to keep that perception, I would sort of like to know why I have developed like I have. I didn't say this as he had already said it would not really be effective. So didn't see much point. Maybe I will bring it up next time and say I have been thinking about it. I do get where he is coming from in saying it wouldn't really be effective but I think I would like to understand more.

I was kind of expecting only to be working with him for a few more months tops. Perhaps until I went back to uni, if I go back to uni that is. He said we would be able to meet weekly from now on, well our next appointment is in 2 weeks as he is off next week. But weekly from then on. And he wants to meet at 09.30am every Monday morning. Yuck! My reaction was "Seriously"?! He said he knew I had days where I spent the day in bed and didn't do anything worth while and having the appointments in the afternoon just reinforces my whole not approaching the day thing. So he feels he needs to have me coming in for the first appointment of the day so that I am up and doing something and getting me in to some kind of routine. I get where he is coming from on this, I do. But I can't say I like it. I am not a morning person. I don't function well in the mornings. But I thought, oh well, it will just be for a few weeks. And then he said we'll reevaluate in a year and see where we are then. Eeeek. Full on. Really full on. I was not expecting that at all. Especially as when I was discharged from the section back in August 2012 he said he'd see me for just a little while after to see how things had been getting on. Then that went to March time 2013. He has said many times that we need to have an end in sight so I just assumed it would be quite soon really. I don't think he has outpatients who he sees like he sees me. I think he has an inpatient case load and he works on the DBT side of things so probably sees people for their individual sessions. But a year. That's a long time.

Before I knew it an hour had passed and he had done most of the talking today. We quickly talked about uni and he said he had seen the emails that had gone between the course director and myself and was really happy I had approached it. But he thought that when she wanted to meet up was too soon (in the next few weeks). I agreed and was relieved he said that. I said to him that if I was in their position there would be no way I would be saying I was fit to practice at the moment. If I doubt my own abilities, how do I expect them to support me going back. So he told me to email her back and tell her that he was taking some annual leave over the coming weeks and the earliest he would be able to meet would be mid July. He said that would give us time to start work and he would be able to get a better idea of where things are going and how I am doing. So I am happier about that. I am glad he has come up with that plan. I am hoping it will give me some time to get my shit together and at least make some progress.

So I emailed her as soon as I got in and told her this and she asked me if I could come in on my own before the 3 way meeting. She said it would be a good idea so I could see how I feel about being back on campus and also so she could discuss the changes of the course with me. Even though I don't want to, I can see that it may be a good idea so I said I would. It may make the 3 way meeting less daunting. That's another thing I really don't want to do. I don't mind her speaking to the psychologist, but I would just rather it if I wasn't there. I hate being there when I am being discussed. Even if it is good stuff. I hate it. I don't like being the centre of attention. I am really easily embarrassed and flustered so I really hate it. Unless I am with people I know really well like my friends where I can let go a bit. When I am on placement we have to have placement meetings with our personal tutor, the in placement mentor and the practice educator. When I had my last mid way point review it was really positive and people were speaking over each other to say how well I was doing. I hated it. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I just hate being talked about while i am there. It's why I won't go to any of the CPA type meetings as I would just rather them do it behind my back. It makes me so uncomfortable.

Speaking of CPA meetings. There is another one at the beginning of June about me. It will involve all my team getting together and discussing me and saying what they are doing, what I am doing and where things are going. So that invokes feelings of paranoia in me. I hate it. I really do.

Today I saw my TSW for the last time. I am being signed off from their service. How do I feel about it. Well,  I know that there is nothing more that they can do for me as I have now moved in to my own flat and I am all set up with what needs to be set up etc. I am just worried that if something does arise I won't be able to deal with it on my own. I have no confidence in my abilities at all at the moment. I can't even read a gas meter and get confused by it. It was good having a TSW as she helped me get sorted out with things that at the moment I wouldn't have been able to do and would have just got confused and flustered. Little things like making phone calls to sort out my council tax etc. But it is all done now and I can see that I don't need their service any more. Also, my TSW is leaving and the service is actually being migrated to another one. The same one I did my first placement at. So I don't really want to be on their books as I don't like people to know about my MH issues. So I suppose I should be happy that I have made some progress in at least one area of my life. But I can't help but worry. But if I rationalise with myself, all the household things are set up and running. My only concern is my benefits when I go back to uni as it will get complicated as I will be entitled to a bursary, but because of my MH problems I will still be able to get some ESA as I get high rate care DLA. It also means I will still get my housing benefit. But it's going to be a pain in the ass sorting it out. I am really worried about the hassle it's going to cause. But, as I said to her, I know it's not their area. CAB or Welfare Rights are the ones I need to approach about it when the time comes. So, I should be seeing this as a good thing. I should. I need to.

And that's about it. This has been a long post. But at least it's wasted an hour and a half writing it and has been a good distraction from the urges of wanting to swallow something. It was quite weird on the way out of the appointment with the psychologist today. He said to me don't go and end up hurting yourself after today's appointment will you? I know I went a bit weird. But I just found it odd he would say that, as if he knew what I was thinking about. Mind you he probably knows me so well by now that he can probably for see my actions before I can. When I did go a bit weird, I don't know where it came from but I just wanted to get up and run away. It's not even as though we were discussing anything I didn't know. And I do feel kind of positive about this new therapy. That's not to say I am not terrified of doing it. I really am. My CPN said it's a normal feeling. But. Well. I don't like it. But today he came out and asked me straight out if I felt like getting up and leaving. How he knew that as it is never something I have done, and wouldn't do, but the urge was there. I don't know why. But he hit the nail on the head. I denied it though in case he told me to go and have a fag and come back in 5, and I knew that we were pressed for time and wanted to get through everything. So I just rode it out. His parting words were along the lines of "everything will be alright you know".  I really hope they are as I can't live like this!