That's basically summing up how I feel today.
I called crisis team last night but because it was so late there was nothing that they could do. So it was basically carry on trying to distract your self and we will call you tomorrow.
So they called me at about 12ish and was someone who I have seen a few times. Had a tough night last night with the neighbours having a party, blasting their awful gangster rap music out at 2am. At first I thought it was downstairs and was all ready to call the police on him knowing that it goes on hours and usually escalates. And the police told me to call them if he was being noisy. But as I went out for a cig I discovered it was actually upstairs and they seemed to be having a party and had the windows open. While I wouldn't usually hear them as they are not above my flat, because the windows were open it was blaring out in to the courtyard and as my bedroom is on the courtyard I could hear it all. While it was making me really anxious and I was annoyed by it, it is not something that has happened before so I didn't want to say anything about it. But it stopped me sleeping until about 6ish because it was making me so anxious. But I wasn't going to complain and spoil their fun night which they have never had before and I knew it was me being over sensitive to it. So I tried to let it go.
So we had a bit of a conversation about what was going off for me and she just said take it easy today, don't do any uni work and just try and chill out in front of the TV. But to call back later if I needed them. Come 6ish I was really struggling and had already self harmed by swallowing again. So I decided to call them back again. This time I spoke to someone who wasn't on the team who I usually see but he was someone I had seen before and had dealings with. He was the one who contacted the police on me back in August 2011 and was there on the assessment the first time I was sectioned. I spoke to him about how I was feeling and said the urges were so intense that no matter what I did I couldn't control them. I explained how they moved from self harm to suicidal because I was so sick of how I was feeling and that I couldn't contain the urges and I get to the stage where I feel as though what is the point. I can recognise that the feeling is more of I don't want to live like this. And there is only one easy way out for me. So that's why I called really. Because I thought the extra input may help. He has the most stupid hair. I don't know how he expects anyone to take him seriously. It's like the 90's threw up on him. Really obvious blonde tips. Oh dear.
So he said he would contact the duty doctor and see about getting me some PRN medication. He called me back about half an hour later and said he would come round then with some Diazepam. So he brought me 3x5mg Diazepam.
I took one as soon as he left and it has done sweet FA.
I know what I have done is probably quite stupid, but I need to be knocked out tonight to get through the night. I can't face another night of no sleep, laying there ruminating and not being able to distract myself. So what have I done? I have gone and brought a bottle of vodka from the shop. I don't plan on drinking all of it, just a few to hopefully react with the Diazepam and knock me out so I can get some decent sleep. I know I probably shouldn't self medicate, but it is the only thing I can see helping me tonight.
I don't know what else I could do which would actually be of any benefit to me at the moment.