It's what I am. I know self medicating with a bottle of vodka isn't the brightest of ideas. But, it seems to numb the pain slightly. I can get so pissed I can sleep for a few hours and block everything out.
Last night I tried to kill myself again. Not in my usual style. I tried jumping in front of a bus but it moved out the way and then some lad dragged me to the side of the road. How selfish am I getting other people wrapped up in my misery. I am a driver and I would never forgive myself if I killed someone by knocking them down. I would keep thinking that there should have been something I could have done. So why would I do that to someone else. Because I am a selfish bitch. It's the only explanation.
My CPN called me yesterday as she has been made aware of what has been going on. I tried calling her back but she then wasn't at her desk. I couldn't keep trying as I was spending some time with my Dad as he is going away for about 3 weeks to cycle from Land's End to John O'Groats for charity. So I wanted to be with him as I won't see him for a while. And, I needed to make sure he wouldn't worry about me so I was putting on a front.
I'm not going to tell them about last night. They already know too much as I was assessed by DPM the other day, so they will know that the police were involved etc.
I was lucky that I wasn't placed on a 136 last night. If they had seen me or that lad have called them I would have been. Not what I need at the moment. I am really sorry about my behaviour. I can't believe I was so selfish to put someone in that position. And I wasn't very pleasant to him either. I am such a selfish bitch.