Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Selfish Bitch

It's what I am. I know self medicating with a bottle of vodka isn't the brightest of ideas. But, it seems to numb the pain slightly. I can get so pissed I can sleep for a few hours and block everything out.

Last night I tried to kill myself again. Not in my usual style. I tried jumping in front of a bus but it moved out the way and then some lad dragged me to the side of the road. How selfish am I getting other people wrapped up in my misery. I am a driver and I would never forgive myself if I killed someone by knocking them down. I would keep thinking that there should have been something I could have done. So why would I do that to someone else. Because I am a selfish bitch. It's the only explanation.

My CPN called me yesterday as she has been made aware of what has been going on. I tried calling her back but she then wasn't at her desk. I couldn't keep trying as I was spending some time with my Dad as he is going away for about 3 weeks to cycle from Land's End to John O'Groats for charity. So I wanted to be with him as I won't see him for a while. And, I needed to make sure he wouldn't worry about me so I was putting on a front.

I'm not going to tell them about last night. They already know too much as I was assessed by DPM the other day, so they will know that the police were involved etc.

I was lucky that I wasn't placed on a 136 last night. If they had seen me or that lad have called them I would have been. Not what I need at the moment. I am really sorry about my behaviour. I can't believe I was so selfish to put someone in that position. And I wasn't very pleasant to him either. I am such a selfish bitch.


There and Back said...

How much attention do you actually want?

Golden Psych said...

Can I ask what you mean by that please? If you are insinuating I only do it for attention I find that comment quite infuriating.

Maybe you're not.

But I want to add I don't do anything for attention. I would like to be discharged and not have all these people involved in my life. I would like to be normal and not have any of this shit.

If you read you will see that the self harm mostly goes undetected because I don't want their attention and fuss. I just want to be left alone and get along with it in my own way. But if I try now to do that I will end up sectioned. Last time I told them all to fuck off and leave me alone that is what happened and I was in hospital for a year. A whole fucking year.

So I feel I have to talk to them. If you are in hospital for so long you can't hide any more. The only people around you are staff and what you say goes in your notes. So they know me pretty well. So if I tell them that now, they will know.

Tell me what to do then.