Had a home visit this morning. We talked a bit about the last week or so and my attendance at the ED on Sunday night. She was trying to make me see the positives of it. She was saying how although I did end up in the ED it could have been worse if the ambulance and police weren't called as I could have done something which would have killed me or landed me in hospital for a lot longer than a couple of hours. So even though it was an awful experience, she said it could have been worse and that in the police and ambulance being involved there were some positives as I wasn't putting myself in immediate danger.
She was saying it's quite hard as we have different views on what is the best outcomes for me. She said it seems as though my main focus and if I call services is to do something that will make me feel better. Their focus is while they want me to feel better their main focus is keeping me safe and that I don't really seem to bother about this as I just want to feel better. In other words I am not bothered about my own safety. I've never thought about it like that before and I suppose she is right. I will do anything to feel better, even if it's just temporary and this can involve something like self harming or worse, to make it permanently better.
I told her about being told to eat an apple and a banana and that I will feel better. She did say she didn't know where he was coming from when he said this and could imagine it was pretty useless advice. I told her it made me furious.
So then we talked about my last psychology session. I said I wasn't really told much about why the DBT wouldn't be suitable and she said that from the assessment it highlighted just how much I avoid things. Not just with other people but with myself and that I will avoid thinking about things that are hard. She said how this obviously wasn't working and that it needed to change. So that is why Schema Therapy has been suggested as it will work on why I do that.
I raised my concerns with her about how I thought it placed too much emphasis on childhood and that I thought my upbringing was pretty normal. And she basically said that's not what you have told me or the psychologist. She said it is not normal how after nearly dying it is not even discussed with your mother. I told her that was the way I wanted it. She said there were other things as well. So, it seems as though my perception of what is normal probably isn't normal after all. I also said to her I was really worried I was going to change my perception on things and this could lead to me feeling differently about my whole life and I was scared about that. She said that that was pretty normal and that my psychologist would be aware that this is a normal feeling and work through things gently and help me overcome these feelings so that I am not bothered by them. That has kind of put my mind at ease a bit over it. But I am really scared about how it is going to make me feel doing this. I mean, I am probably going to be told what I thought was normal and acceptable and the whole basis of my life isn't normal or acceptable. How do you deal with something like that?
On the way out she spotted the empty vodka bottles. I had meant to take the recycling out before she came and hide them under a load of papers in the bins so the neighbours couldn't see (shared bins), but I forgot. So there they were in plain view on the side. I had opened the door for her and she saw them. She told me to close the door a minute and asked me if I had been drinking. I could hardly lie when the evidence of the empty bottles was in right in front of her. So I admitted it. She said how I should be aware that it can make me worse in terms of impulsiveness and she asked how much I had been self harming. I down played it a bit and didn't tell her about the swallowing stuff nearly every day but said I last cut on Sunday afternoon. The drinking wouldn't be a problem if I could stop after say half a bottle of vodka. But no, once it's open I have to finish it and get myself in to a comatose state. I do like the feeling of being drunk, and it helps with my sleep. But I know I get to the point where I think blow it, fuck it all and just drink until I pass out. I am trying to lose weight at the moment through weight watchers and there are a lot of points in alcohol. It's the only reason I haven't drank more. I would be drinking probably every night if I weren't trying to lose weight. I didn't tell her this though.
That's about it really.
Psychologist next Thursday. Not looking forward to that as I am sure he will be having a go at me for getting drunk. I know I shouldn't and I know I should be avoiding it but I do it anyway. I must be so frustrating. I'd hate me if I was them. I am the worst type of patient. I know what I should be doing but I don't do it.