Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Struggling Tonight.

I'm really struggling with the urges tonight. It's overwhelming and so powerful.

I thought I would try and write a pros and cons list about self harming to see if that helps. It's a bit of distraction.

Pros -

- It gives me a high and a rush of euphoric feelings.
- It is a release which brings relief and calms anxiety.
- It can make me feel better.
- I can see how much pain I can inflict on myself.
- It releases frustration.
- I will get a buzz from doing it.
- It gives me a focus which distracts me from the emotions I am feeling.
- Cutting can stop some of the more serious self harming behaviours or suicidal actions.
- It gives me a sense of control.
- It stops racing thoughts.

Cons -

- I feel like I have to hide it from people around me.
- It usually involves me telling lies.
- I feel a sense of guilt the next day which can last days.
- There is the stigma of self harming I have to deal with.
- Can get stuck in the self harming rut where it gets out of hand.
- It could cause serious permanent problems (infections, perforations etc).
- It is only a temporary fix.
- I waste money on razors/pills/needles. This could be spent on more nice things.
- There is a chance I will regret it.
- I will get more scars which is just a permanent reminder of bad times.
- It could cause irreversible damage to my internal organs.
- I may have to go to the hospital. I will have to face personal questions and can feel like I am wasting their time when they have other more deserving patients that need treating.
- I may have to face negative/hurtful comments.
- Taking care of any injuries such as dressing wounds is a hassle.
- Even if mean to not do serious harm it can lead to that. Planning small cuts usually leads to bigger more serious wounds.
- I already have a lot of scars and I don't want more. What will I say to people in the future about how I have got them.
- Feeling I may have let people down when all they have done is try and help me. Again the feeling of wasting peoples time when there could be other people who would benefit more from their input.

So I do have more cons about self-harming than pros. But even still it doesn't really help. The pros are so powerful. I am struggling to see the negatives even though there are more of them and they are right in front of me in black and white.

What else can I do?

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