Last night was awful. I was really struggling with the urges to do something. I am not really sure why I was getting them last night. It is not as though anything was going on. Well, nothing I can account for that would make me feel that way. It was pretty intense.
I was sat around watching TV and trying to distract myself. I even wrote a pros and cons list about self-harming. I kept going over it trying to drum the cons in to my head. But it didn't really work. About 12ish I couldn't stand it anymore and I went in to my bathroom and broke up a razor. I sat there a while with it and started on my legs. Then I got this rush of feelings of that I couldn't do it. So I tried to swallow the razor. But I gagged on it and ended up throwing it up. I then had this feeling that I just had to get out of there and get out the flat so I wasn't around things that I could self harm with. So at about 1am I went for a walk. A bit stupid really. It's not exactly safe to be walking around inner city areas when you're female and on your own late at night. The area I live is mainly students but it is quite close to the scratty areas that are full of drug dealers and people high on drugs, where a lot of unsavoury characters live.
I was walking around for about an hour, and became quite paranoid that something was going to happen and my anxiety levels rose. But not in a I want to self harm way. It did take the focus away but I was quite concerned something worse would happen to me. I was getting paranoid that someone was following me. In particular my downstairs neighbour who was out for revenge at me calling the police on him and getting him arrested. So I started making my way back home. As I was walking home I had a taxi driver stop and ask me if I was ok and if I needed a lift. Don't know whether or not this was out of concern or something worse. In my paranoid state I was thinking something worse and I just muttered I was ok and was nearly at home, but thanks for his concern. I wasn't going to be getting in his car. Then not long after the police stopped and asked me if I was ok and told me I shouldn't be walking around on my own late at night and they asked if they could take me home. I don't know why, but I was wary of them as well. I had a couple of things in my head. The first being that they weren't real police. I can see this as being silly now as they were in uniforms and in a police car. A lot of effort to go to to impersonate a police officer. And it was a bloke and a woman. So even more unlikely, well in my mind. But then the other thing that was going through my mind was that if I went with them they were going to make me go to the hospital etc etc etc. So I just said I only lived a couple of minutes away, I had just lit a cigarette and that I wanted to finish it and by the time I had, I would be home.
I do find it quite odd they had stopped, as it's never happened before unless they have been after me (when reports have been made that my safety is in question) or I have been too drunk to walk in a straight line. But, neither of those were happening last night.
So I got home and made my self a cup of tea. I smoked a couple more cigarettes. By about 3am the urges and anxiety had decreased. So I went to lie in bed. I didn't get to sleep straight away it did take a couple of hours, but I did manage to get some sleep.
I suppose there are some positives and some negatives to last night. I managed not to seriously self harm. But in managing that I put my self in a possibly dangerous situation. So I am not sure if it's a good thing or not.
I had a visit from my OT worker yesterday. She says I need to think about what I want to do if I am not able to go back to university in September. It seems as though it's a possibility I won't be. When I saw the doctor he said he wouldn't be recommending that I went back as he doesn't want me to be in any situation that may involve putting me under stress as he doesn't feel I would deal with it very well. And then when I saw my CPN the other week she said I needed to do the DBT if I wanted to go back as that would be the only thing that helps and I've been turned down for that as they are now saying they don't think it would work for me.
The OT worker was a bit puzzled by the assessment. Seems my CPN has been in contact with her about it (I hate that they are discussing me without me knowing, but at the same time I wouldn't want to be there while they do it either - it's a no win situation for me). There has been a bit of confusion over the questionnaire I filled in. I filled it in honestly and was very truthful with it. From the questionnaire it seems as though (not her words) but I come across as a nice normal person. Well, more that it didn't show that I had BPD. And as I say, I don't think I do. Traits of it, yes, but not a full blown diagnosis. So, they are a bit puzzled. Or more they think I wasn't honest and knew what they are looking for and filled it out in how I would think a normal person would. But, I wasn't. I was honest.
I am seeing my Psychologist tomorrow, so I am hoping he will give me a debrief on it, and tell me what he thinks. I am feeling quite nervous about the appointment as I have a feeling that they think I wasn't being honest and was filling it out and answering their questions as though I was answering with a knowledge of what they were looking for. While I do have an idea of what they are looking for (I have done enough reading around DBT and what it does to know), I wasn't answering with that in mind. While I wasn't sure if it was for me, I did keep an open mind and went in wanting to be proven wrong. I have been told so many times that this is the therapy for me and that if I want things to change then I should do it. And they are now saying no.
Back on to the uni stuff though. I can't even think about not going back in September. I know I am putting all my eggs in to one basket again like I have done in the past. But there is nothing else that I want to do. I want to be a social worker. I want to be a mental health social worker. An AMHP.
I am 30 next year. I am getting old. I remember thinking was I was about 20 that 30 was old. I'd say things like "when I am old, like when I am 30". And I have nothing I set out to do. I am single too afraid to get close to anyone as I am scared of getting hurt when they find out about my being not so sane. I have only just moved out of my parents home in to a rented flat in Studentville. I don't have kids yet. I don't have a decent job and never have done. I always thought by now I would be in a career, be married, have kids and live in my own house. I have none of that. That's one of the reasons it is so important for me to go back. I need to get this qualification. I need to make something of myself. I need for my life to actually begin. If I haven't got the balls to actually go through with killing myself which, yes, it's still what I want. I would rather be dead than living through this shit. I need to make something of myself. Be someone. Make a difference. Be there for other people while they are going through shit and help them see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish I had a light at the end of my tunnel.