Sunday, 19 May 2013

Some Truths...A Bit Of A Half Fun Distraction...

I found this 30days of truth website. I am special and so am not going to do it over 30 days but see what I can get done now and then maybe in a couple more posts.

So here I go...

1) Something you hate about yourself.

I could probably go on quite a bit about this. But the two main things are my weight and how I can't seem to do anything about it. I have tried losing weight and I have a good diet. I don't snack and I eat a lot of fruit and veg and low fat/calorie meals. But no matter what I do I can't seem to shift more than a few pounds.

The other thing I hate would be the fact that I have mental health problems. I hate being like this. I hate the fact that I started self harming as that has escalated in to quite serious stuff. I hate the lows and feeling suicidal. I generally just hate myself. I know I need to learn to love myself again, at least have some self respect. But, I don't really know how to go about it.

2) Something you love about yourself.

I wouldn't say I love anything about myself. There are some things that I like though. I like my eyes. They are big and bright blue. I like how I don't hold a grudge against anyone. I can't be in a mood with someone for very long at all. I can't stand being horrible to people, even if they deserve it. I am always really quick to forgive.

3) Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I will never forgive myself for taking the money when I was 13. You may say, well you were a child. But, I knew what I was doing. I knew right from wrong and I was wrong doing it. It was more than half my life ago, yet I still hate it and feel such shame from it. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for it

4) Something you have to forgive someone for.

I haven't been wronged or anything that warrants forgiveness recently so I don't think there is anyone that I need to forgive. As I said before, I don't hold grudges and am quick to forgive. I tend to get over things quite quickly.

5) Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to qualify as a social worker and work in mental health. I hope one day I can go on to do my AMHP training. It's not looking likely at the moment as this is the final chance I have of going back to uni and uni want a letter from my psychologist stating I am fit to return. I don't think I am at the moment, yet she wants to meet in the next couple of weeks and get the ball rolling. If I was in the psychologists position there would be no way I would be saying I was fir for practice. It's only a few weeks since I nearly died and I am still self harming etc. So how the hell he will be able to say I am fit for practice, I don't know.

6) Something you hope you never have to do.

There's lot of things I wouldn't like to do. But I can't think of the worst thing. I think perhaps losing a child. Going through that must be the worst thing in the world.

7) Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I would like to say my nephews here. They are 4 and 2 and I love them loads. But, even that didn't stop me from landing in hospital and nearly dying. I do love them so much. But the way I see it is if I do something now, they will have very few, if none at all memories of me. So they will never know what they have lost. And really, I am not exactly the best Aunty ever.

8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Erm... not sure on this. I was bullied when I was a kid but it was nothing major. But there were days where I came home from school in tears and hid out in my room for ages. There was also the time spent on the out of city PICU where Fingers was involved in my care. He talked to me like shit and provoked me on many occasions, one time I couldn't control it after he pushed me over so I kicked him in the balls.

9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I don't think there is anyone that I wish was in my life but are no longer in my life because we drifted a part. There are a couple of people who have moved away and we just don't have any contact any more, who at one time we were quite close, but now we are not. The way I see it if they were meant to have been that good a friend you wouldn't have drifted.

10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

There doesn't seem to be anyone here. Well, maybe. I had a look through old pics of my ex and me the other night and started to cry. I would like to be friends with him again. Just friends as I know it wouldn't work in a relationship, and I have too much pride to go back there. But, maybe I should just be able to let him go.

11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

People do say I am an attractive/intelligent girl. Although this annoys me when it is said when I am in crisis or something as it would seem as being an attractive/intelligent girl you should not be having mental health problems. Even the police said it to me the other day. They don't know me, they had only seen me while drunk and looking a mess so how they could infer I was intelligent, who knows. I don't even think I am intelligent. I am just pretty average. When people say this to me in a way that is you are an attractive young girl who is intelligent, what have you got mental health problems for. I kind of go a bit mad at them.

12) Something you never get compliments on.

Being skinny. Lol.

13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

There are quite a few here.

The White Lies as you can just feel the passion in the music and you can feel it.
The Killers as it makes me happier when I can sing a long really loud. I have seen them live a couple of times in the last few months and had an amazing time. So when I need a little lift I put it on really loud and sing along and am reminded of the great fun I had at the concert.
My Chemical Romance for when I am angry. It's quite angry music and listening to it really loud helps release some of my frustrations and calms me down.
I also love the Raconteurs, Queen, The White Stripes, ohhh and so many more. I love music. Music is my life.

14) A hero that has let you down.

I wouldn't say a hero. But I would say I feel let down by my brother and how we have drifted a part since I was in hospital. We used to be really close, but not any more. We never text each other or even see each other. When I was in hospital for a year, he came to see me about 3 times. I know it may have been hard for him but I could have done with his support. So yeah, I feel let down by him.

15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without.

This would be music. Music is there for when I feel sad, when I feel happy, when I am angry, when I am drunk, when I want to kill myself, when I want to self harm, when I want to have fun basically my life is my music.

And there are 15 more but I can't be bothered to do any right now. I shall return to it maybe tomorrow.

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