What Do I Want?

I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to live my life normally. I suppose that is a positive statement. I want to LIVE my life normally. Does that mean I am actually moving forward? I think maybe some or a lot of it is that I don't have the energy or effort to put in to planning and trying to kill myself. I do still have massive urges and feel I would be rather dead than live like this. But I don't have the energy to plan, I don't have the energy to put anything in to action.

Also, I can't go through what I went through again. It was horrendous. If I did anything I would have to be sure it worked. But I can't even think about it at the moment. I don't have any energy to focus in to planning.

Things are pretty shit at the moment. I am struggling quite a bit. But I am trying. I am trying to get out and see friends. I am forcing myself. I went out Friday night. Went to see a band. They were really good. Although bumped in to 2 staff members from the PICU I was on. Made me feel really weird. Put me on a bit of an edge all night. I wasn't going to drink at all and stick to soft drinks. But I didn't even manage one soft drink. It was vodka and diet coke all night. I was quite drunk. I know I use alcohol as a crutch. Seeing the two staff from the ward was really weird and put me in to a weird mood. And how did I deal with that...downing the drinks. I didn't get so wasted I passed out. I didn't start hysterically crying. I didn't come home and self harm or anything. But I was very drunk. I do remember falling over and I have two swollen, black knees. It wasn't as though it was two staff members that I didn't like or who had restrained me. It was two of my favourite ones.

I was talking to my friend after about it and I said that I was feeling quite weird about it. I said I was sock of lying about how things were with people. But at the same time when people ask how you are you don't really want to go in to how you only came out of hospital less than a month ago, how you nearly died and how you take each day at a time etc. It could put a bit of a downer on someones night out. And, there is some stuff you just don't want people knowing. So you just say that you're great and doing really well etc etc etc. I feel as though my life is one big lie. I'm sick of it, but there is nothing I will do about it as I don't want to bring down the people around me. So I will keep going on my own.

Everything is taking its toll physically on me as well. I went to get my eyes checked on Thursday and to get some contact lenses. I noticed a few weeks ago that I had one pupil quite a bit larger than the other. But I ignored it not really thinking anything of it. She asked if I had had a head injury and after we ruled out that she said it was probably due to stress. I didn't tell her about my problems or anything. However, she did ask what medications I was on and when I told her I was about to start Lamotrigine and so she probably just worked out I am not the most mentally stable person and probably just inferred that I was experiencing stress. She told me to see my GP about it.

I also went to the hairdresser on Thursday and she was looking at my hair and she said to me "you do realise you have alopecia don't you"? I had noticed my hair coming out quite a lot but she told me I have a bald patch. I'm really worried about it. I am a very vain person. I freaked when I was told I almost had a tracheotomy because that would have left a visible scar on my neck. So, I was told to see my GP about that.

I have still not had a period, it's been 2 months now. So another thing to talk to my GP about. Luckily the surgery actually called me on Wednesday and asked me if I could come in tomorrow (Tuesday) to discuss medication. I imagine I will be that person who makes everyone late again as I will probably be in with her longer than my allotted time.

I did see my CPN on Friday for an appointment and it went ok. We talked about the DBT assessment and how I felt about it. She said it's something that I need to discuss with the psychologist. I feel lost and that they could give up on me. At the moment I will be seeing my CPN once every other week and the psychologist every other week. Throw in there my OT and TSW, I will definitely be seeing someone at least once a week, sometimes more.

So to sum it up. Feeling shitty and lost. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh!