I'm so nervous about it. He is going to know what has happened over the last two weeks and I know I am going to get lectured by him.
When I am feeling terrible I think to myself "surly I am at rock bottom now"? And yet there always seems to be another way of getting even lower etc.
I am not sure what has triggered this even going lower. I am worrying about things, maybe it's that. But, saying that I didn't start to worry and think about things until a week in to this whole new low.
A lot of the reason I have been drinking so much is because I can't cope with the hallucinations and feelings of despair and I just need something to numb it and make the hallucinations go away, even if it's just a temporary thing. When I am drunk I don't experience the hallucinations. So I turn to the bottle. I know it's not the best way of dealing with it. But I don't know another effective way.
And yes, it has got me into trouble. I had the police involved again last week. They in turn called my Dad, who called my brother and got him to come round. The police wanted me to go to the hospital but I said no. I wasn't going to go sit in a crowded ED department whilst feeling like shit as it would make me feel even worse. So they called crisis team who wanted to speak to me but I said I didn't want to. I knew I couldn't leave my flat as they would have put me on a 136. They even made an ambulance come and tried to get them to get me to go. My brother was trying to get me to go and was having a right go at me saying I was ill and needed to get help. He wanted to arrange a mental health assessment. I am quite lucky in a way that he didn't know that all he needed to do was get my Dad who is my NR to say I needed one and then they would probably have to have done one. After a while the police and ambulance decided I did have capacity and said I could stay at home. But before this they kept telling me I had no choice and I had to go. I knew they were wrong. They can't drag me out my home if I have capacity and I have not done anything criminal. But, I was worried that they would wrongly put me on a 136 anyway, as I have heard of it happen before.
I went back to bed after they had gone and they only left on the basis that I am phone every hour by my brother. I missed the first call as I didn't hear my phone and I got woken up again to a police man at the door. He didn't stay long though. Also while I was sleeping someone from crisis team came round, but I didn't hear him. I phoned them the next day to see if I could have some meds and the guy I spoke to told me he was the one who everyone was speaking to about me the day before. He said he had come out to my address but there was no answer. At least he didn't call the police as well. He should have called and told me he was coming really. Bit annoyed by that really. Anyway, he said he wouldn't be arranging meds for me as I needed to get through it on my own and not rely on meds. I can see his point, but I really needed something. When I feel like that I drink or self-harm or both. On this occasion I just self harmed. I suppose as what they class as serious. But, not to me. He said he would contact my CPN as it was pretty obvious I needed something at the moment in terms of support.
So she called me on Tuesday and we had a chat about what had been happening over the last couple of weeks. She said she would speak to Dr T about me being able to have some meds in crisis times. But the way she was talking about it, I'm not holding my breath.
I've been trying to distract myself by doing some research for my dissertation and reading around the area I want to cover. But I can't help that feel it is a waste of time. My course director wants to meet with me and the psychologist in a couple of weeks to discuss the course, how I have been doing and what problems I may encounter. She then wants a letter from the psychologist stating my fitness to practice. I don't see how he is going to be able to tell them that I am. I wouldn't if I was in their position. Not now. It's only been a few weeks since I nearly died. I am not doing well at the moment, I am in a worse position now than I was before I nearly died. So how they are going to be able to say I can go back I don't know. My doctor said he wouldn't be telling anyone I would be able to continue as he doesn't think I should be doing anything that could cause me any stress. They're a team and he is the doctor so I can't see my psychologist being able to say any different. So, I don't know what that means for my planned future career. I know just how intense the course is and how stressful it is. They are going to be told that. I have been told I am not to do anything that could cause me stress. So I think that basically means I won't be going back. So I have blown it. If I am not able to go back in September I will probably have to reapply and get through the very competitive competition to start the course from the beginning.
I found my diary from when I went travelling 3 years ago the other day and I spent an hour or so reading that. I was quite shocked at how I wrote. I have changed so much in these last 3 years. I seem quite young in how I was writing. And from reading it, although I tried to make a point of not writing about depressing stuff it is apparent I was depressed then as well. But I was trying to keep a lid on it and not let it overwhelm me. It wasn't until 3 months later that this lid came off and when I came back in to contact with services again. It opened my eyes to just how much of a dangerous situation I put myself in at times and not caring if I lived or died. I seem to have blocked out those times and is only through reading about them that I remember. There was one incident where I was tubing on the river and I was drunk, high on mushrooms and high on weed. Not a great combination. I could barely move. We had to get across the river as it was getting dark and all we had were these tractor inner tubes to float in. There was someone helping me but I remember I just wanted to be left alone to float down the river on my own and not caring if I died.
So, I am really worried about this appointment tomorrow. He called me Monday morning also. He only called to change our appointment as it was supposed to have been today. He asked how things were. I said that they were pretty shit. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. I clammed up and said I couldn't and could we leave it until our appointment and told him it would probably all be in my notes anyway. So, he has probably seen those and knows in every detail what has gone on in these last 2 weeks. I don't really want to talk about it. But he will say I am avoiding it and that it's not healthy for me to be doing this etc etc etc. Yes, I know I am avoiding it, but I don't see how talking about it will help me. I can write about it on here, but talking about it is a different matter. I think avoiding things works for me. They don't.
Oh well. I need to try and be more positive. I am such a pessimist.