Sunday, 26 May 2013

Anxious..But This Time I Know Why.

So today I was meant to be going for dinner with my ex's sister and Mum. I had prepared myself for it. Kind of. Bit weird I know, I've not seen his Mum in over 3 years and last time it was under horrible circumstances.

But his sister text me earlier and said as it's so nice was thinking of having a BBQ at hers instead. So I said that was fine. And then she said could her Dad and partner join in. Of course I am not going to say no. But now it has turned in to a family BBQ minus my ex. And today is the day he was supposed to be getting married. So instead of his family being at his wedding, they are spending the afternoon with me. What the hell is he going to think. I don't want him thinking I am trying to muscle my way back in.

Yeah, it will be nice to see everyone. But it's going to be really weird. And invoke a lot of feelings in me. I was thinking of lying and say I was seeing someone. So it's pretty obvious that that is not happening. But my friend said you already have to lie enough about the last couple of years (hospital admissions, uni, work, nearly dying etc) and you could end up tripping up over your self. She's got a point.

I am more worried about what they will think and what he will think than of myself. I am feeling really anxious about it though. I mean really anxious. My friend said I should come down with a lost limb or something. But I can't lie now. Not on the day.

I should have just paid the money to go to her hen party next week (and not lie about having to work) rather than suggesting dinner as now it has turned in to this. I am feeling like shit with my mood and urges anyway. So, I am going to have to spend the afternoon with a happy face and a everything's OK outlook.

This is going to be really hard. Really hard.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey gp how did the bbq go ? Its been a good few days since you posted hope youre not having a bad time hugsx