Sunday, 2 June 2013

400th Post. And, It's Not Getting Much Better.

There is not really a lot of difference between where I am now and where I started this blog 400 posts ago. I don't like to moan too much as it can be depressing to read. But then I remember this is my diary. So it's only right that I write how things actually are. I have been through a lot since I started this blog. A year spent in hospital, over 8 months of that on a PICU (intensive care, secure ward). But it's not really changed much has it. What did it achieve? I still self harm, seriously. While I have changed how I self harm, it, in their eyes has become more serious. I have also tried to kill myself on a few occasions since coming out. So, it didn't really change anything for me. What a hell of a year that was. My hell continues only I am not locked in.

I last wrote a week ago before I was going to the BBQ. Well, it went well. It was really nice to see my ex's parents and we got on really well. It was a really nice afternoon. We did talk about my ex a little. And he hasn't changed from the sounds of it. The more they talked about him the happier I was that I wasn't with him anymore. Life wouldn't have got better with him, it would have stayed the same. But, what I did miss was him not being there. I missed those weekly family gatherings. I always really liked his family and preferred to spend time with them rather than my own. But, all in all it went well. I was happy I saw them.

Seeing them and it going well and not invoking negative feelings in me made me think about meeting someone else. Someone to spend time with etc. I have been quite lonely the last few weeks as the people who I would do stuff with that doesn't involve drinking and going out, have not been available. I do have other friends, but I wouldn't just hang out with them. So yeah, it got me thinking. I decided to go back on Plenty of Fish, the dating website that is full of weirdos. So far I have had two dates and maybe another lined up with someone else.

The first date I thought went quite well. It was very spare of the moment and spontaneous. We had only emailed that day and within a couple of emails he had asked me what I was doing that night and did I want to meet for a drink. So, I threw caution to the wind and thought why not? I was passing through the town centre after I had been to my friends so I wasn't really going out of my way to meet him. He was quite a bit older than me. He was 38 to my 28 (29 in about 3 weeks...eeek). I didn't think it would bother me that much. But it did. We seemed a whole world a part in terms of what he did and when and all I could think was I was only 8 then and he was an adult. I also didn't realise he was divorced. I had missed that important nugget of information. I don't know why, but it does bother me. We got on and we had a good night having a few drinks and chatting. It was good. I wasn't going to make the first move by getting in contact as although I had had a nice night I wasn't huge on him. I'd have seen him again and see what developed but I didn't come away on a high. He text me the next day saying he had had a nice night but he didn't feel a spark and said it was best if we were just friends. So I replied thank you for letting me know and that I had had a nice night too. And that was that.

In the week I contacted another guy who seemed pretty cool. Really in to his music (plays, writes and listens), and seemed as though we were on the same wave length. We spoke on the phone a few times, on Friday night I couldn't sleep and he rang me at 1.30am and we spent nearly 2 hours on the phone. He could certainly talk. But, I got on well with him on the phone. We decided we would meet up on Saturday night. We got a few beers and walked down to the local canal. It started off quite well. He was a bit over familiar like touching me while he was talking to me and kept putting his arm around me. He also went in for the kiss quite soon after about 10 minutes of meeting. I didn't really like that. But we were getting on well. We have a couple of cans of lager and he has some weed so we smoke a couple of joints.

We decide it's quite cold and he asks if I want to go back to his. I suggested mine instead as I knew I would feel more comfortable at mine. And I thought I would have more control. This is where it all went tits up. He then got really loud and annoying. Doing stuff I asked him not to do, but doing it excessively just to annoy me. For instance, I really have a thing about feet. I can't stand anyone's feet anywhere near me, I told him this so what does he do but keep trying to put them near my head and rubbing them all over me. He was talking so much I could barely get a word in edge ways and  if I did he would then talk over me. He would then start these massive rants in which he would just get louder and louder until he was shouting. It was really annoying me. He was also talking about how he shop lifts from places like Tesco and Primark as it's so easy and it doesn't affect anyone. I am a really honest person so much so if I notice I have been charged wrong or something has been left off the bill I will mention it, or even go back to the shop. So I didn't like that. It's not as though he needed these things, he is not poor or an addict, he was just doing it because he could. Twat!

He also kept asking me how he was doing and I had to keep reassuring him saying that if I didn't feel we were getting on I wouldn't have said come back to mine and I would have had a friend call me with some fake emergency. But he kept asking and asking how I thought it was going, so I told him he was being insecure which he denied and didn't like. I can't be doing with blokes like that. So he asked me if I would go on a second date if he asked and I said that yeah, probably I would. I wasn't going to say no at this point. I don't do letting people down to their face, it is always best by text message. For me anyway. I wouldn't end a relationship through text but this is different. He then he said I was an odd one to figure out as he couldn't read me and he didn't like that. He said it seemed as though I wasn't interested and then went on to really criticise me. He was saying things like I was emotionally defunct and distant. That I had not shown any interest in him by asking him questions. I am sure I did, and anyway, he would ask me something and then completely talk over what I was saying. So I could barely get a word in. I actually thought to myself maybe if you shut up for a while I would have been able to ask him some questions. He was really horrible to me telling me I had problems etc. I felt really criticised, and by someone I barely knew. It's not so bad coming from someone who actually knows you, but from someone you only met a few hours before. It really hurt me. I just wanted him to leave.

I kept looking at my watch and yawning and saying I was tired and wanted to go to bed. After ages he finally got the hint and he said he would just smoke this last joint and then he would go. That joint lasted over an hour. He was talking and talking and still criticising me. It was awful. He was saying the music I liked was shit and was really over the top in telling me. He was being really offensive. After ages I said I was going outside to smoke a proper cig as I didn't want the smell lingering in my flat. So I told him to come outside with me. He asked if he should get his stuff and I abruptly said yes. So we stood outside talking and I had to tell him numerous times to keep his voice down as of my neighbours. I walked over to the gate and opened it hoping he would get the message but he was still stood there talking to me and not going. We were outside about 20 minutes at least. I really wanted him to go. In the end I just said I am sorry, but I am really tired and really cold I am going to go in now and go to bed. Bye! He kept saying how he would like to see me again but just as friends. I don't think so! He was such a knob. But what makes it worse is how I have let him really get to me. He has really upset me by criticising me like that. He also said I had issues as I made very little eye contact. I just wasn't interested in what he was saying that's why I wasn't looking at him. I know I do have issues with eye contact. When I see my psychologist I barely look at him, but that is because I can't look at someone when I am discussing something that makes me feel uncomfortable. But this wasn't the case last night. It was because he was boring and annoying me and I wanted him to leave. I thought when I asked him back he may be here about an hour. It was more like 5 hours. He didn't leave until after 3am. He hung around like a bad smell. Even when I said I felt like he was criticising me and was making me uncomfortable he didn't stop.

So today I have been feeling like shit. I was actually in tears about it this morning and felt like I was going to cry a few times throughout the day. Maybe it was him. But maybe it was me. Maybe I am emotionally defunct. My friends have tried to reassure me saying it was him and I am not like that at all, and it was just him being a knob. But, it has really put me off dating anyone again. It took a lot for me to go back on there and that is what I get. So I don't think I am going to bother making an effort now. I would like someone that I can go to gigs with, go out for nice meals, cinema etc. But, I don't think that is going to happen. Another thing he had a go at me about was that I had written on my profile that I wanted a relationship. Well, yeah I do. He was saying how I don't act like it. I asked how I was supposed to act and he didn't really reply. So I basically told him that while I do want a relationship I am not going to go rushing in to anything and I like to take things slow and I am very laid back when it comes to dating etc. I like to go on a few dates and see where things lead. That's pretty normal right?

I can't handle it all at the moment. He has really made me question if I can inflict myself on to someone at the moment. I don't think I will be contacting anyone else. If I get asked out by the people I am already in contact with I may go out with them. But if that doesn't work out, I am not going to the effort again.

I know I probably shouldn't let one bad experience put me off. But, I can't help it it has. It is something I want to talk to my psychologist about, but it is something I am uncomfortable talking about with him as he is a bloke. And when I say I invited him back here he is going to think that I slept with him and that is the type of thing I do. And, we have never talked about sex before anyway. It's a subject that I avoid.

I am seeing him on Thursday so I have some time to think about it if I want to bring it up or not.

Enough of that anyway.

I found this online. It's a Radio 4 programme about BPD. I found it really interesting and it talks quite a lot about the stigma that surrounds it and also the history. It's definitely worth a listen to if you have 30 minutes.

Anyway, that's it for me.

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