Wednesday, 13 March 2013

I Seem To Fail At Everything I Do.

Well, it didn't work. Obviously as I am writing this. I ended up throwing up a couple of hours later and then crashing in bed til about 12 the next day. Then wasn't really with it all day, in and out of sleep all day. Slept about another 14 hours last night and have only just started to feel ok now.

I still feel the same. I still want the same. I know I won't try that method again, useless. I was certain it would work. I took a smaller amount last time and came very close. Perhaps I shouldn't have handed over what I did to the OT worker. Maybe that would have worked better.

But, here I still am. I didn't think I would be. And so that brings me to the appointment I am supposed to have with the psychologist tomorrow. Do I go? And what the hell do I say? Part of me does want to talk about it, but then I am scared of what will happen if I do. I am scared of what the repercussions will be, a MHA assessment, a forced hospital stay. I don't want that. That's not going to help me. Will they make me go to the ED? If they make me go to the ED then I will have to speak to their psychology team who don't know me. They may make me have a MHA assessment. If they do make me have a MHA assessment what I have said to the psychologist previously will be taken in to account. If they make me have a MHA assessment they will have to inform my NR and they will know what I tried to do. I don't want them knowing I tried to do it again.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I still want the same things. I don't have a plan though. I don't know what would work that I feel I would be able to do. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I pray (I'm not really sure who to as I am agnostic) that each night I will fall asleep and not wake up. I can't take any more of what they are calling hallucinations. A couple of nights now I have woken up and smelt a really strong burning smell and have ended up walking around the flat looking for what's on fire. Thinking about ringing the fire brigade as the smell is so strong that I think to myself that it has to be real. But then the fire alarms aren't going off and I know the smoke alarms work. So I don't want to waste their time. I don't want the neighbours waking up as the firemen bang on their doors looking for a non-existent fire.

I am still seeing things. These things really scare me. When I spoke to the psychologist about it last time he seemed surprised that it was still scaring me. I think he thought that I would be getting used to it by now. I hate it. I can't stand it. I don't want to live with it. My sleep has gone to pot again. When I first moved in the first week or so I was fine. Then it hit me again. Not being able to get to sleep and then waking a lot in the night. It's horrendous.

So what do I say to him tomorrow? I really don't know.

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