I am still not sure if I should talk about what I did on Monday night. I want to talk about it but I am scared. I think they are going to want me to go in to hospital and it's not what I want, and I don't think it will actually help with anything. I self-harm more and more seriously. So it's not really helpful really.
I need to talk about how I am still having the hallucinations or what ever they are. And that I can't deal with it anymore. I had this plan that I was going to kill myself and I still want that but I don't have a plan at the moment. When the plan was in place there was something that was making me deal with it as I knew I wouldn't have to put up with it for much longer. Now that's not there I can't live with them. I want something to make them go away. So I am going to ask/tell him about that.
I have been very paranoid still. I don't know if it's a delusion or what but I can't help but think there are cameras in the fire/smoke alarms and that people are watching me. Also I feel people are watching me through the windows. A couple of times now I have hidden in the space under the stairs where I am not in sight of any windows or smoke/fire alarms. The other day I was there for over an hour having an anxiety/panic attack that I was being watched. It took quite a while for me to be able to talk myself out of it and to be able to move from there. It's ridiculous.
The knife incident. How I woke up the other night holding a knife to my self with tears streaming down my face. It really scared me.
I really feel as though I am losing it. All this stuff that is happening to me. It's not normal. I'm not normal. Then there is the worry that if I talk about it all in one go that they are going to want me in hospital. I am so scared of ending up in hospital again. Especially as they were talking about low secure again the other week and how the psychologist said perhaps it may have been for the best as there has been a lot of worry about me. It's pretty obvious I am not coping at all. And, looking back at my blogs from the last 2 years I think what is happening now is probably the worst I have been. So does that mean I need to be in hospital?
I'm really scared.