Monday, 4 March 2013

Lost Relationships

GOM's sister came over on Friday night. I have not seen her since I went travelling 3 years ago. I was really worried about it. Of course there was no way I was going to be telling her I had been in hospital for a year and that the self harming and thoughts were out of control.

So I lied. I said I had come back from travelling and started my first year at uni. Just before I was due to go back to uni I had to have an operation which meant because I was in hospital for 2 weeks and there was a long recovery I had to defer going back for a year. I then decided I wanted to go travelling again and thought that being as though I would only be able to defer for one more year that I would do it now. So another year out from uni. But rather than going travelling I decided to move out and here I am in my own flat and am going back next year.

I hate lying. I always end up tripping up on the lies. I don't know what I have said etc.

I thought it would be really weird seeing her again. Really awkward. I bit the bullet and asked about GOM. I said about him being engaged and she looked at me and said what you don't know. I was like what? So she said they broke up last July time and she had ended it with him and he was really cut up over it. I didn't go in to why they broke up I thought that would have been too much. She said that GOM was on plenty of fish and he had seen me on there so had assumed that I had seen him on there. I hadn't. So we talked a bit about that and I said it was quite sad really as when we were together he had always said by the time he was 30 he would like to be settled down, married with kids. He's 33 this year. So he must be feeling like he has to find someone else. Kind of feel sorry for him. But at the same time, the evil me felt well at least now you know some of what it's like to have the person you love loads and you think you are going to spend the rest of your life with end it with you.

We talked a bit about this LD person and she said she was never really that keen on her and found her really boring and she much preferred me. That pleased me.

Bad really aren't I?

But it was really nice seeing her and catching up and getting all the details of her wedding in August

Another friend also came round last week. She was the girl I lived next door to when I was a child and was the one I stole the money with. She has a baby now who is really sweet. Is quite weird though. We are so different now. We are from different lives. It's weird how we are so different considering we saw each other every day until we were 13. If I met her now and hadn't known her previously I doubt we would have anything in common and probably wouldn't be friends now. It is only because we grew up next door to each other that we have remained friends. Well I say that I haven't seen her since she got married nearly 4 years ago. We talk on facebook on that's about it.

So these people are coming out the woodwork. I was speaking to the psychologist about it when I saw him last week. I said I don't like lying to these people, I feel as though I could lose track. But there is no way I want these people knowing I was in hospital etc, so my only option is to lie. He said it was obvious people cared about me as they wouldn't be in contact with me if they didn't. He said it was nice that they were coming over etc. He seemed really pleased about it. It doesn't bother me really. I don't have issues around how many friends I do or don't have. If I had then I would have been quite pleased with it. But, being lonely isn't one of my concerns so it doesn't really affect me. I don't know if he seemed to think it was as reaction seemed to point towards that but, it's not.

Anyway, I am feeling shit at the moment. I have a stinking cold and feel so awful with it. Was sleeping on the sofa most of yesterday. I couldn't even face getting clothes on to go out and get some paracetamol. Today I feel horrible also. It's going to be another sofa day. It's going to my chest also so going to be hacking and spewing all over the place. Yuck!

Wish me well.

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