So last night I had a few people over. I said it was a flat warming. Could hardly tell them that I will hopefully be dead shortly and may be the last time I can see them.
I thought I may feel upset by it. I thought I would have some anxieties. But I didn't really. I was a bit emotional after every one had left but that's because I was really drunk.
I didn't hand over my medication. I couldn't be bothered getting 2 buses to go to the hospital to hand it over. I am seeing the OT person tomorrow and it has been put in my notes that I am to give it to her. I have lied about what I have though. I am only handing over what I know wouldn't actually do anything. I just want them off my back and to think that I don't have a plan anymore and that I can keep myself safe. I don't want them trying to call me and not getting a response and then coming round or sending the police round.
My head is all over the place, it has been for weeks. I know this for sure though. And that is that I don't want to live. I want to die.