Thursday, 14 March 2013

Goals and Acceptance

So, what did I tell him. Not everything. I said I had had this plan which I carried out but it didn't work. He asked what it was and I said I didn't want to talk about it as I was scared of the repercussions, especially as he said if I had informed I had OD'd that morning he wouldn't think twice about calling an ambulance. So I was worried he may do that considering it was only a few days ago.

He said he was concerned about what I had said but he wasn't going to push me.

So basically I said I was planning this plan and really thought it was going to work. So I was putting up with the hallucinations and paranoia and what ever else is going on as I knew I wouldn't have to deal with it much longer. But now, I don't have a plan, what ever I have tried in the past hasn't worked so I won't be trying it again and I can't put up with it anymore. I said it was terrifying me as wasn't getting any better and it was really bothering me.

He said he had spoken to my CPN about it and they had both agreed it was not a psychotic illness so medication wouldn't help. That's fair enough, they are both two professionals, and if they both think the same thing then they must be right. But, I can't go on with this. Is it not worth trying some kind of medication to see if that alleviates some of it? I didn't actually say any of this but I think I may try calling her tomorrow afternoon and try and get something just to see if something will work.

So I basically said well what the hell can I do. I can't live like this any more. And he said the first thing I need to do is accept what is happening to me. I said something a long the lines of well that's one fucking huge task and I am not sure if I can. This is terrifying stuff here. He said I am the only person who can do anything about it. He said that people have tried to help me and have offered me different things. DBT and working along side my family. Actually in today's session he seemed quite pissed off with me. It upset me a bit actually. I don't like it when people get annoyed with me. I can't help the way I am feeling. If I had done something for someone to be annoyed with me I would understand it. Actually saying that. I must be quite annoying. If I was the professional, I would be annoyed with me. I mean, think about it. I have been seen by the same bloke since January 2012. At first 2x a week then 1x a week now 2x a month. So over the course of just over a year I have spent probably over 75 hours with this guy. He's seen me on the PICU where I have made progress and then drop back again and since before Xmas actively suicidal. Telling him I can't see a future and I am making plans. So from his point of view he probably feels he has put all this time in to me and I am not getting anywhere as I won't give certain things a go.

So, he said we need to do some CBT around the paranoia. So he wants me to keep a diary of when I get the anxiety/paranoia attacks, what I was doing before, how I was feeling at the time, what I was doing, how long it lasted and what I did to get over it. He said he didn't think I would do it as is such a huge task. But I want to prove him wrong. So I am going to do it. And although he didn't ask me to do it for next time, I am going to do it for next time. He said that I probably thought why should I do that if I don't even know if I am going to be alive in the next month. Maybe a bit vindictive?

What he did ask me to do for next time is to write a list of goals about what I want from psychology and what I want from him. He asked me what I thought and I said I didn't have a bloody clue. He laughed at that. But I don't have a bloody clue. So please help me on this. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have decided I will talk to him properly about what I tried on Monday next time I see him. I won't have to worry that he will call an ambulance as it will have been over two weeks. Also, this is going to sound stupid, but I am due to see my CPN next week and I blatantly lied to her about what I had medication wise. So if I had have told the psychologist, it would get brought up next week and I would have a lot of hard questions to answer. If I wait until my next appointment with the psychologist in 2 weeks it will be another 3-4 weeks until I have to see her and I am hoping she may have forgotten about it. Well that's probably wishful thinking isn't it? But I can't wish.

So please help me come up with some goals of what I want from the psychology. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: 21.40.

I also mentioned about waking up in my bathroom with a knife. I told him about the dreams I had had in the past and how stabbing myself in the stomach or being stabbed in the stomach or even opening up my old scar on my stomach had been a bit of an obsession as of late. He asked what position I was in so I said I was kneeling down and was holding the knife towards me. He asked me if I had drawn blood and I hadn't. And then he asked what happened after so I said about how I was sitting there for a while, then had a couple of cigs and then went and tried to get some more sleep in bed again but it took ages for me to fall back to sleep. He asked if I had any history of sleep walking which I don't and that was pretty much it really.

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