Thursday, 7 April 2011


Where have you gone?

You would have thought after an hour of 4 people telling your uni tutor how great you are, it would motivate me to do more work today.

I had a meeting with university tutor, practice educator and my supervisory team on placement today. Going to sound big headed here but they were talking over each other to get their points in about how well I was doing on placement and how I had settled in and how well everything is going. I don't feel as though I am doing anything out the ordinary by doing it. I am just doing what I think needs to be done and it seems as though it's fantastic. I think that goes to show that I am not letting my thing get in the way of placement and uni. I hope it has satisfied uni that things are going well.

So why after that has it taken me all day to do one bloody letter. I couldn't keep my mind on the job at all. I kept drifting off and just not being able to concentrate on anything all day.

I am worried about the debts that I have and money. I don't really know what I am going to do about it. I don't know what to do about the debts that I have. It's not major but it's more than manageable for me. It's around £9000. Which I know is not massive and there are people in a lot more debt than me. I can't control what I spend and it worries me. I don't seem to be able to budget. If I have money I just want to go and blow it and go shopping. Buy nice things for me like new clothes, having my hair done and things that make me feel nice. I like having new things and went I get the money through I can't control what I do with it.

I have got in to a bad state with debts this month also. I got a pay day loan x 2 and I can't clear it. It is due next week but I know I can't afford to pay it off as will be about £700 that I need to pay out in one go. I have had to cancel my bank card so they can't take the payment next week.

I have enquired about a debt relief order which will cost £90 but they said because there is reasonably new debt with these payday loans they could turn it down saying I took them out with no intention of paying it back. The thing is when I took them out my head wasn't in the right place. So the DRO people are saying there is a chance it could be declined. She said I should not pay them and wait a couple of months to process it so that it doesn't look like I have taken it out with no intention of paying them.

It's getting me in to a bit of a state worrying about it all. I have bad credit so it's not even as though I can get a consolidation loan to clear everything.

It's making the thoughts come on really strong and the self harm is worse because I don't feel as though I can cope. The self harm for me increases when I don't feel as though I control things.

My parents were supposed to go away this weekend but now they are not. Well miffed. Mainly because I planned to cut. I have not cut since January as I have not had the opportunity to. But it's something I really want to do.

I am mad aren't I? I deserve to be locked up on a hospital ward. I can't control my thoughts or my actions. It's ridiculous!

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